Friday, 4 November 2016

Confessions to My Roommate -- Sharon Lee

*This is suppose to be an assignment, but it turned out quite fun, and therefore I post it here.

Sharon Lee is the first person I met when I came to USM. She is my roommate from 1st year till now. Although she evokes a sense of coolness and seems introverted, she gets along well with me (of course) and with our fellow TESOL-ians. It is just a matter of time and once we get familiar, we go crazy.  Sharon has her own perks when it comes to having fun. She is willing to shed of her “image” and act like a comedian for the sake of her friends. Being closest to her, I find her traits amusing and adorable. She is also very talented in arts and crafts. This is shown when we are making props for our drama, or designing our multimedia presentation. Her artsy fingers could draw well too. She is certainly one of a kind.

As a student, Sharon is a dedicated one. She is always ahead of me when finishing assignments and projects. Deadlines are never a hindrance nor an excuse to her. While there are some of us still procrastinating, she gets her things done and moves to another assignment. Her results turn out to be above average too. She is good at managing her own time as she always leaves sometime for her own leisure activities. She loves watching movies, dramas and sometimes documentaries. She also has a keen interest in world history. I am often fascinated by the depth of her knowledge in the history field. We would spend times talking and arguing about world views with each other. She is a great listener too, as I always confide in her whenever I have problems.


All in all, she is too good a friend to lose. I believe our friendship would go on well for years to come. I firmly believe that she will thrive successfully in the education field, be it a dedicated teacher, or maybe a reputable professor.  


Wednesday, 2 November 2016

Review on "Bluebeard" by Charles Perrault -- A Children's Literature Assignment

There is always darkness lurking behind acts of kindness, just like the existence of shadows beneath everything under sunlight. Judge not. This is human nature.                   -- Preface

