凋·梦

回忆   飘散于静寂的时空

翻转  辗侧  提醒着幸福的痛彻

平静的潭水   经不起   泪水的煽动

泛起   涟漪   暗潮汹涌

无法预测的   心跳的节奏

或生   或死   或眷恋彩虹

云端的虚拟  勾勒出  似梦非梦

幻   唤   焕   痪 

曾经朝阳   今日残暮 

Relationship Management II

The problem is, when crisis arises, would you be able to withstand the situation?

As if awaiting an impending storm, every heartbeat seems to ache with anticipation. And fear. 

I treat every single human being as a tickling bomb: dangerous. But you know, some of them never exploded; some of them letting out small bursts sometimes; and some of them are awaiting to create chaos. Doomed.

The thing is, when you treat someone like that, you would not be able to trust and believe in them. You would not be able to confide in them, because of the fear of one day they might betray you. You keep distance with them, and you would not be able to feel warmth. You scrutinize each and every action made, and you would not be able to get closer to the person; because the more you see, the scarier a person becomes. 

Everything happens for a reason, and I do not act weird out of no reason. I knew compared to those suffering illness and hunger and poverty my problem is nothing; I knew if I were to lament about it people would see me as good-for-nothing. So I remain silent.

Silence does not end the pain. As tide comes in, waves upon waves crash on, threatening to bring destruction. I know I would bear this emotional turmoil until the day my life ends. It would lessen, but will never subside.

I suck at managing relationships. 

Lucidly Drunk

It has been a month. 

I would rather use the word "occupied" than "busy" to describe my current situation. Yes, occupied. but not that satisfied.

The feeling of losing control over what I wanted in life is unbearable. To see the future as bleak, grey and hazy; little light, no hope, great despair. Others see the world in vivid colours, I see it in shades of grey.

As if a winded machinery, I numbly drag life towards its end. Feet by feet, step by step. And fears amplified by repetitions consume the soul, bit by bit, inches by inches.

I do not fear death, I fear the living. I want the suffer of living to cease, but life is not as you please. No matter how hard the armour, it would still be penetrated by a single attack. What is life if so fragile? I had no answer. I seek, but dare not desire. I weep, but stifle it in silence and darkness. 

Helplessness. How unlucky, but no sympathy deserved. Humans never cared about humans. 

I opened my eyes and saw grey; when I closed my eyes I saw darkness. Nothing really matters me anymore, except for the beating heart. I'm still capable of getting hurt after all. 

Crawling at the edge of two cities, I wish to grasp the lights but wish not to blind my eyes; I wish to embrace my fears but wish not to be consumed; I wish to end the woes but wish not to suffer. In the end I found myself in neither cities but the edge, and yet to reach the end.

It was never the end.