Last Post in 2019

2019 started harsh on me. One of the reasons I refrained from writing on the blog is that I broke up with my ex right before the very festive Chinese New Year. For almost the first half of 2019 I was a crazy bitch thirsty for revenge, hoping my ex to suffer in hell.

In February work called, taking up most of the time, so I thought I was okay due to less time thinking about him. There were days when I suddenly broke down and there were days I was so happy that I thought I was completely healed.

Working in school does not heal loneliness. While the number of people I talk to everyday is more than a hundred, I do not feel "belonged". F* the constant need of belonging. Maybe it's my fault for not opening up, but I rather not.

2019 has been filled with school, exam, work, my study, occasional pangs of loneliness, and lots of tears. Self-hatred is the main theme. Rather than seeing the worth in myself, I find myself constantly seek my worth in people's actions and compliments.
People also left one by one, not in terms of death. Some due to commitments, some for work and some... due to misdoings. I find myself sometimes putting the blame on me, and although I know it is not because of me, I still could not help it.

And this goddamn December is full of unhealthy relationships. My ex decided to pop up and send me a "how do you do" which I replied with "F*off",and I met some people who were really, really a piece of art.

Lastly, let's hope for better days to come.

Lemme end this right now/

Just Some Updates

Days in Ipoh have been overwhelmed by two major emotions: frustration and laziness. Well when I am in good mood I read in bits and pieces and constructed what I need for my thesis in my mind; when I am lazy I played mobile games like hell; when I am frustrated.... I played mobile games like HELL. Hahaha well that's it. 

Not much events happening though, except that it's near Christmas and New Year, so everyone is busying shopping for new clothes. I simply have no motivation to shop. The thing is, finding clothes that are available on the market that are suitable to be worn to SCHOOL is pure difficult. The designs and cuttings with the intention to expose women's desirable body parts are not deem to be fit for my workplace. So that makes me some old aunties wearing the few same suits to school. Nevermind, who to attract anyway? My colleagues are mostly married aunties and my students are GURLSSS.

Should this be counted as laziness? As days pass by I am lazier, where goes my motivation~

As my writing style is mostly based on dissing people, so let me write longer next time if I have any dissing to do. So far not yet. I am sure when school reopens I will have a hell lot to complain.

Till then/ 

Muaks/

One week till work recommences..

I don't know what to say.

I don't know it would turn out like this. It turns out that one of the instruments that I would like to use for my research is currently inaccessible and I may not be able to use it for real. Therefore I have to seek for alternatives.
Not given much choice, I only have the PISA test as my alternative, therefore I have to contact the OECD. Great. Let me see if I am getting any replies.

So this is me without progress. This is because if I change my instrument, I have to change the whole dissertation; I have to change my writing, I may need postponement for my graduation.... GOD.
Waiting for email replies is also another frustrating issue. You don't know the other side EXISTS or not.

Hence the frustration.

I still have one week and I have to get back to work. When work starts I doubt that I have time to work on my thesis.....

 Yep, this is me panicking/

Till then/

Rich Dad Poor Dad

Just managed to finish this book in the midst of working through my thesis. Read it in bits and pieces, but overall it is definitely a book worth reading, and one should read it YOUNG. Many of the points in the book mentioned are practical. and are something that we should have acquired since young. This is a book about financial literacy, a book that teaches you steps to take in order not to get broke overnight. PISA has also conducted tests on financial literacy levels for countries across the globe, I will update here once I found the data (read and forgotten lol) 

I definitely couldn't recall much that I have read: my mind contains more info about my dissertation.

Nevertheless there is one section in the book which summarises a few important points:
if you want to be financially-independent, you should develop these 10 powers:

1. The power of spirit: finding a reason greater than reality
2. The power of choice: making daily choices
3. The power of association: choosing friends carefully
4. The power of learning quickly: Mastering a formula and then learning a new one
5. The power of self-discipline: Paying yourself first
6. The power of good advice: Paying your brokers well
7. The power of getting something for nothing: Being the Indian giver
8. The power of focus: Using assets to buy luxuries
9. The power of myth: Choosing heroes to emulate
10. The power of giving: Teach and you shall receive



I got this book from Bookxcess at Gurney Paragon for not more than RM20 (exact price forgotten). Well I bet it is available illegally somewhere online in pdf format since it is a really "old" book. It is available in various languages as well. After reading it, I regretted for avoiding reading this book purposely since I was young as I shunned books that are related with money or business (don't know why). Now I definitely recommend you to start to be financially literate, if not let your children learn early.

Starting now is never late.

Let us see how much of this book that I will put into practice in real life.

There is also a CASHFLOW game on the official site that I have yet to give it a try.
https://www.richdad.com/products/cashflow-classic

Till then/

Good Night

何必拿真心与寂寞去纠缠

 

"Research" Thingy

Pursuing higher education is never easy.

And now I am wondering whether I have made the right decision, spending around ten thousand ringgit and don't know how many hours and effort to continue my masters.

