Lost

I'm tired of being strong, of acting tough, of not able to break down completely when I want to, of smiling when I have no intention to, of laughing out loud to cover my sadness, of repressing my emotions and trying to erase unwanted memories, of being unable to have good nights' sleep, of being unable to be myself.  

Why did I end up helping others patching their wounds while mine are left untended to? Why did my wounds unable to heal by themselves? Why did they end up deeper and deeper? Why did my "whys' never have answers? When can I sleep peacefully without being disturbed by haunting dreams?

I tried to believe that Universe has its own reasons for those things that happened to me. But why am I feeling more lost that ever? Why am I feeling lonelier when I'm surrounded by people? Why am I attacked with sudden sadness every time I laughed hard?

Darn it, please end this for me. 

Juniors?!

Well apparently this is only my second year being a senior, and I have never enjoyed being a senior. The thing is, not that I don't want to help, but I really am fed up layaning the karenah of these pampered kids. For God's sake, can't you be just a little bit more independent? Can you don't ask me each and every detail about everything? I almost curse when I saw the questions my junior asked me. The questions can be easily solved using logical thinking and some common sense. Please, put some effort in living your life. Now I am very afraid on hearing my phone vibrates, because I pray that it is not a message from juniors.

I force myself to reply message while holding on my emotions. I felt like writing Part III of "My Series of Unfortunate Events", but won't it be mean of me to list my juniors as unfortunate subjects? God forbids. I just hope after the first week of the semester he won't bother me anymore, or else I have to find some way to show him my true colours.

I am not a nice person, I tried to, but I am not.

Oh kids, GROW UP!!!

 

My series of unfortunate events –Part II

Life has its own way of turning against you when everything seems to be SUPPOSEDLY going well. Things just happened. Awfully.

My grandaunt passed away the next day after I posted about her in the last blog post, thanks to everybody praying that she won’t wake up anymore. A lot of conspiracy underneath, but let’s just cut short here. While managing her funeral, relatives see our family as “unwelcomed strangers”, and erm ya we kids just have to endure their stares until the whole thing’s over.

I’ve been suffering from flu since 9^th July till now, and haven’t improve a bit. Constantly on drugs make me feel dizzy and sleepy all day, what more I have to work. Working as a kindergarten teacher gives me the nightmares: I just can’t bear to have more than 10 kids calling at me simultaneously non-stop. Lately I bring their voices into my dreams and GOD DAMMIT! I can’t even have a good night’s sleep.

Still wondering if I should quit the job or not. The kids in the centre have been the main source of my flu virus, the environment is quite stuffy, and our young generation in this centre are viscous and unbearable (Did a handful of part-time jobs till now, I have never seen kids so naughty). I admit I do not have the energy to handle them. *sigh

Let’s see if I managed to stay put till the end of this month. I’ve promised to work till sem reopens, I am not the one that break promises, but seeing my health condition… Let’s just wait for a few days. And if my flu gets worse, I would have to say Sorry and bye-bye to my dear boss.

When will my misfortunes end?

Enraged. Shame.

Old ones said do not wash your own dirty laundry in public... but I am wayyyy too enraged by this group of so-called "relatives" to keep silent. Just how on earth could they do such thing... I still can't reason.

My grandpa's sister, or my father's aunt,  or my grand aunt, has been admitted to hospital on 5th of July due to fracture on somewhere around her pelvis, and has never leave hospital since then. Her situation worsened because of blocked arteries, and suffer from breathing difficulties. Despite so many days have passed and so many relatives have gone to visit her, my family remained in the dark. Okay, it's fine, I wouldn't accept your bullshit, because can you even TRY to believe that they can't reach us through a single phone call? And why on EARTH you managed to contact us NOW? It doesn't make sense!

Next, what the goddamn hell message did you deliver to us?! My grandaunt is not even close to death, goddammit she just have breathing difficulties and fluid in her lungs, all you have to do is to wait for her conditions to stabilise and arrange for surgery. So what the fucking mind are you in when you tell us she is going to DIE? You are not GOD! You are not even a doctor, how dare you sentence a person's death?

It's a shame to have relatives squabbling over a person that is so dear to me. Luckily my grandaunt is on sedatives and is sleeping and can't hear all the bullshits that have spoken by these dumbasses. At last they compromised and agree to schedule a surgery on Monday for my grandaunt.

God bless my grandaunt and hope that my relatives won't have to "sentence" her death yet again.

