Hey, brave yourself for my first post in 2020.
Initially I wanted to watch "Parasite", but with a sudden butt into my friends' 'date', the three of us end up watching "Little Women".
The movie is absolutely BEAUTIFUL. I have never encountered a movie so beautiful that I can't stop but sigh. I have to admit that as the first half of the story is quite boring... you know, just some daily stuff that girls those days go through, but as the story unfolds, I find myself drenched in tears. Being not exactly a lady (coz I don't carry tissues with me), my friend has to provide me with the needed tear-absorbing-piece of paper.
I admit that I am a sentimental cry-baby. Yet, the dam-breaking point is when the main character, Jo, said she wanted to be loved because she was tired of being lonely. That's when I sobbed until I shuddered in the attempt to hold back my "wail" (well maybe, it's a silent 'wail'). I think it is time to be true to myself. I keep on putting myself into unhealthy relationships cause I don't wanna be lonely anymore. I have a too-much-thought-producing mind which has the tendency to go uncontrol when I am alone. And that fears me a lot. I know what exactly fear can do to people, and I dread what it can do to me.
The act of constantly seeking for connection online is one thing. I couldn't help but stalk. And after my emotional sudden outburst, I couldn't help but hate myself. The need to be needed is far too much for me to handle. At the same time, I feel like I am trying to run away from my household responsibilities. I think it's the guilt that I feel that manifests into the nightmares that I have every night.
I know I can give you my sweetest smiles but remain bitter on the inside. That is the reason that I am never with peace with my own self.
After all these years of hating others, I realise that it is self-hatred. And I don't know if I have the courage to love myself, without yearning for others to love me.
Will my story end with the women getting married at the end? I doubt.
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