My family in USM

TWO days to the last paper of my finals and yet to start studying. This is just so me, procrastinating whenever I can. Just finished celebrating two of my friends birthdays, and phew, it's a lot of effort planning events. Everything is worth it when you know you have created memories that could not be replaced by any other moments in her lifetime.

It turns out that I haven't showed much of my "social life" through this blog, and well I think I am fairly active showing them through Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. So well there's no need for so much redundancy, shall we? Haha, to be honest, this is the first time in my life having such a big group of sisters, for the past twenty years before I came to university, I always prefer to stick to one or two close friends. And of course we have little frictions here and there, but we turn out fitting as a family. I thank God sincerely for assigning them to show up in this time of my life and bring me so much laughter and support. They change me for a better person. I even have some of my old friends telling me I have changed to be more a spontaneous and outgoing person with much laughter, compare to who I am years ago. Geez, I accept that as compliment. With that being mentioned, I give you a quick glimpse of my family here.

Seven Fairies 七鮮女 Birthday celebration 0620 

I think I need not emphasise how blessed I am to be surrounded by people who truly care about me. Well this blog post may seem a little corny and cheesy, and a little bit of not my usual style: I wish to dedicate my heart-felt thanks to the individuals appeared in the photo above. We still have years to go to test our friendship, but till then, I think we are fated to be stuck together. 

Love ya!

Indifferent me

There was once a person who told me he could not decipher what's going on in my mind. Well, me either. 

Years of dealing with people makes me conceal my feelings well. It has become my second nature and I doubt if I were to throw it away, I would have to throw away myself too. No one has ever asked or care about what I think or feel anyway. And I've learned through hard way never reveal yourself too much. But that doesn't  mean I'm incapable of expressing emotions. But that doesn't mean I'm incapable of showing love. I simple put my words in the simplest way where there would be no extra information for manipulators to twist it. Even news are not true. So what more can you believe?

I show people bits of true me, but never the whole. If they were to fill in the holes and make up stories of me, the ones who know me would definitely know.  Covering up doesn't mean I am fake, isn't it? I never did invent a new 'identity'. I just choose not to show. And that somehow makes me equals to the word "indifferent". I am not indifferent, it's just that you are not worth enough for me to care, get it?

I doubted myself multiple times, whether it was my problem or not? But no matter how hard I try to please everybody, there's always dissatisfaction. So what? Why should I care so much about others, care about his/her likes and dislikes when they never seem to be taking care about mine? So I'd learned I better turn a deaf ear over them. I learned to care for those who care for me, love those who love me as much as I would. And it ended up people saying I'm two-faceted. Aha... just great. 

The highest form of resentment I would show one is silence. I'm lazy to the moon and if I made effort to participate in a conversation, it means you are still worth some dollars. So if you were to bad-mouth about me, fuck off. I have no time dealing with you. Just go somewhere far off and continue to back stab me. I don't really care much. But if you happened to be in my land-mine zone, be aware of action-packed scenes. And scattered pieces of broken hearts. I never showed mercy to intruders anyway.

Errmmm... how do I end this? Darn it I'm not writing an essay anyway. Bye.

My series of unfortunate events

Heyyo! Sorry for disappearing... I won't say I have been trough hard times but well... things weren't that easy either. My list of misfortunes happened since the early of March till now, and it doesn't show any signs of relenting. 

I don't remember why and how it started... but it did anyway. Now I'm broke (there goes my PTPTN loan), with my laptop dead after drowning in a cup coffee that suppose to drown me but not that poor thing, my phone soft buttons paralysed after trying to commit suicide by jumping down from my desk (oh why would she), me suffering from sleeping... you call that disorder? I kept waking up in the middle of the sleep and OMG it's frustrating! Not only that, someone burned holes in my heart and I believe...(ya i just checked), it needs intensive care. 

Well maybe it's not that unfortunate after all, because all this while I've managed to survive. Call me weirdo and whatever you like, because I am used to it. My buddy told me I'm "unbeatable", and I guess so far I've live to it. So what? Bring it on!

