My series of unfortunate events

Heyyo! Sorry for disappearing... I won't say I have been trough hard times but well... things weren't that easy either. My list of misfortunes happened since the early of March till now, and it doesn't show any signs of relenting. 

I don't remember why and how it started... but it did anyway. Now I'm broke (there goes my PTPTN loan), with my laptop dead after drowning in a cup coffee that suppose to drown me but not that poor thing, my phone soft buttons paralysed after trying to commit suicide by jumping down from my desk (oh why would she), me suffering from sleeping... you call that disorder? I kept waking up in the middle of the sleep and OMG it's frustrating! Not only that, someone burned holes in my heart and I believe...(ya i just checked), it needs intensive care. 

Well maybe it's not that unfortunate after all, because all this while I've managed to survive. Call me weirdo and whatever you like, because I am used to it. My buddy told me I'm "unbeatable", and I guess so far I've live to it. So what? Bring it on!

 Now my unfortunate event is everyone's unfortunate event--- Exam! Whatever it is, exams never drag me down. So I might as well go and celebrate... I should stop these crazy thoughts. By the way just watch "Me Before You", not much of my type, too cliche and too noble. Am not going to reveal more about the movie, go and watch if you want to! 

Good luck in your finals! 

Bye

I've cried, I've been hurt. I've gone through dark times. But now I'm okay.

Life is what an amazing thing, don't you think so?

It makes me see that I'm stronger than I thought I would be. And I really am.

The universe sent me signals that he is not the right one. And I'm all but glad to listen to it.

Now I'm gonna say goodbye, and let's not meet again.

Bye. 

思念 太猖狂

当思念泛滥，汇成河，入海去。那浪，滔天。

你知不知道，叫一个人别去想太多，是没用的。 你越阻止， 思念越猖狂。然后，你就会发狂啊，科科。

如果有个开关，会不会好过一些。想关掉就关掉，有空的时候再开来偶尔回味。 可是，如果开关坏了，岂不是大祸 。

思念占据了整个脑袋？心房，拥挤得透不过气。 缺氧。

然后，无从宣泄的思念，就会变相成恐惧。

多么希望可以逃脱，这梦魇般的思念。是不是，该换我疯了。

总是， 该努力克制自己。恐惧却挥之不去。

我怕。

  

怕

我太想你。  

Bye Bye Angsty Me?

The main reason I have been missing for such a long time is well, I think, because I'm tired of being angsty. At least I can see that there is no point for me to be such an angry adolescent. And therefore I let all my thoughts go and sleep. 

Don't worry though, I am as busy as ever, and my life is as colourful as ever. The fakers are as lively as ever, and I have learnt that the best thing is to pay no heed to what the hell they're doing. So, no comment.

I start to like keeping things low profile, which is quite weird, because it happens that I am loud and noisy. Well, who cares? I'll have no regrets as I am living life the way I wish it would be. But my attitude seems to portray me as an irresponsible and lazy person. Or should I care? Duh. The funny thing is I didn't feel sorry at all for what I've done. Maybe I have fed up living up to others' expectations.

Or maybe I have become "matured", but I doubt it. For now I may as well bid goodbye to the angry me, but who knows when it would make its comeback?

I am still quite angsty, ain't I ?

Fools (cover)

Music to me

Watching and listening to too much music-related videos and shows somehow reignited the musical soul of mine. I've loved music since young, and I will continue to love music more. One thing I hate about myself is I never got the chance to learn music formally, or at least properly. 

The first thing that comes into my way is my Mum. Well, I believe her intentions are good, but it really rendered me into feeling helpless. My Mum BANNED me from doing anything music-related, even singing in the house is a big NO-NO. She said singing is a "bad culture" and should not be practised, singers out there apparently didn't lead a good life (in her view), and the entertainment world is nothing but a dark world in disguise of colourful appearances. So I couldn't sing at home, usually I sang in class, anywhere, when I am out of home and not with my family. 

