There are things you would not want to talk about. You suppressed them, and in the end they become repressed memories in you subconscious mind. But there is never a way to TOTALLY forget them. Because you are made of them.
I am an introvert. I keep things to myself, dislike crowds, love to be alone and whatever behaviour the psychologists mentioned, I got them all. But I am not born like this. I am an extrovert: talk a lot ,talk loudly, outgoing, adventurous, fun, love to party... I was and still am, but I tend to suppress those emotions of mine. Why? Because of those things that happened on me that I wanted to forget so badly. So I stay in between. A shy extrovert. An talkative introvert.
There were days where I wanted to kill myself. There were days I felt there was still hope in life. There were days I felt so desperate to get rid of something. There were days I laughed until tears welled up my eyes. I remembered some of them, but still, I repressed most of them. I don't know how to enjoy life. There were days I let my emotions slide, but most of the time they are caged. I am still not strong enough to get hold of myself. Yet I force myself to be.
Yes indeed, I fear the living and fear for the living. Living means struggling, torturing, getting hurt and falling down. But I want to stay alive. So I forget. I force myself to forget those moments, of getting hurt, of falling down. And there they stay in the darkest corners in my soul. So here I am, alive, and afraid.
I am a coward. One day I hope I am brave enough to face my own fears.
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