Well, I believe these relatives are over my grandaunt's fortune too, since she's unmarried and has no kids.

Who knows what happen next? 

My family in USM

TWO days to the last paper of my finals and yet to start studying. This is just so me, procrastinating whenever I can. Just finished celebrating two of my friends birthdays, and phew, it's a lot of effort planning events. Everything is worth it when you know you have created memories that could not be replaced by any other moments in her lifetime.

It turns out that I haven't showed much of my "social life" through this blog, and well I think I am fairly active showing them through Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. So well there's no need for so much redundancy, shall we? Haha, to be honest, this is the first time in my life having such a big group of sisters, for the past twenty years before I came to university, I always prefer to stick to one or two close friends. And of course we have little frictions here and there, but we turn out fitting as a family. I thank God sincerely for assigning them to show up in this time of my life and bring me so much laughter and support. They change me for a better person. I even have some of my old friends telling me I have changed to be more a spontaneous and outgoing person with much laughter, compare to who I am years ago. Geez, I accept that as compliment. With that being mentioned, I give you a quick glimpse of my family here.

Seven Fairies 七鮮女 Birthday celebration 0620 

I think I need not emphasise how blessed I am to be surrounded by people who truly care about me. Well this blog post may seem a little corny and cheesy, and a little bit of not my usual style: I wish to dedicate my heart-felt thanks to the individuals appeared in the photo above. We still have years to go to test our friendship, but till then, I think we are fated to be stuck together. 

Love ya!

Indifferent me

There was once a person who told me he could not decipher what's going on in my mind. Well, me either. 

Years of dealing with people makes me conceal my feelings well. It has become my second nature and I doubt if I were to throw it away, I would have to throw away myself too. No one has ever asked or care about what I think or feel anyway. And I've learned through hard way never reveal yourself too much. But that doesn't  mean I'm incapable of expressing emotions. But that doesn't mean I'm incapable of showing love. I simple put my words in the simplest way where there would be no extra information for manipulators to twist it. Even news are not true. So what more can you believe?

I show people bits of true me, but never the whole. If they were to fill in the holes and make up stories of me, the ones who know me would definitely know.  Covering up doesn't mean I am fake, isn't it? I never did invent a new 'identity'. I just choose not to show. And that somehow makes me equals to the word "indifferent". I am not indifferent, it's just that you are not worth enough for me to care, get it?

I doubted myself multiple times, whether it was my problem or not? But no matter how hard I try to please everybody, there's always dissatisfaction. So what? Why should I care so much about others, care about his/her likes and dislikes when they never seem to be taking care about mine? So I'd learned I better turn a deaf ear over them. I learned to care for those who care for me, love those who love me as much as I would. And it ended up people saying I'm two-faceted. Aha... just great. 

The highest form of resentment I would show one is silence. I'm lazy to the moon and if I made effort to participate in a conversation, it means you are still worth some dollars. So if you were to bad-mouth about me, fuck off. I have no time dealing with you. Just go somewhere far off and continue to back stab me. I don't really care much. But if you happened to be in my land-mine zone, be aware of action-packed scenes. And scattered pieces of broken hearts. I never showed mercy to intruders anyway.

Errmmm... how do I end this? Darn it I'm not writing an essay anyway. Bye.

My series of unfortunate events

Heyyo! Sorry for disappearing... I won't say I have been trough hard times but well... things weren't that easy either. My list of misfortunes happened since the early of March till now, and it doesn't show any signs of relenting. 

I don't remember why and how it started... but it did anyway. Now I'm broke (there goes my PTPTN loan), with my laptop dead after drowning in a cup coffee that suppose to drown me but not that poor thing, my phone soft buttons paralysed after trying to commit suicide by jumping down from my desk (oh why would she), me suffering from sleeping... you call that disorder? I kept waking up in the middle of the sleep and OMG it's frustrating! Not only that, someone burned holes in my heart and I believe...(ya i just checked), it needs intensive care. 

Well maybe it's not that unfortunate after all, because all this while I've managed to survive. Call me weirdo and whatever you like, because I am used to it. My buddy told me I'm "unbeatable", and I guess so far I've live to it. So what? Bring it on!

 Now my unfortunate event is everyone's unfortunate event--- Exam! Whatever it is, exams never drag me down. So I might as well go and celebrate... I should stop these crazy thoughts. By the way just watch "Me Before You", not much of my type, too cliche and too noble. Am not going to reveal more about the movie, go and watch if you want to! 

