Going backwards?!

Been disappearing from my blogging for about a couple of weeks now, and sorry to say there was no reason behind the whole disappearing act of mine. I am well-known for my laziness. 

So far finished my finals and got back home. The first thing I did was not watching dramas, not sleeping, not fooling around, but threw myself into my own big pile of novels. I also found myself reading old novels and organising them as well. The funny thing was, I even went through my high school essays and amused by them. How could I write so well back then? I mean, why can't I write as well as how I wrote in high school? Why am I going backwards?

Because I am so ashamed that I went backwards instead of improving, I started my own journey of self-educating. I started doing stuff that I used to do in high school: jotting down noting, having my own vocabulary notebook, reading articles and essays, revising grammar and stuff like that. Been doing that for both languages: Chinese and English. It is shocking to me that I had already forgotten most of the stuff I learnt. And because of that, I am putting extra effort to recall them and secure them in my mind.

One thing I don't like about university is its education. So far I have gone through a year of study, but when I wanted to conclude and reflect on what I had learnt, I couldn't find much compared to high school. Seriously, I am in the opinion that studying in university makes me a worse person. Despite growing old, I don't think I become wise. Let me list down what I had learnt in first semester:

1. WUS 101 CORE ENTREPRENEURSHIP    

2. PGA 101 LEARNER AND LEARNING NEEDS 

3. PGA 102 ADOLESCENTS' INTRAPERSONAL AND INTERPERSONAL DEVELOPMENT

4. HXE 112 READING AND WRITING ABOUT LITERATURE 

5. QMT 112 COMPUTER SOFTWARE APPLICATIONS

6. PET 224 COMMUNICATING IN SPEECH AND WRITING IN TESOL    

7. LKM 400 BAHASA MALAYSIA IV   

First, I don't even have entrepreneurship skills after going through that damn course. Second, I memorised the theories and passed my exams for both PGA 101 and PGA 102 courses. For the literature thing... it was made too rushing and rather than spending time to enjoy it, I had to do more memorising work to cope with exams. QMT 112 appeared to be the most enjoyable course, because to my surprise we didn't fully utilise the computer software we have, not even Microsoft Word. PET 224 was enjoyable because all I had to do was to prepare speeches and present them to the lecturer., but my writing hardly improved. The last one, Malay language. I don't know what happen to USM's Malay language but it certainly differs from what I had learnt in high school, despite referring to Dewan Bahasa dan Pustaka, I still get things "wrong". I don't know why and my lecturer did not tell me why. so don't ask me.

It is clearly seen that I have not learnt much, didn't I? I couldn't see myself benefited as a learner nor as an educator. A big NO.

My second semester was so hectic that I wouldn't want ti mention it, but let's just see what I had studied. 

1. PET 101   EFFECTIVE READING SKILLS FOR TESOL
2. PET 102   ORAL SKILLS FOR TESOL

3. PET 103   EFFECTIVE WRITING FOR TESOL

4. PGA 103  TEACHER, SCHOOL AND SOCIETY

5. HEA 101  INTRODUCTION TO ENGLISH LANGUAGE

6. SHE 101   ETHNIC RELATIONS

First one, no comment. Second one, you saw the crazy stuffs I posted and this was the course that made me crazy enough to remain insane. Third one, I loved it because of the lovely lecturer. Fourth one, as a teacher, you should be capable of doing EVERYTHING.  Fifth one, I don't understand what the stupid introduction was doing here, and I don't understand what and why I was studying this crap.

Last one, it is not about maintaining good relationships but the opposite. Good job done. 

So what have I done other than growing old? Going backwards! Not only the skills I cherished went backwards (writing for instance), I think my mentality had also deteriorated because of the faulty and misleading teaching that somehow made me feel uncomfortable while digesting them... I had to endure the pain of holding them in my brain and then threw them all out after exam. How torturing.

If I were to find fault, I think I would end up in trouble. Malaysia is NOT the place that appreciates criticism, regarding it is positive or not. So I might as well not abuse my freedom of speech and keep my thoughts to myself.