I know my voice is the "not-bad" but "so-so" type, and I know I need to practise a lot in order to improve my singing. But then since I couldn't sing at home, apparently I ended up not singing for months. Humming to rhythm is not considered singing, and somemore when I REALLY do sing, my voice will reach my neighbour's. I was self-aware so I kept my voice and be the silent good girl in front of my parents.

Due to lack of singing, my voice shuddered a lot when I sang (during middle school) and of course some of my friend laughed at me for my "over-confidence" in singing. In the long run I kept singing as something I sucked at, and ended up not singing at all.

But then I have evidence that my singing is at least at the average line, because I do won a couple of singing competitions. So I gave a lot of thought and picked up singing again when I was in form 4, I make it a point that even though my singing is not the best, I am still better than most of them out there. I make it a point that singing isn't something I should suppress but I should instead express it. I don't care what others say about me, I just wanna sing. And indeed it makes me happier, although till now I still don't sing in front of my parents.

Oh how I wished I could learn more about music, and of course singing. The love for music can't be expressed because of my lack of knowledge in this field. I wanted to enroll in whatever music classes but I'm still afraid of what my family would say. I have to get their permissions anyway.

And of course with this hectic university life, I wondered if I am good enough at managing time to give space for music lessons. Sometimes I wrote lyrics, and was so frustrated of myself because I couldn't produce the music for the lyrics. My friend around me are not that talented, and well I am also to afraid to approach anyone with music talents. 

So the thing that I wanted to say is, I WANT TO LEARN MUSIC!

That's it. Hope you guys won't laugh at me after reading my confession. XD

Still Alive

A lot of stories are meant to remain secret.

Even if there were not secrets, they were not meant to be told to the public. 

And yes, I have many of those stories, remained untold. I want to tell, to have someone to know, to understand, to relate to me, to feel my feelings or at least, to listen to me.

But people judge easily, don't they? I trust my own fears more than anyone else in this world, and therefore I never tell my stories.

It's a burden, bearing all those emotions that could not be revealed, and what more they would not be revealed either. I don't want anybody to sympathise me, and that is why I never tell my stories. And oh my how they grow inside me, threatening to explode every single minute I breathe, every single second my heart beats. I don't know whether I should consider myself lucky or not, as I barely escape the outbursts of my emotions every time it happens. Whatever, I'm not going to tell anyway.

Hey guys, just wanna tell you I'm still alive. Hi. 

Forget

Sometimes you forget how to smile, and how to laugh.

There are times where you are there, watching laughter fills the air, but it just doesn't come to you. As if you are impenetrable, by emotions. So you sat there watching. There are times where it is so noisy around you, but all you can feel is silence. There are times where you are surrounded by throngs of people, but all you can feel is loneliness. You forget, how warmth feels like.

Sometimes you rather you forget everything, you wish there was never a beginning, so that there'll be no story, no sad ending. Sometimes you rather you have no memories, so that those beautiful haunting ones won't come back and pierce your soul. Sometimes you wish there was never you in the first place, so you won't end up like this, like now.

So you learn that forgetting is a good thing, because you forget those fears and injuries. But in the end you forget those happiness and love, and in the end you are no different than a piece of statue. You want to regret, but you feel no guilt; you want to laugh, but you feel no happiness; you want to cry but you feel no pain. 

And you forget how to live.

凋·梦

回忆   飘散于静寂的时空

翻转  辗侧  提醒着幸福的痛彻

平静的潭水   经不起   泪水的煽动

泛起   涟漪   暗潮汹涌

无法预测的   心跳的节奏

或生   或死   或眷恋彩虹

云端的虚拟  勾勒出  似梦非梦

幻   唤   焕   痪 

曾经朝阳   今日残暮 

Relationship Management II

The problem is, when crisis arises, would you be able to withstand the situation?

As if awaiting an impending storm, every heartbeat seems to ache with anticipation. And fear. 