Despite being a gruesome horror story, and the fact that it is way too gross to be included in the collection of fairy tales for children; the Bluebeard is categorised as a fairy tale. The folklore, featuring the theme of deadly female curiosity and compulsive homicidal patriarch society of the French Freudalism, published in 1697 by Charles Perrault in his collection of fairytales: Histoires ou Contes du Temps Passe[1], have received much criticism since then, especially after World War II. After more than 200 years, classic fairy tales, which was considered as “ancient wisdom”, could not provide the society satisfactory answers anymore. Moreover, during 1960s, with the rise of feminism, Bluebeard, portraying female as weak and passive, with male being possessive and tyrant, has had fingers of critics finding fault here and there. Although it receives a huge amount of criticism from critics of various fields, it failed to be as popular as The Little Red Riding Hood, Alice in Wonderland, Sleeping Beauty and others. One main reason is that most adults find it inappropriate to read the stories to children, as Maria Tatar said:
“It did not prove attractive to tale collectors, who are eager to assemble stories that would appeal to adult sensibilities about what was inappropriate reading for children. And while so Bluebeard… got lost on its way from adult storytelling cultures to children’s books, the tale managed to lead a powerful literary afterlife without ever being fully aware that its constituent parts belong to a narrative whole.” (Tatar, 2004)
One thing for sure, Disney does not turn it into a major motion picture, and parents choose not to read to the story their children. Because of this, Bluebeard is not a story that many of us grew up with. (Anneloes, 2011) Then, how did it manage to get its way to me when I was a child?  The answer is, driven by curiosity. As a child, I have been fascinated by stories, and how the plot reveals itself, how the villain is defeated, and how justice triumphs eventually. I suppose that it is indeed human nature to explore, to seek for things that are different than what we experience in daily lives, and to indulge in certain amount of imagination and fantasy. Both my parents rarely tell stories, but they let me to have the full authority in choosing what I want to read. They explained difficult words to me, and taught me to use dictionary- at the age of five; since then I am used to reading independently. My family has been a constant patron of libraries, and it’s to no surprise that I encountered the story of Bluebeard when I was eight or nine. And because I have a habit of rereading the books (after a few years’ gap), I am quite familiar with the story.
Bluebeard is not a real given name, but he is called Bluebeard because he has a blue-coloured beard. At the beginning of the story, Perrault asks us to:
Take the time to stop and think,
And to ponder this grim little story.
You surely know that this tale
Took place many years ago.  (Perrault, 1967)
Distancing the audience with the story with the notion that “it took place many years ago,” Perrault has perhaps lessened the fear of one entering the story, because he tells us that it is a grim one. Nevertheless, the child me is one persistent child who finishes reading her story once she picks up a book. Hence, I delved into the story without hesitation. I was surprising fearless as a child, and maybe that time I haven’t been thought the real meaning of the fear word itself.
Bluebeard, a wealthy but ugly blue-bearded man with many riches, has a bad reputation, because of the blue beard, and also because he has married several wives who vanished to nowhere. Therefore we know, no matter as children or as adults, that this Bluebeard man is no good soul, if not where does all his wives go? I knew back then, Bluebeard has something hiding up his sleeves, and since “Nobody ever knew what became of them”, it also suggests that he is very good at concealing his secrets. As Bluebeard conveys his wishes to marry one of the daughters of the lady in his neighbourhood, he fails because the girls despise him and would not want to marry such a frightful creature. However, Bluebeard is determined in getting what he wants: He throws a party for seven days and nights, the event is so successful that “the youngest daughter began to think the master of the house not to have a beard so very blue, and that he was a mighty civil gentleman”. The little me, lured by my own curiosity towards Bluebeard, and how the story revealed the suspense and mystery, plunged head on, into the deeper waters.
And so the marriage is done, and all goes well for a month, until Bluebeard has some “affairs of very great consequence” (which I didn’t really understand when I read it the first time, but I made a wild guess that it was to mean something important). He gives the keys to all his rooms and chambers to his wife, asks her to invite all her friends, but forbids her to enter the little closet at the end of gallery, to the extent that he warned her “If you happen to open it, there’s nothing but what you may expect from my anger and resentment”.  To this point of the story, even as a child, I could surely predict that the wife is going to open the closet door anyway, because any typical storyline would go on like that!
Bluebeard leaves the house and his wife invites her neighbours and friends (who never been to the bride’s new house as they are too frightened of Bluebeard). They unlock door by door, praising non-stoppingly on the wealth of Bluebeard’s possessions, at the same time envious of his wife. Yet his wife takes no heed of their excitement: she is too busy thinking about the forbidden closet!  At last her curiosity wins, and she thrusts in the little key and unlock the closet door. What a ghastly sight!
“After some moments she began to perceive that the floor was all covered with clotted blood, on which lay the bodies of several dead women, ranged against the wall. (These were all wives whom Bluebeard had married and murdered, one after another.)”
The poor wife is terribly shaken, and the key falls out of her hand to the floor. Hastily she retrieves the key and locks the door, fleeing the scene to recover herself. Here comes the sole magical part in the story: the key is stained by blood, but no matter how the wife tries to clean it, the stain will not go off. My heart goes for the wife- what is she supposed to do when Bluebeard came back! We readers certainly do not hope misfortune to land upon this young lady! The story pace goes on faster as Bluebeard returns home the same evening, and demands of the keys the next morning. Bluebeard knows his wife doings, and wants to murder he. The wife tries all she can to buy some time for herself, she begs Bluebeard for some time to say her prayers; and she is not afraid of asking help: she calls upon her visiting sister who is still in the house, and asks her to go up the tower to signal her brothers to come faster to her.