In the meantime, I am on a constant battle with myself on the route of self-improvement and self-enrichment. So wish me good luck!  

Back in Action!

Hi guys and girls, sorry I have been MIA from this blog for quite a while. My dear friend named "inspiration"won't visit me so there is nothing to write. And maybe because of the two weeks break without a paper... it  made me idle for a while too. But then I wouldn't want to simply post anything here, I am afraid I might get disappointed by my own writing. By the way, I probably should start writing now, since my next paper needs me to write, I might as well do some practice here, right?

I have lots of thoughts, tons of them, on trending issues. but you would not find me writing on them. Well, at least not now. Because I know when I wrote that down, I am going to get myself in trouble, a deep shit one, probably. So I spent quite an amount of time to stop myself from doing that, and for my sake I will continue that effort. I am not going to become the terrorist.

Recently addicted to Korean dramas and now watching a psychopath serial killer one (TV series: Gap dong). Here you go. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gap-dong

Yup, you got my point. The handsome young man is actually the psycho, and watching him acting send shivers down my spine. And what a good timing, because I came across it when I was diving the net and found it and start watching it instead of studying for my finals. Applause for my boldness. (*Sigh) So far went through 12 episodes of the drama and things got creepier. Curiosity killed the cat... but let's just hope I am not the cat. I could not STOP!

The same thing also happens when I abuse my health. It's final you know, and if I want to study I have to keep myself awake, and if I want to stay awake I would drink coffee, so eventually I overdosed myself with caffeine. The reversal effects were so much on me that not only I could not stay awake, I could not sleep well as well. I felt like I am neither conscious nor dead. Thw whole world seemed to be falling apart and combining the pieces at the same time, Huh, caffeine is a drug anyway. So this is how a drug addict feel huh?

Well, I think the solution is to get some sleep then. I'm off now, bye!

Unpopular Opinion: Optimistic VS Pessimistic

It's nearly final and everyone involved (or so I think) started to study or complain, but most of us do both. But there are certain human beings who keep on saying:"I can do it! You can do it! Fighting! All the best!", and another group of human beings who say:"Oh my God, I'm dead. Somebody save me!" So that brings me to the unpopular opinion of today: Optimistic vs Pessimistic.

I am never in favour of both types of people. Nah, they are just annoying. Well for your information, I am neither both. Optimists view things over confidently that they do not even see the danger coming. When things happen, all they say is "everything's gonna be okay", but in fact you can see that it is totally not okay at all. Sometimes optimists go way too optimistic that to certain extent, people feel that they are just merely finding excuses.The same thing goes to pessimists. They give a lot of reasons they feel insecure about, to the extend that people feel they are giving excuses not to do anything. No doubt, if you have friends full of positive energy, they will give you heart attack; and friends with thoughts so negative will give you migraine. I would not want both.

Sincerely speaking, everything needs to be in equilibrium. Most people are a bit of both, depend on the situation. Nevertheless, I am in the opinion that we should be realistic. See things in the most logical way. Face the situation, analyse it and solve it. Why bother so much fuss on what might happen next? Focus on "NOW" and within no time, you will know what to do next. Rather than words of motivation or complaints, think of the consequences if you didn't start working now. Then you will get to work, as simple as that. 

So be a realist, get to work and save yourself. For those having finals, save your grades. Good luck!

Distracting myself...

It's study week and apparently I have not spend a single hour on my study YET. Been distracting myself with different stuff and entertainment. Tried to find the motivation for my study but to no avail. Fall in love with this oppa's songs so I keep on listening over and over again. How wonderful if I could sing and pass my finals. Okay, I think I should stop day dreaming, but for now, let me immerse in these songs first~

from Kim Sung Kyu album "27"

Disturbed...

There are moments in life where you could not even voice out your feelings, and now I'm experiencing these moments. Nothing really went wrong, but there was the feeling "but".Been having disturbed sleep for a week now, and can't find any problems related to it, so there is no solution. Keep waking up in the middle of the night and startled myself. I wonder what my doubts are, and I could not even tell me. It's study week now and I am not in study mode nor study mood. And I am not even in writing mood even though now I am writing this. I know you can feel it. Sorry guys.

