2019 started harsh on me. One of the reasons I refrained from writing on the blog is that I broke up with my ex right before the very festive Chinese New Year. For almost the first half of 2019 I was a crazy bitch thirsty for revenge, hoping my ex to suffer in hell.
In February work called, taking up most of the time, so I thought I was okay due to less time thinking about him. There were days when I suddenly broke down and there were days I was so happy that I thought I was completely healed.
Working in school does not heal loneliness. While the number of people I talk to everyday is more than a hundred, I do not feel "belonged". F* the constant need of belonging. Maybe it's my fault for not opening up, but I rather not.
2019 has been filled with school, exam, work, my study, occasional pangs of loneliness, and lots of tears. Self-hatred is the main theme. Rather than seeing the worth in myself, I find myself constantly seek my worth in people's actions and compliments.
People also left one by one, not in terms of death. Some due to commitments, some for work and some... due to misdoings. I find myself sometimes putting the blame on me, and although I know it is not because of me, I still could not help it.
And this goddamn December is full of unhealthy relationships. My ex decided to pop up and send me a "how do you do" which I replied with "F*off",and I met some people who were really, really a piece of art.
Lastly, let's hope for better days to come.
Lemme end this right now/
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