Bluebeard urges the wife thrice to come downstairs and receive her death; so does the wife urges sister Anne to see if her brothers have come to the rescue. It is a very typical number 3 that appears in fairy tale, and the third time being the climax. Bluebeard, grabbing a sabre (cutlass in Zipes translated version), is about to lash open the throat of the woman when her brothers (both soldiers) charge in and take away his life. Alas, our protagonist is saved! The murderous homicidal serial killer is dead!
Perrault definitely gives the story the happy ending touch- evil is defeated and the innocent is saved. The wife (the widow now) inherits all his fortune, and uses them to make her family condition better. She marries off herself to “a very worthy gentleman, who made her forget Bluebeard’s cruelty.” Upon this point, the child needs are satisfied, here comes the closure of the story, which doesn’t sound as sorry as those dead wives the lady found in the closet, and also the murderer is dead! Yay! Hooray!
Ending the story with two morals, which somewhat seems contradicting with one another, Perrault attempts to give advice to the readers of the story, in which I didn’t pay attention at all to those lines when I was a kid. The first moral states that curiosity is a short-lived pleasure that once enjoyed, always proves to “cost too dearly”.  The other moral, stating that the story is ‘a tale of times”, and husbands are no longer so terrible. (Or is that so?)
 Reminiscing the times when I first read the story, and what I feel now, I am surprised that the young-aged me managed to read through the whole story unfazed while having my meal. Maybe it’s because Perrault says that it is a story of olden times, and I believe it anyway that it will not happen around me. But the more I know, the more I fear. Fascinated and intrigued by human darker nature, my choice of fiction has always been fantasy, horror, thriller, mystery, suspense and adventure. I am now aware that a psychopath could be easily lurking among us, it could even be the one closer to us, just like Bluebeard is the husband to the wife. Therefore, the moral I conclude myself, not given by Perrault explicitly, is not to make decision hastily, and not to be blinded by wealth, which many women chose the path.  This story also tells us that an unhappy marriage may as well equal to death, and living in a violent and abusive one (Bluebeard existence is mentally-abusive to the wife in a way, the felling she supresses when she opted for his wealth). The lady at the end is better off without her husband. This tells us that being single is not a bad thing at all, and Perrault maybe criticising the constitution of marriage during that period, where society is patriarchal. We could simply generalise Bluebeard as husbands who are typical tyrants, but how does Perrault know that in future, husbands do not demand the impossible of their wives? There is never a universal truth that applies to each and every individual in this world. Although gender inequality is reduced to minimal level, there are always cases of abusive relationships, no matter which gender is the assault side. Therefore, my views on this is to not let any tell-tale sign slip. For example, in the story, the youngest daughter is blinded by his wealth and also his made-up fun-and-enjoyable party and married him, ignoring the gut instincts that tell her Bluebeard is frightful in the first place. In this case, Perrault’s Bluebeard is a symbol, blue being the colour of exotic, dreamy and foreign; while beard representing the bestial nature of the villain. The signs are clear in the first place, although we may not judge a book by its cover, we shall take cautionary steps.
As a child sometimes I thought, why is that in most of the stories, the villain must be dead in order to provide is a happy ending? Can it not be other ways than killing off other people? If killing is wrong in the first place, as Bluebeard murders his previous wives; then is it considered “rightful” for the wife’s brothers to take Bluebeard’s life? Moreover, after killing him, they benefit from the dead’s fortune. Doesn’t it sound “wrong”? I considered myself lucky to have not mimicked the characters in any fairy tale, as I know the stories are not meant to be true; but what would become of a child if he imagines himself to be the hero, and execute “justice” by his own? We must be aware that fairy tales are not applicable in real life, and we cannot take revenge onto whomever that seems to be “villains”. Parents and teachers should provide guidance to children especially regarding this matter. It is vital to educate them which is the “rightful” way to fight against evil. The key lies in, whether the children are able to differentiate good versus evil, and also develop a critical thinking of his own, a principle of life which he uses to deal with larger issues.
Curiosity, as a main theme in the story, is portrayed as “deadly and fatal”. This raised controversy and different views among critics. As curiosity is the key to gain knowledge, in Bluebeard, it is somewhat portrayed as a negative trait female possesses. If the wife was able to obey her husband in the first place and passed the “test”, would she still remain safe for the rest of her marriage? I very much doubted that. Let’s assume all the previous wives failed the “forbidden closet” test, that what prompted Bluebeard to kill his first wife? What could she possibly done wrong? Who is Bluebeard’s first kill[2]? It sends shivers down my spine that someone, somewhere on this Earth, maybe the next Bluebeard.
Although Bluebeard is not favourable at all in any sense, and it is still a controversy whether to expose children to elements of violence, not to mention addition bloody scenes; to me, I agree with Perrault’s intention of asking us to ponder upon this grim little story. The Bluebeard is definitely worth ponder upon: the story creates more questions than providing solutions for us. Critics have provided much diverse interpretations over the years. It is true that Bluebeard is no longer a popular story in this modern society, because it does not comply with our current cultural values anymore. It might be on its way to extinction in the children literature’s genre.
Maria Tatar, however, explained why there are still people like me, keep returning to this tale and being attracted to it. This is because there existed the attractions of basic human traits that can be found at the heart of this story:
Trust, fidelity, commitment and reliability: these never disappear from the scene, nor do betrayal, abandonment and capriciousness. And so Bluebeard is, in many ways, here to stay. Our Bluebeard need not to resemble Perrault’s foundation story, but instead take from it a set of ingredients that are measured out in new doses and proportions to keep the cauldron of storytelling constantly bubbling. (Tatar, 2009)