 Now my unfortunate event is everyone's unfortunate event--- Exam! Whatever it is, exams never drag me down. So I might as well go and celebrate... I should stop these crazy thoughts. By the way just watch "Me Before You", not much of my type, too cliche and too noble. Am not going to reveal more about the movie, go and watch if you want to! 

Good luck in your finals! 

Bye

I've cried, I've been hurt. I've gone through dark times. But now I'm okay.

Life is what an amazing thing, don't you think so?

It makes me see that I'm stronger than I thought I would be. And I really am.

The universe sent me signals that he is not the right one. And I'm all but glad to listen to it.

Now I'm gonna say goodbye, and let's not meet again.

Bye. 

思念 太猖狂

当思念泛滥，汇成河，入海去。那浪，滔天。

你知不知道，叫一个人别去想太多，是没用的。 你越阻止， 思念越猖狂。然后，你就会发狂啊，科科。

如果有个开关，会不会好过一些。想关掉就关掉，有空的时候再开来偶尔回味。 可是，如果开关坏了，岂不是大祸 。

思念占据了整个脑袋？心房，拥挤得透不过气。 缺氧。

然后，无从宣泄的思念，就会变相成恐惧。

多么希望可以逃脱，这梦魇般的思念。是不是，该换我疯了。

总是， 该努力克制自己。恐惧却挥之不去。

我怕。

  

怕

我太想你。  

Bye Bye Angsty Me?

The main reason I have been missing for such a long time is well, I think, because I'm tired of being angsty. At least I can see that there is no point for me to be such an angry adolescent. And therefore I let all my thoughts go and sleep. 

Don't worry though, I am as busy as ever, and my life is as colourful as ever. The fakers are as lively as ever, and I have learnt that the best thing is to pay no heed to what the hell they're doing. So, no comment.

I start to like keeping things low profile, which is quite weird, because it happens that I am loud and noisy. Well, who cares? I'll have no regrets as I am living life the way I wish it would be. But my attitude seems to portray me as an irresponsible and lazy person. Or should I care? Duh. The funny thing is I didn't feel sorry at all for what I've done. Maybe I have fed up living up to others' expectations.

Or maybe I have become "matured", but I doubt it. For now I may as well bid goodbye to the angry me, but who knows when it would make its comeback?

I am still quite angsty, ain't I ?

Fools (cover)

Music to me

Watching and listening to too much music-related videos and shows somehow reignited the musical soul of mine. I've loved music since young, and I will continue to love music more. One thing I hate about myself is I never got the chance to learn music formally, or at least properly. 

The first thing that comes into my way is my Mum. Well, I believe her intentions are good, but it really rendered me into feeling helpless. My Mum BANNED me from doing anything music-related, even singing in the house is a big NO-NO. She said singing is a "bad culture" and should not be practised, singers out there apparently didn't lead a good life (in her view), and the entertainment world is nothing but a dark world in disguise of colourful appearances. So I couldn't sing at home, usually I sang in class, anywhere, when I am out of home and not with my family. 

I know my voice is the "not-bad" but "so-so" type, and I know I need to practise a lot in order to improve my singing. But then since I couldn't sing at home, apparently I ended up not singing for months. Humming to rhythm is not considered singing, and somemore when I REALLY do sing, my voice will reach my neighbour's. I was self-aware so I kept my voice and be the silent good girl in front of my parents.

Due to lack of singing, my voice shuddered a lot when I sang (during middle school) and of course some of my friend laughed at me for my "over-confidence" in singing. In the long run I kept singing as something I sucked at, and ended up not singing at all.

But then I have evidence that my singing is at least at the average line, because I do won a couple of singing competitions. So I gave a lot of thought and picked up singing again when I was in form 4, I make it a point that even though my singing is not the best, I am still better than most of them out there. I make it a point that singing isn't something I should suppress but I should instead express it. I don't care what others say about me, I just wanna sing. And indeed it makes me happier, although till now I still don't sing in front of my parents.

