To all the decisions I have made in 2020

 This might be the most shocking decision I have made in 2020. 

I quit my Masters studies. 

As much as I think that I am an "excellent" student, apparently I could not bring myself to "excellence" in the field which I have little to no interest in. 

My passion lies in sharing knowledge, to help people and see the growth in them, and that's why the teaching profession suits me. Yet, when I applied for my Masters, what I had in mind was resentment and revenge, plus a deep hollow need to prove myself to the world. 

I must say 2020 is definitely a year full of huge transformations. I came to realise that I never needed to prove myself to anybody by pursuing higher education. It does not align with my purpose. I have zero motivation when it comes to writing my thesis. I have neither the curiosity a learner has to possess, nor the passion in delivering what I have learnt in my Masters to my students. Since then, days became more of a burden, rather than joy. To escape from myself, I resorted to binge eating and my weight spiked a full 20 kilos. I was not happy, but I did not know that this Masters study was the main cause then. 

After months of deep contemplation and numerous futile attempts to continue writing my thesis, I came to a point where I came clean to myself. I was stuck. I could not bring myself in front of my laptop and write. I resented each and every word I had put into my Masters thesis. I feared of the judgments from people around me. I feared that my parents would be deeply disappointed. I feared that my lectures and juniors or even friends would look down on me. And of course, I would have risked all the money I had put into this studies - which was a huge RM 42000. 

Nevertheless, I decided to quit. When I voiced my thoughts to my friends and family, it was surprising, as well as liberating. All of them supported my decision, even my Mum who was quite stubborn at times. She supported me and asked me to let go. Even as I am writing this down, I am in tears as I am touched by how people around me are supportive. 

And so today, 30th of December 2020, I finally muster up my courage and file in my withdrawal. 

I cried. I don't know why, but maybe they are just tears of relief. Or maybe, I am thankful to myself for letting myself go. 

And this is to you too. To all the decisions you have made in your life, bless them and move on. 

No regrets. 

Love and Light, 
Nikita