To My Beloved 2020

 #爱你2020

这个2020年，可能对大家来说很可怕，也很不安，可是要知道，转变的背后就是重生。

2020是我的重生之年。

从一路的焦躁不安空虚无助，向外寻求关注而不可得的那个我，到如今可以以温柔的心看世界，我真的很感谢，这些在2020启发我的人事物。

2020年，让我看清我自己的黑暗面，接触身心灵，以自己的黑暗共处。成为那一道光，爱自己，以前这些我会鄙视的观念，也是把我从深渊里拉出来的力量。

2020年，我也学会了跟不适合的人告别。有些人，真的不必强求，尤其是从来不肯为了"我们"而改变自己的人。 学会设立健康的底线，拒绝"垃圾"思维的人类。 学会把精力放在自己和珍惜自己的人身上，拒绝"以爱之名"。

2020年，我也学会了什么叫做"自信"。 自信就是，清楚的知道自己存在的价值。 我找到了我的价值，也坚信我是无可取代的存在。

2020年，感谢那些一直支持我的朋友们，谢谢你们不厌其烦地看我摔跤又爬起，一遍又一遍。谢谢你们一直都在❤

也要感谢我在网络上偶然联系上的塔罗牌师Anjali，如果不是她，我不会是今天的我。

2020是个重生之年，也是个感恩之年。

感恩我接触了瑜伽之后，多年的心悸背痛也不再上门，作息也更加规律，也变得开朗了起来。

这一切，如果不是一场疫情，如果不是MCO,如果没有那些单独被关在房间的日子，我不会倾听我内心的声音。

感恩2020年让我看到，困境崛起，浴火凤凰。

#我爱2020

To all the decisions I have made in 2020

 This might be the most shocking decision I have made in 2020. 

I quit my Masters studies. 

As much as I think that I am an "excellent" student, apparently I could not bring myself to "excellence" in the field which I have little to no interest in. 

My passion lies in sharing knowledge, to help people and see the growth in them, and that's why the teaching profession suits me. Yet, when I applied for my Masters, what I had in mind was resentment and revenge, plus a deep hollow need to prove myself to the world. 

I must say 2020 is definitely a year full of huge transformations. I came to realise that I never needed to prove myself to anybody by pursuing higher education. It does not align with my purpose. I have zero motivation when it comes to writing my thesis. I have neither the curiosity a learner has to possess, nor the passion in delivering what I have learnt in my Masters to my students. Since then, days became more of a burden, rather than joy. To escape from myself, I resorted to binge eating and my weight spiked a full 20 kilos. I was not happy, but I did not know that this Masters study was the main cause then. 

After months of deep contemplation and numerous futile attempts to continue writing my thesis, I came to a point where I came clean to myself. I was stuck. I could not bring myself in front of my laptop and write. I resented each and every word I had put into my Masters thesis. I feared of the judgments from people around me. I feared that my parents would be deeply disappointed. I feared that my lectures and juniors or even friends would look down on me. And of course, I would have risked all the money I had put into this studies - which was a huge RM 42000. 

Nevertheless, I decided to quit. When I voiced my thoughts to my friends and family, it was surprising, as well as liberating. All of them supported my decision, even my Mum who was quite stubborn at times. She supported me and asked me to let go. Even as I am writing this down, I am in tears as I am touched by how people around me are supportive. 

And so today, 30th of December 2020, I finally muster up my courage and file in my withdrawal. 

I cried. I don't know why, but maybe they are just tears of relief. Or maybe, I am thankful to myself for letting myself go. 

And this is to you too. To all the decisions you have made in your life, bless them and move on. 

No regrets. 

Love and Light, 
Nikita