Oh how I wished I could learn more about music, and of course singing. The love for music can't be expressed because of my lack of knowledge in this field. I wanted to enroll in whatever music classes but I'm still afraid of what my family would say. I have to get their permissions anyway.

And of course with this hectic university life, I wondered if I am good enough at managing time to give space for music lessons. Sometimes I wrote lyrics, and was so frustrated of myself because I couldn't produce the music for the lyrics. My friend around me are not that talented, and well I am also to afraid to approach anyone with music talents. 

So the thing that I wanted to say is, I WANT TO LEARN MUSIC!

That's it. Hope you guys won't laugh at me after reading my confession. XD

Still Alive

A lot of stories are meant to remain secret.

Even if there were not secrets, they were not meant to be told to the public. 

And yes, I have many of those stories, remained untold. I want to tell, to have someone to know, to understand, to relate to me, to feel my feelings or at least, to listen to me.

But people judge easily, don't they? I trust my own fears more than anyone else in this world, and therefore I never tell my stories.

It's a burden, bearing all those emotions that could not be revealed, and what more they would not be revealed either. I don't want anybody to sympathise me, and that is why I never tell my stories. And oh my how they grow inside me, threatening to explode every single minute I breathe, every single second my heart beats. I don't know whether I should consider myself lucky or not, as I barely escape the outbursts of my emotions every time it happens. Whatever, I'm not going to tell anyway.

Hey guys, just wanna tell you I'm still alive. Hi. 

Forget

Sometimes you forget how to smile, and how to laugh.

There are times where you are there, watching laughter fills the air, but it just doesn't come to you. As if you are impenetrable, by emotions. So you sat there watching. There are times where it is so noisy around you, but all you can feel is silence. There are times where you are surrounded by throngs of people, but all you can feel is loneliness. You forget, how warmth feels like.

Sometimes you rather you forget everything, you wish there was never a beginning, so that there'll be no story, no sad ending. Sometimes you rather you have no memories, so that those beautiful haunting ones won't come back and pierce your soul. Sometimes you wish there was never you in the first place, so you won't end up like this, like now.

So you learn that forgetting is a good thing, because you forget those fears and injuries. But in the end you forget those happiness and love, and in the end you are no different than a piece of statue. You want to regret, but you feel no guilt; you want to laugh, but you feel no happiness; you want to cry but you feel no pain. 

And you forget how to live.

凋·梦

回忆   飘散于静寂的时空

翻转  辗侧  提醒着幸福的痛彻

平静的潭水   经不起   泪水的煽动

泛起   涟漪   暗潮汹涌

无法预测的   心跳的节奏

或生   或死   或眷恋彩虹

云端的虚拟  勾勒出  似梦非梦

幻   唤   焕   痪 

曾经朝阳   今日残暮 

Relationship Management II

The problem is, when crisis arises, would you be able to withstand the situation?

As if awaiting an impending storm, every heartbeat seems to ache with anticipation. And fear. 

I treat every single human being as a tickling bomb: dangerous. But you know, some of them never exploded; some of them letting out small bursts sometimes; and some of them are awaiting to create chaos. Doomed.

The thing is, when you treat someone like that, you would not be able to trust and believe in them. You would not be able to confide in them, because of the fear of one day they might betray you. You keep distance with them, and you would not be able to feel warmth. You scrutinize each and every action made, and you would not be able to get closer to the person; because the more you see, the scarier a person becomes. 

Everything happens for a reason, and I do not act weird out of no reason. I knew compared to those suffering illness and hunger and poverty my problem is nothing; I knew if I were to lament about it people would see me as good-for-nothing. So I remain silent.

Silence does not end the pain. As tide comes in, waves upon waves crash on, threatening to bring destruction. I know I would bear this emotional turmoil until the day my life ends. It would lessen, but will never subside.

I suck at managing relationships.