After Five Years

 I am not gonna deny that these five years have been one of the most eventfully-packed periods in my life. 

I knew since I was young that I am not going to be a teacher - at least teacher in the traditional sense - it's not that I don't like teaching, is just that I have been long traumatized by "teachers" despite having a few kind and wise teachers. 

My primary school Year 1 - 3 teacher was the one who moulded me into "a good girl". I was obedient and my people-pleasing skills were at peak. I even learnt drawing and painting which I knew I had no talent and only mild interest in , because I wanna "win" my teacher's heart. 

For the next half for my primary school years, I had started to rebel - I no longer people please, but this teacher enjoyed it a lot. Hence I was being ostracized, by the teacher, together with my classmates. I didn't even know how I go through the days, but I knew that was the first time I felt suicidal. 

I chose not to go to Jit Sin for my secondary school because most of my primary school classmates would be there. Instead I chose SMKTAR and yup thankfully I was no longer bullied. However, due to my fragile ego - I kinda lost myself but found myself anyway (I was a tomboy at that time). Teachers here were generally kind and nice, but I was a rebel anyway - I skipped classes or slept through lessons I didn't like. 

I went to Jit Sin for my Form Six, glad to make a few close friends and yahhh- I had a crush who was also the one and only guy whom I didn't confess to. 

I don't know why I am reviewing my school years haha, but since we have started might else just continue lol

I think basically I just wanna point out that I have bitter-sweet memories related to the school environment in general. 

I wanted to study medicine but short of results and money, I had no other interest nor direction, so I ended up studying education and became a teacher anyway. 

2019 was the year of my posting, and this year, in 2025, I quit. 

It turned out that the school environment and politics are eating me away, that I no longer feel joy or look forward to tomorrow, despite me performing and doing well. 

I had no friends and it's been the loneliest period of my life. I do go out with students. but they are just company,  not friends. And when I thought I belonged to a group, it turned out that they were childish and always dramatic- today I ngam with you, tomorrow I not ngam with you. Eventually going to work turns out torturous, and that speeded up my leaving. 

I am thankful for having this job since it really supports me during the covid lockdown. However, it is poison - I knew that the longer I stayed, the less happy I would be. 

I haven't let my parents know about my leaving. I guess I am too afraid of the consequences... maybe there isn't going to be any, who knows?