Saturday, 17 September 2016

Lost

I'm tired of being strong, of acting tough, of not able to break down completely when I want to, of smiling when I have no intention to, of laughing out loud to cover my sadness, of repressing my emotions and trying to erase unwanted memories, of being unable to have good nights' sleep, of being unable to be myself.  

Why did I end up helping others patching their wounds while mine are left untended to? Why did my wounds unable to heal by themselves? Why did they end up deeper and deeper? Why did my "whys' never have answers? When can I sleep peacefully without being disturbed by haunting dreams?

I tried to believe that Universe has its own reasons for those things that happened to me. But why am I feeling more lost that ever? Why am I feeling lonelier when I'm surrounded by people? Why am I attacked with sudden sadness every time I laughed hard?

Darn it, please end this for me. 




Saturday, 3 September 2016

Juniors?!

Well apparently this is only my second year being a senior, and I have never enjoyed being a senior. The thing is, not that I don't want to help, but I really am fed up layaning the karenah of these pampered kids. For God's sake, can't you be just a little bit more independent? Can you don't ask me each and every detail about everything? I almost curse when I saw the questions my junior asked me. The questions can be easily solved using logical thinking and some common sense. Please, put some effort in living your life. Now I am very afraid on hearing my phone vibrates, because I pray that it is not a message from juniors.

I force myself to reply message while holding on my emotions. I felt like writing Part III of "My Series of Unfortunate Events", but won't it be mean of me to list my juniors as unfortunate subjects? God forbids. I just hope after the first week of the semester he won't bother me anymore, or else I have to find some way to show him my true colours.

I am not a nice person, I tried to, but I am not.

Oh kids, GROW UP!!!

 



Monday, 8 August 2016

My series of unfortunate events –Part II

Life has its own way of turning against you when everything seems to be SUPPOSEDLY going well. Things just happened. Awfully.

My grandaunt passed away the next day after I posted about her in the last blog post, thanks to everybody praying that she won’t wake up anymore. A lot of conspiracy underneath, but let’s just cut short here. While managing her funeral, relatives see our family as “unwelcomed strangers”, and erm ya we kids just have to endure their stares until the whole thing’s over.

I’ve been suffering from flu since 9th July till now, and haven’t improve a bit. Constantly on drugs make me feel dizzy and sleepy all day, what more I have to work. Working as a kindergarten teacher gives me the nightmares: I just can’t bear to have more than 10 kids calling at me simultaneously non-stop. Lately I bring their voices into my dreams and GOD DAMMIT! I can’t even have a good night’s sleep.

Still wondering if I should quit the job or not. The kids in the centre have been the main source of my flu virus, the environment is quite stuffy, and our young generation in this centre are viscous and unbearable (Did a handful of part-time jobs till now, I have never seen kids so naughty). I admit I do not have the energy to handle them. *sigh

Let’s see if I managed to stay put till the end of this month. I’ve promised to work till sem reopens, I am not the one that break promises, but seeing my health condition… Let’s just wait for a few days. And if my flu gets worse, I would have to say Sorry and bye-bye to my dear boss.

When will my misfortunes end?