Doing research online is hella frustrating: you dump yourself into an ocean of information and you drown. Surfing is not safe, neither do embarking the journey on a cruise ship. I guess I need some kind of war submarine to sink deeper.

And not to mention with the bulk of "good quality" research papers out there, it is really a torture to get the precise information that you need. Most are lengthy and without much important info, and after what it seems like an eternity because you put in the effort to read it... you don't understand what it is talking about. Hey, maybe I am not much of an academic person after all.

So this is me, currently rushing to catch up all the readings that I should be doing cause I have been busy from work. My mind got so rusty after months of not reading academic journals, but hey, academic journals are meant to be boring, aren't they?

Once my aim is to pursue till doctorate degree... but if you ask me this question now, I may need to ponder upon it for quite some time. Maybe, just maybe, if you ask me after I have gone through my masters degree, I will give you a different answer by then.

I am not in a right mood to give advice to any juniors or friends who would like to consult me to study masters... especially in RESEARCH.

For now, let me do some more research.

Till then/

Back home

Currently back home, trying to enjoy a one-month holiday which apparently doesn’t really feel like a holiday to me. I have work to do, two main projects to accomplish: my portfolio as a new teacher - due next Feb; and my master’s thesis. The sense of urgency came and left - which rendered me stagnant.

I decide to cut this post short and sorry that well, I look like I am posting this for the sake of posting, but I need to get myself busy. Both huge projects are weighing me down, nevertheless, it is more useful to start working rather than ranting.

Bye for now.

Escapism

I've not been honest to myself for quite some time... because I have stopped writing, and stop writing on this blog means I have refrained myself from facing own thoughts and emotions, and deter myself from forming my thoughts into words. 

These days I have lost the courage to look at life in the eye. 

  

So, shall we muster up some courage? 

- 

We claimed that we don't feel, because we felt too much. 

The fear that embedded deep within us, the fear of rejection, the fear of being let down, have resulted us to put up an indifferent act, although we care so much. 

For example, being alone. 

I am so used to being alone for quite some time, until I went to USM and study. And that's the time I had to start my hostel life. Staying in hostel was nothing special, except that you will be having a room mate. So for the four years in my uni life, I had this one special room mate, who got stuck as my room mate for four whole degree years. 

So this is me, getting used to living with someone for four years and after that, both she and I continued studying masters in USM. This time although we didn't stay together, I was still sharing my room with another room mate from China. So I wasn't completely alone then. However, the connection between my room mate and I just did not establish close relationship at all. After six months, I was posted to PCGHS as a teacher, and due to the travel distance, I moved to somewhere near. I rented a room, with two housemates. One of them is my colleague, and I bet there is nothing good with colleague leaving under the same roof, isn't it? Another housemate of mine, I know nothing about her except her face... so that's it. 

These two housemates don't make the place I rent feel anything like home to me. 

Hence the loneliness. 

One strange thing about me. The reason I chose teacher as my profession, is because I can't live without human interaction. I am the kinda bitch who requires attention, well, in appropriate doses. That's why being a teacher suits me. The classroom is a stage, and my students are my audience, albeit being forced to watch my performance. I gain energy from human interaction, healthy ones of course. The other side of the coin, is what is termed as "toxic relationship". Toxic in a way that it makes you crazy,confused and doubt yourself, corroding you day by day. 

I think it's time I come clear to myself. I am in a toxic one.

-

I don't know how to put this story in words, but as I wanted to put this relationship to an end, I wanted to at least tell what I would do starting from now. One of my friends told me: it takes 21 days to build a habit, so it takes 21 days to quit as well. This guy I know, this toxic what-so-ever friendship that has been dragging for months, I have to end it, and yesterday was DAY ONE. I will be slowly cutting off ties with him as to make it less painful, for me.

What I have done (day 1):

- deleted his admin position
- did not send a single message to him
- did not pick up his phone call until he called twice
- hanged up his call as soon as business was finished

What I have done (Day 2)
- kept on dissing him during the whole phone conversation


- ehhh so far like this.


By the way it's school holiday soon, and I won't be picking up his call at all. That's it, let's hope this end soon.

Enough of escaping from loneliness.
Enough of ignoring voice of the heart.

Hi

Hi, I'm back.

I guess I should keep on writing, and I should not stop writing, no matter what happened.

Whatever my thoughts are, no matter how dark and terrible they turn out to be, I need a channel to release them, and I guess this is the place.

I decided to quit writing and keep everything to myself - which was apparently not a healthy thing to do - speaking about emotional health that is.

I don't know what happened to the world - but I encounter more and more "sick" people as days passed by. I want to heal them, and I hurt myself.

There were days when I hated myself so much, that I feared for my soul. There were days that I found myself wanting to do harm to someone. I was barely clinging on the edge of my sanity.

For now, I am still not sure if I have collected pieces of my sanity back......

Lemme just stop here /