I treat every single human being as a tickling bomb: dangerous. But you know, some of them never exploded; some of them letting out small bursts sometimes; and some of them are awaiting to create chaos. Doomed.

The thing is, when you treat someone like that, you would not be able to trust and believe in them. You would not be able to confide in them, because of the fear of one day they might betray you. You keep distance with them, and you would not be able to feel warmth. You scrutinize each and every action made, and you would not be able to get closer to the person; because the more you see, the scarier a person becomes. 

Everything happens for a reason, and I do not act weird out of no reason. I knew compared to those suffering illness and hunger and poverty my problem is nothing; I knew if I were to lament about it people would see me as good-for-nothing. So I remain silent.

Silence does not end the pain. As tide comes in, waves upon waves crash on, threatening to bring destruction. I know I would bear this emotional turmoil until the day my life ends. It would lessen, but will never subside.

I suck at managing relationships. 

Lucidly Drunk

It has been a month. 

I would rather use the word "occupied" than "busy" to describe my current situation. Yes, occupied. but not that satisfied.

The feeling of losing control over what I wanted in life is unbearable. To see the future as bleak, grey and hazy; little light, no hope, great despair. Others see the world in vivid colours, I see it in shades of grey.

As if a winded machinery, I numbly drag life towards its end. Feet by feet, step by step. And fears amplified by repetitions consume the soul, bit by bit, inches by inches.

I do not fear death, I fear the living. I want the suffer of living to cease, but life is not as you please. No matter how hard the armour, it would still be penetrated by a single attack. What is life if so fragile? I had no answer. I seek, but dare not desire. I weep, but stifle it in silence and darkness. 

Helplessness. How unlucky, but no sympathy deserved. Humans never cared about humans. 

I opened my eyes and saw grey; when I closed my eyes I saw darkness. Nothing really matters me anymore, except for the beating heart. I'm still capable of getting hurt after all. 

Crawling at the edge of two cities, I wish to grasp the lights but wish not to blind my eyes; I wish to embrace my fears but wish not to be consumed; I wish to end the woes but wish not to suffer. In the end I found myself in neither cities but the edge, and yet to reach the end.

It was never the end.

Your problem, not my problem mah!

The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crisis.

地狱里最黑暗的角落, 是那些在道德危机时保持中立的人们的最终归宿。

--Dan Brown 《INFERNO》

The worst thing one could do when forced to choose, is not to choose. You can say you have no comment, but for sure you would have preferences and biases, and of course your own views. You would have your own feelings, when it comes to certain people, things and issues. You have the right to remain silent and do nothing, but soon your conscience and guilt will haunt you. You could have care less, but then it won't benefit you, nor anybody.

Malaysia has yet experienced its fourth spring cleaning. When most Malaysians openly voiced their demands out loud; still a large proportion of them chose to remain silent. Yes, politics play dirty. That's why we want to clean them. The worst thing to do is remain in between-- half-dirty half-clean? There's no such thing. A little bit of dirt is considered dirty. When you choose not to make any decision, the decision is made, because life goes on.

The ones who remain silent are the worst human beings of all. Why? Because they're waiting for you to fight, and they're waiting to support the winner. They don't contribute anything at all, and when advantages come, they want'em all. Where are you when you are most needed? Ignoring and watching aside do not help the situation. It makes things worse. And sorry to say, you are the reason for that. 

Stupidity is not a bad thing, because one can learn to get rid of it. But ignorance is the most dangerous act one could do, because cancers grow when you ignore them. And that is why, you deserve the darkest place in hell.

Selfishness does not equal to individuality. You are just selfish. If the country's problem is not your problem, if you could not care more, then soon you would lose yourself.

选择停留在灰色地带的人们，最终将被黑暗吞没。
Those who chose to stay among the shadows, would eventually be consumed by darkness.

Is it still not your problem?

Wake up, Malaysians.