Good luck in your finals! 

Bye

I've cried, I've been hurt. I've gone through dark times. But now I'm okay.

Life is what an amazing thing, don't you think so?

It makes me see that I'm stronger than I thought I would be. And I really am.

The universe sent me signals that he is not the right one. And I'm all but glad to listen to it.

Now I'm gonna say goodbye, and let's not meet again.

Bye. 

思念 太猖狂

当思念泛滥，汇成河，入海去。那浪，滔天。

你知不知道，叫一个人别去想太多，是没用的。 你越阻止， 思念越猖狂。然后，你就会发狂啊，科科。

如果有个开关，会不会好过一些。想关掉就关掉，有空的时候再开来偶尔回味。 可是，如果开关坏了，岂不是大祸 。

思念占据了整个脑袋？心房，拥挤得透不过气。 缺氧。

然后，无从宣泄的思念，就会变相成恐惧。

多么希望可以逃脱，这梦魇般的思念。是不是，该换我疯了。

总是， 该努力克制自己。恐惧却挥之不去。

我怕。

  

怕

我太想你。  

Bye Bye Angsty Me?

The main reason I have been missing for such a long time is well, I think, because I'm tired of being angsty. At least I can see that there is no point for me to be such an angry adolescent. And therefore I let all my thoughts go and sleep. 

Don't worry though, I am as busy as ever, and my life is as colourful as ever. The fakers are as lively as ever, and I have learnt that the best thing is to pay no heed to what the hell they're doing. So, no comment.

I start to like keeping things low profile, which is quite weird, because it happens that I am loud and noisy. Well, who cares? I'll have no regrets as I am living life the way I wish it would be. But my attitude seems to portray me as an irresponsible and lazy person. Or should I care? Duh. The funny thing is I didn't feel sorry at all for what I've done. Maybe I have fed up living up to others' expectations.

Or maybe I have become "matured", but I doubt it. For now I may as well bid goodbye to the angry me, but who knows when it would make its comeback?

I am still quite angsty, ain't I ?

Fools (cover)

Music to me

Watching and listening to too much music-related videos and shows somehow reignited the musical soul of mine. I've loved music since young, and I will continue to love music more. One thing I hate about myself is I never got the chance to learn music formally, or at least properly. 

The first thing that comes into my way is my Mum. Well, I believe her intentions are good, but it really rendered me into feeling helpless. My Mum BANNED me from doing anything music-related, even singing in the house is a big NO-NO. She said singing is a "bad culture" and should not be practised, singers out there apparently didn't lead a good life (in her view), and the entertainment world is nothing but a dark world in disguise of colourful appearances. So I couldn't sing at home, usually I sang in class, anywhere, when I am out of home and not with my family. 

I know my voice is the "not-bad" but "so-so" type, and I know I need to practise a lot in order to improve my singing. But then since I couldn't sing at home, apparently I ended up not singing for months. Humming to rhythm is not considered singing, and somemore when I REALLY do sing, my voice will reach my neighbour's. I was self-aware so I kept my voice and be the silent good girl in front of my parents.

Due to lack of singing, my voice shuddered a lot when I sang (during middle school) and of course some of my friend laughed at me for my "over-confidence" in singing. In the long run I kept singing as something I sucked at, and ended up not singing at all.

But then I have evidence that my singing is at least at the average line, because I do won a couple of singing competitions. So I gave a lot of thought and picked up singing again when I was in form 4, I make it a point that even though my singing is not the best, I am still better than most of them out there. I make it a point that singing isn't something I should suppress but I should instead express it. I don't care what others say about me, I just wanna sing. And indeed it makes me happier, although till now I still don't sing in front of my parents.

Oh how I wished I could learn more about music, and of course singing. The love for music can't be expressed because of my lack of knowledge in this field. I wanted to enroll in whatever music classes but I'm still afraid of what my family would say. I have to get their permissions anyway.

And of course with this hectic university life, I wondered if I am good enough at managing time to give space for music lessons. Sometimes I wrote lyrics, and was so frustrated of myself because I couldn't produce the music for the lyrics. My friend around me are not that talented, and well I am also to afraid to approach anyone with music talents. 

So the thing that I wanted to say is, I WANT TO LEARN MUSIC!

That's it. Hope you guys won't laugh at me after reading my confession. XD