My Mortal Fear

https://lonerwolf.com/biggest-fear-test/

It still hurts a lot. 

As much as I yearn so much for love, I could not bring myself to accept that I am love-worthy. 

Deep down, I have this immense fear that, no matter what promise the other person has made, he is definitely going to abandon me one day. I am bound to be abandoned. 

I wonder when will this deep-rooted fear of mine be healed. 

Since my last break-up, I could not bring myself to watch any romance-related content. A simple scene of couples holding hands and smiling goofily at each other is enough to send shivers down my spine. It reminds me of all those silly and stupid stuff I have always yearn for during my six-month long distance relationship with my Taiwanese boyfriend. The expectations, the only hope which I fed on, vanished in just one day. I never get to see him in person. All the plans we have made together, turned into pure lies and deceit. 

I hated myself for a long time. I could not accept the fact that he did not give me a proper reason for our break-up. I clung onto him and pestered him with threatening messages and petty little acts of stalking him and his friends online. I could not even fly to Taiwan to actually punch him in his face because never did he told me his real address. I could not even cry and mourn for the loss. I lost track of the time when I wanted to force my tears out but I couldn't. And if I am not mistaken, I broke down only four months after the break-up. (He broke up with me right before CNY in 2019, petty guy choosing the fucking timing). It was when I finally realised, no matter how much blackmailing and drama I created, things would never go back the way they used to be.  

Still, after the realisation, I did not give myself time to heal. Immediately I turned to seek for guys available and flirted with them. With that much hurt and hatred for the guy who have left me, I used the attention of other guys to quench the urge for revenge. I lied to myself that I did nothing wrong in the previous relationship and it was all his fault. I blamed him for everything, and refused to think about the past. I decided that the best revenge would be to quickly move on and get someone so that I could show off my new boyfriend to my ex. Well as you can guess, it didn't happen. 

Plus 2019 was a year full of changes. Previously I was staying in USM hostel, doing my masters. Right after CNY, I got posted to PCGHS, which was quite a distance away from USM and I had to prepare for a lot of changes since I did not have my own transport. With that being said, it as quite hectic and I did not have the time to properly sit together and embrace my emotions. I thought it would be nice keeping busy to forget the hurt, but apparently, it was not.

So here came my downfall. I met another Taiwanese cute little brother on the singing app and the attraction was instant. At first we talked to each other about everything. Then it took an unhealthy turn when we could not control our needs towards each other. We were both lonely, and broken and needed to be "fixed". Hence our relationship turned toxic with both of us constantly checking on each other, and chatting on the phone for long hours that none of us would hang up. He started getting off-board with all the cheeky and cheesy conversations that one would only say to someone he/she loves. I confronted him many times and after what seemed like endless times of stupidly getting back to this addiction, I severed all ties with him after six months. Oh gawd half a year wasted. 

According to the chronological timeline above, I did not have any time to heal. It is more like I did not give myself anytime to heal. With this little bro being completely dumped out of my life, I felt a huge void, a huge emptiness that fears me. I was so used to someone calling me the moment I left mt job, the moment I had my dinner and the moment right before bed, that all these times I could not help but to feel a constant fear and anxiety. There were moments when I suspected myself of being depressed. But you know what, I still did not learn. Immediately I was on pursuit of guys again, with all the dating apps you can download. 

Yup, so I kept myself busy by chatting with random guys, going on dates and keeping all my fears and emptiness and all the stuff I have to heal wayyy back the back of my brain. Yet, my dates never went well. All these guys I am interested in, eventually lose their sparkle. It was either me getting bored, or the other person suddenly vanished, or I kept on finding that these guys were simultaneously preying on a few "victims" that I gave up on them. You could imagine the length of my block list (maybe I would show you one day, hahahaha). 

On 16th of March 2020, that evening when our dear PM was announcing the first phase of MCO, I was out dating with yet another guy. The "love-at-first-sight" wave hit me the moment he stepped into the cafe. And well erm ah what I wanted to say was, I thought he would be the right guy at first, but after that we were literally locked-up and Covid-19  says "no more dates for you, bitch". And that was when I was forced to face all the self-sabotaging acts that I have done for the past year. This guy, albeit being my mirror, had let me see my fears that had been projected onto him. I was never ready to be in ANY relationship. Yet, I ironically went out to seek one, hoping that getting another relationship would "fix" the broken me.  It did not. 

Thus I started my healing journey series( yea all those blog posts on tarot, yoga and stuff), as I finally sense all the self harm I had done to myself. Erm yep this "love-at-first-sight" cute guy ended up in the dungeon-locked-up list as well, so be rest assured that I would not do myself further harm by trying so hard to love when I am not even ready. So I spent these two months working on little stuffs that needed to be changed, and to really face my inner demons. 

Apparently this part of me (yea the story above) said it wanted to be let to breathe today, and so I granted its wish. 

And yes please excuse me as I have spent an hour writing this, and I spent an hour crying while writing. 

Dang, it hurts being honest. 

Peace out yo. Namaste.