Friday, 15 July 2016

Enraged. Shame.

Old ones said do not wash your own dirty laundry in public... but I am wayyyy too enraged by this group of so-called "relatives" to keep silent. Just how on earth could they do such thing... I still can't reason.

My grandpa's sister, or my father's aunt,  or my grand aunt, has been admitted to hospital on 5th of July due to fracture on somewhere around her pelvis, and has never leave hospital since then. Her situation worsened because of blocked arteries, and suffer from breathing difficulties. Despite so many days have passed and so many relatives have gone to visit her, my family remained in the dark. Okay, it's fine, I wouldn't accept your bullshit, because can you even TRY to believe that they can't reach us through a single phone call? And why on EARTH you managed to contact us NOW? It doesn't make sense!

Next, what the goddamn hell message did you deliver to us?! My grandaunt is not even close to death, goddammit she just have breathing difficulties and fluid in her lungs, all you have to do is to wait for her conditions to stabilise and arrange for surgery. So what the fucking mind are you in when you tell us she is going to DIE? You are not GOD! You are not even a doctor, how dare you sentence a person's death?

It's a shame to have relatives squabbling over a person that is so dear to me. Luckily my grandaunt is on sedatives and is sleeping and can't hear all the bullshits that have spoken by these dumbasses. At last they compromised and agree to schedule a surgery on Monday for my grandaunt.

God bless my grandaunt and hope that my relatives won't have to "sentence" her death yet again.

Well, I believe these relatives are over my grandaunt's fortune too, since she's unmarried and has no kids.

Who knows what happen next? 

Tuesday, 21 June 2016

My family in USM

TWO days to the last paper of my finals and yet to start studying. This is just so me, procrastinating whenever I can. Just finished celebrating two of my friends birthdays, and phew, it's a lot of effort planning events. Everything is worth it when you know you have created memories that could not be replaced by any other moments in her lifetime.
It turns out that I haven't showed much of my "social life" through this blog, and well I think I am fairly active showing them through Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. So well there's no need for so much redundancy, shall we? Haha, to be honest, this is the first time in my life having such a big group of sisters, for the past twenty years before I came to university, I always prefer to stick to one or two close friends. And of course we have little frictions here and there, but we turn out fitting as a family. I thank God sincerely for assigning them to show up in this time of my life and bring me so much laughter and support. They change me for a better person. I even have some of my old friends telling me I have changed to be more a spontaneous and outgoing person with much laughter, compare to who I am years ago. Geez, I accept that as compliment. With that being mentioned, I give you a quick glimpse of my family here.

Seven Fairies 七鮮女 Birthday celebration 0620 

I think I need not emphasise how blessed I am to be surrounded by people who truly care about me. Well this blog post may seem a little corny and cheesy, and a little bit of not my usual style: I wish to dedicate my heart-felt thanks to the individuals appeared in the photo above. We still have years to go to test our friendship, but till then, I think we are fated to be stuck together. 

Love ya!

Sunday, 12 June 2016

Indifferent me

There was once a person who told me he could not decipher what's going on in my mind. Well, me either. 

Years of dealing with people makes me conceal my feelings well. It has become my second nature and I doubt if I were to throw it away, I would have to throw away myself too. No one has ever asked or care about what I think or feel anyway. And I've learned through hard way never reveal yourself too much. But that doesn't  mean I'm incapable of expressing emotions. But that doesn't mean I'm incapable of showing love. I simple put my words in the simplest way where there would be no extra information for manipulators to twist it. Even news are not true. So what more can you believe?

I show people bits of true me, but never the whole. If they were to fill in the holes and make up stories of me, the ones who know me would definitely know.  Covering up doesn't mean I am fake, isn't it? I never did invent a new 'identity'. I just choose not to show. And that somehow makes me equals to the word "indifferent". I am not indifferent, it's just that you are not worth enough for me to care, get it?