All I hope is that my normal self would come back and visit me soon. 

懒得

是不是因为时光变迁，是不是因为一切太过于理所当然，日子过着过着，做什么都提不起劲了。朋友相约，懒得出门；房间一塌糊涂，懒得打扫；甚至连一顿饭，都懒得去食堂吃。

然后连当初的感动，也懒得回忆。

梦魇般的现实总是笼罩着我，如影随形，甩不走抛不开。有人说，梦境反映着现实。我看到的，究竟是梦还是现实？你离开后的世界，竟如盘古未开天般，浑浊不堪。相隔着层层浓雾，我无力去追寻你的踪迹。无奈，从而放弃。从此，未离开。

我单纯地以为，只要我守在原地，你就会回来找我。日子久了我明白，再多的期待也只是徒然。你不可能回来，你拼了命逃走的，怎么可能回来。但是但是，我在迷宫里找不到出口。现在，我连出去也懒得。

是你说的，爱，可是我不明白。你留下的那个黑洞，那个把一切都吞噬的黑洞，跟爱有什么关系 ？一天一点，把所有感情都吸走的黑洞，如今还在那里。可是我不明白，为何它吸不走这般空虚？为何它带不走眼角的泪滴？

今夜，我仰望着星空，看见的是你那早已破碎了的承诺。它，还是那么的刻骨铭心。我明白，你忘了。可是你没让我忘了，所以它还在。还在那里提醒我，什么时候才要履行。当初，就不该相信。相信什么沧海桑田，什么天荒地老。现在，我连相信都懒得。

看到幸福的情侣们，我连祝福都懒得。看到微笑的人们，我连回应都懒得。看到友善的人们，我连加入他们都懒得。

我懒得再受伤了，你懂吗？

Fakers beware!

To all my friends who somehow have bad days because of certain human beings:

Recently I have seen quite a lot of my friends holding grudges with certain human beings, got frustrated and mad, posting Facebook statuses and Tweets scolding those people and so on. All I can do is to sympathise them and wish them good luck. If you have been following me for a while, you would know that I was a victim too. If you don't know what I mean, just scroll through my previous posts.

For one thing, I have been with fakers, and they pretty much know that I won't buy them. But, they still fake everywhere. Take note on the word "THEY", that means more than one of them. It is okay if they continue to fake but do not affect my life, but what they do is way over that even I could not bear it. Because these fakers are not good enough in acting, they sometimes reveal their true, darker selves. And the truth hurts. Not me of course, but some friends of mine. They could not accept the fact that the people who have been so nice all the while turn out to be pretentious human beings. When it breaks your trust, it is already too late. The injured ones won't believe easily again. 

That makes me wonder, should I warn the others? Yet, is it appropriate? What if people don't trust me? What if people hate me? What if they labelled me as fakers instead? Should I care less? Or should I brave myself to protect the ones I love?

I don't have the answer. I am so weak. I don't have the courage. I just wait until everything is too late. I am so useless. Sometimes I really hate myself for not being able to take action.

What would you do if you were me? I can fake but I got tired at times. These fakers never seem to get tired. They never seem to care about others' feelings as long as they get what they want. But people like them, because they know who to fake to, what to fake on.

Fakers gonna fake.

But I am not gonna shake that off.

Fakers beware! 

It's about time for you to reveal your true self. It's about time...

Until we meet again...

Hey guys, sorry for trolling and sorry for fooling around... now I am back in action! (*applause!)

As I said I have been busying, and now the business is still not over yet, I still have reports to rush and what not, but definitely have more time compared to the last two weeks, not to mention I have a test on next Tuesday. So wish me good luck!

Just finished Annual Grand Meeting on St John Ambulance and yep, I have no comments on that part. What I want to say is on the farewell ceremony. It is indeed touching. What's more the ceremony reminded me of those days when I was in Youth Cadet (KRS). I am at a loss of words but touched. I miss those days.

