It’s been more than a week...my sleeping patterns are getting more random and weirder. Now here am I, wide awake, together with all my hollowness. Most of the time I woke up staring at the ceiling until I fell asleep again. The longest stretch of sleep did not exceed five hours... My body must have the reason to jerk me awake, but I definitely do not know why this is happening to me.
So with that emotional outburst and the constant need of attention, I think I successfully made myself lose my glamour. Maybe, maybe it is best to keep away from me. I always end up forcing too much of me on the other person. Of course they leave. I think this time, it would just be the same.
God, please don’t let me be like this anymore. You showed me my flaws and my misdoings, but you showed it in such a harsh way that someone had to leave. Why must it always like that? Is there anything I could even do to stop myself?
For the fear of losing my soul and the ones I truly cherished, maybe I should consider going into hiding once again. As I do not know when my inner demons will lash out and hurt people, maybe, and even maybe, before they are tamed, I should not reach out.
And may one day when all these self-loathing and guilt-trapping drama end, then I shall be forgiven. Before that happens, I shall be stuck in this never ending loop of hurting myself and the ones I love.
All these struggles.
#The Fear of Abandonment
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