I doubted myself multiple times, whether it was my problem or not? But no matter how hard I try to please everybody, there's always dissatisfaction. So what? Why should I care so much about others, care about his/her likes and dislikes when they never seem to be taking care about mine? So I'd learned I better turn a deaf ear over them. I learned to care for those who care for me, love those who love me as much as I would. And it ended up people saying I'm two-faceted. Aha... just great. 
The highest form of resentment I would show one is silence. I'm lazy to the moon and if I made effort to participate in a conversation, it means you are still worth some dollars. So if you were to bad-mouth about me, fuck off. I have no time dealing with you. Just go somewhere far off and continue to back stab me. I don't really care much. But if you happened to be in my land-mine zone, be aware of action-packed scenes. And scattered pieces of broken hearts. I never showed mercy to intruders anyway.

Errmmm... how do I end this? Darn it I'm not writing an essay anyway. Bye.


Friday, 10 June 2016

My series of unfortunate events

Heyyo! Sorry for disappearing... I won't say I have been trough hard times but well... things weren't that easy either. My list of misfortunes happened since the early of March till now, and it doesn't show any signs of relenting. 

I don't remember why and how it started... but it did anyway. Now I'm broke (there goes my PTPTN loan), with my laptop dead after drowning in a cup coffee that suppose to drown me but not that poor thing, my phone soft buttons paralysed after trying to commit suicide by jumping down from my desk (oh why would she), me suffering from sleeping... you call that disorder? I kept waking up in the middle of the sleep and OMG it's frustrating! Not only that, someone burned holes in my heart and I believe...(ya i just checked), it needs intensive care. 

Well maybe it's not that unfortunate after all, because all this while I've managed to survive. Call me weirdo and whatever you like, because I am used to it. My buddy told me I'm "unbeatable", and I guess so far I've live to it. So what? Bring it on!

 Now my unfortunate event is everyone's unfortunate event--- Exam! Whatever it is, exams never drag me down. So I might as well go and celebrate... I should stop these crazy thoughts. By the way just watch "Me Before You", not much of my type, too cliche and too noble. Am not going to reveal more about the movie, go and watch if you want to! 

Good luck in your finals! 

Thursday, 28 April 2016

Bye

I've cried, I've been hurt. I've gone through dark times. But now I'm okay.

Life is what an amazing thing, don't you think so?

It makes me see that I'm stronger than I thought I would be. And I really am.

The universe sent me signals that he is not the right one. And I'm all but glad to listen to it.

Now I'm gonna say goodbye, and let's not meet again.

Bye. 

Tuesday, 19 April 2016

思念 太猖狂

当思念泛滥,汇成河,入海去。那浪,滔天。

你知不知道,叫一个人别去想太多,是没用的。 你越阻止, 思念越猖狂。然后,你就会发狂啊,科科。

如果有个开关,会不会好过一些。想关掉就关掉,有空的时候再开来偶尔回味。 可是,如果开关坏了,岂不是大祸 。

思念占据了整个脑袋?心房,拥挤得透不过气。 缺氧。

然后,无从宣泄的思念,就会变相成恐惧。

多么希望可以逃脱,这梦魇般的思念。是不是,该换我疯了。

总是, 该努力克制自己。恐惧却挥之不去。

我怕。
  
怕
我太想你。  

Sunday, 10 April 2016

Bye Bye Angsty Me?

The main reason I have been missing for such a long time is well, I think, because I'm tired of being angsty. At least I can see that there is no point for me to be such an angry adolescent. And therefore I let all my thoughts go and sleep. 

Don't worry though, I am as busy as ever, and my life is as colourful as ever. The fakers are as lively as ever, and I have learnt that the best thing is to pay no heed to what the hell they're doing. So, no comment.

I start to like keeping things low profile, which is quite weird, because it happens that I am loud and noisy. Well, who cares? I'll have no regrets as I am living life the way I wish it would be. But my attitude seems to portray me as an irresponsible and lazy person. Or should I care? Duh. The funny thing is I didn't feel sorry at all for what I've done. Maybe I have fed up living up to others' expectations.

Or maybe I have become "matured", but I doubt it. For now I may as well bid goodbye to the angry me, but who knows when it would make its comeback?

I am still quite angsty, ain't I ?