Photo taken when I was in Form 4 (16-year-old), and now I am 21. Oh look how skinny I was those days! Haha, I dare you to point me out, I bet you don't know which one is me. But then I really missed this big family of mine and we worked together through ups and downs and lefts and rights. I wanted to go back those days so badly. We cried our hearts out on the farewell party.

Back to the USM St John team, I have no idea why they have such deep relationships, well practically because I wasn't really close to them, but I was all the while glad because it is memorable for one to experience the feeling of belonging at least once in life. I believe that is what makes us reluctant to leave each other.

Life is cruel because it tears you apart when you wanted to be together. Yet life is sweet because it lets the right person appear in your life at the right time. Until we meet again, we shall always miss each other. We made promises but never seem to realise it because we hardly meet each other again. And knowing that fact makes me cry, even harder.

I think that is why I never let myself all in in a relationship though. Because I am too afraid to face the truth, the fact that one day when we separate, it is going to break me. But if you were lucky enough to have my heart, and we separated, I hope when I see you again, you will give me a smile, because that alone is more than enough.

To all who love me, I love you.

When I see you again.

Until we meet again.

Love.

p/s: I am in the middle row, fifth one from your left.

Lazy. Busy. Sleepy.

Sorry guys for disappearing from my blog... I've been through a lazy, busy and sleepy week and that's it. And because I was too busy, I became sleepy, and that made me lazy. That's why all my creative processes were temporarily "shut down", as all I did was to get as much sleep as possible whenever I could. For now, I find myself lazy enough not to think...

(Ten hours later...)


Zzzz...


ZzZZZzzzzz....







You are trolled!

Tribute to Grandpa -- 4th Anniversary

There he was, lying, eyes half-opened
His soul, wandering between light and darkness
I saw his eyes sparkled, smiling at me
But all of a sudden
He went into deep sleep

Nothing but a body of dampness
Not bounded to hell, would it be heaven?
I said, wake up, wake up, oh please open you eyes
You won't even budge, no, this isn't time!
The coldness of your flesh shivers my spine
I could do nothing, but cry

Why, why, why did you go?
You promised never leave me alone
You promised me sweets, toys, bedtime stories and all
You promised to see me grow up, to see me grow old

There is nothing left except dreams and memories
That come and haunt me every night, I couldn't sleep!
Remind me of those days, of me and you,
Of jokes and laughter, of every summer

May your soul rest in peace, my dear grandfather
May everything end well, just like fairytales
Happily ever after.

(Poem to be recited on Public Humiliation!)

Busy

Hey guys, sorry for making you guys waiting. I know it's been a week now, and I have been busying and will continue to busy for weeks, I suppose. So I just stop by to say hello, and also tell you guys how busy I am.

Mission accomplished on 5th of May: Expo SHE 101(Ethnic Relations) and Writing Journal handed in. While on Wednesday we were supposed to recite our poems on Public Humiliation class but we got a good scold and we were told to redo it next week, so next week it is. Thursday ended up shopping suitable costumes for drama on next Friday. Today is Friday and so far we practised our drama and I have to attend St John's camp tonight...till Sunday night. Not to mention I have an interview tomorrow. Next Monday Tuesday Wednesday will be occupied with lectures and practices and rehearsal drama plus the poem recitation. Drama performance on next Friday. Ta--da.

So I guess I should get some sleep first before I would not even have the time to sleep. Bye.

If only...

If only you opened your eyes to see, 

And opened your ears to listen;

Opened your heart to perceive,

And opened your mind to vision;

You would be a better you

Well, my humble prediction.

What is life if, full of care,

No one even bother to show their care?

The world needs you, and you indeed;

For not many, willing to help those in need.

Sometimes I wonder, are those humans?

Because to me, they act like aliens.

God made humans, with hearts to feel;

With pouring conscience, warm and real.

Yet there are humans without these, 

And do anything as they please.

Dear human, please be wise,

For you live because Lord gives you life;

Your life is yours, but it is still His,

For when your soul leaves your body,

You will face Him.