Escapism

I've not been honest to myself for quite some time... because I have stopped writing, and stop writing on this blog means I have refrained myself from facing own thoughts and emotions, and deter myself from forming my thoughts into words. 

These days I have lost the courage to look at life in the eye. 

  

So, shall we muster up some courage? 

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We claimed that we don't feel, because we felt too much. 

The fear that embedded deep within us, the fear of rejection, the fear of being let down, have resulted us to put up an indifferent act, although we care so much. 

For example, being alone. 

I am so used to being alone for quite some time, until I went to USM and study. And that's the time I had to start my hostel life. Staying in hostel was nothing special, except that you will be having a room mate. So for the four years in my uni life, I had this one special room mate, who got stuck as my room mate for four whole degree years. 

So this is me, getting used to living with someone for four years and after that, both she and I continued studying masters in USM. This time although we didn't stay together, I was still sharing my room with another room mate from China. So I wasn't completely alone then. However, the connection between my room mate and I just did not establish close relationship at all. After six months, I was posted to PCGHS as a teacher, and due to the travel distance, I moved to somewhere near. I rented a room, with two housemates. One of them is my colleague, and I bet there is nothing good with colleague leaving under the same roof, isn't it? Another housemate of mine, I know nothing about her except her face... so that's it. 

These two housemates don't make the place I rent feel anything like home to me. 

Hence the loneliness. 

One strange thing about me. The reason I chose teacher as my profession, is because I can't live without human interaction. I am the kinda bitch who requires attention, well, in appropriate doses. That's why being a teacher suits me. The classroom is a stage, and my students are my audience, albeit being forced to watch my performance. I gain energy from human interaction, healthy ones of course. The other side of the coin, is what is termed as "toxic relationship". Toxic in a way that it makes you crazy,confused and doubt yourself, corroding you day by day. 

I think it's time I come clear to myself. I am in a toxic one.

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I don't know how to put this story in words, but as I wanted to put this relationship to an end, I wanted to at least tell what I would do starting from now. One of my friends told me: it takes 21 days to build a habit, so it takes 21 days to quit as well. This guy I know, this toxic what-so-ever friendship that has been dragging for months, I have to end it, and yesterday was DAY ONE. I will be slowly cutting off ties with him as to make it less painful, for me.

What I have done (day 1):

- deleted his admin position
- did not send a single message to him
- did not pick up his phone call until he called twice
- hanged up his call as soon as business was finished

What I have done (Day 2)
- kept on dissing him during the whole phone conversation


- ehhh so far like this.


By the way it's school holiday soon, and I won't be picking up his call at all. That's it, let's hope this end soon.

Enough of escaping from loneliness.
Enough of ignoring voice of the heart.