Last Post in 2019

2019 started harsh on me. One of the reasons I refrained from writing on the blog is that I broke up with my ex right before the very festive Chinese New Year. For almost the first half of 2019 I was a crazy bitch thirsty for revenge, hoping my ex to suffer in hell.

In February work called, taking up most of the time, so I thought I was okay due to less time thinking about him. There were days when I suddenly broke down and there were days I was so happy that I thought I was completely healed.

Working in school does not heal loneliness. While the number of people I talk to everyday is more than a hundred, I do not feel "belonged". F* the constant need of belonging. Maybe it's my fault for not opening up, but I rather not.

2019 has been filled with school, exam, work, my study, occasional pangs of loneliness, and lots of tears. Self-hatred is the main theme. Rather than seeing the worth in myself, I find myself constantly seek my worth in people's actions and compliments.
People also left one by one, not in terms of death. Some due to commitments, some for work and some... due to misdoings. I find myself sometimes putting the blame on me, and although I know it is not because of me, I still could not help it.

And this goddamn December is full of unhealthy relationships. My ex decided to pop up and send me a "how do you do" which I replied with "F*off",and I met some people who were really, really a piece of art.

Lastly, let's hope for better days to come.

Lemme end this right now/

Just Some Updates

Days in Ipoh have been overwhelmed by two major emotions: frustration and laziness. Well when I am in good mood I read in bits and pieces and constructed what I need for my thesis in my mind; when I am lazy I played mobile games like hell; when I am frustrated.... I played mobile games like HELL. Hahaha well that's it. 

Not much events happening though, except that it's near Christmas and New Year, so everyone is busying shopping for new clothes. I simply have no motivation to shop. The thing is, finding clothes that are available on the market that are suitable to be worn to SCHOOL is pure difficult. The designs and cuttings with the intention to expose women's desirable body parts are not deem to be fit for my workplace. So that makes me some old aunties wearing the few same suits to school. Nevermind, who to attract anyway? My colleagues are mostly married aunties and my students are GURLSSS.

Should this be counted as laziness? As days pass by I am lazier, where goes my motivation~

As my writing style is mostly based on dissing people, so let me write longer next time if I have any dissing to do. So far not yet. I am sure when school reopens I will have a hell lot to complain.

Till then/ 

Muaks/

One week till work recommences..

I don't know what to say.

I don't know it would turn out like this. It turns out that one of the instruments that I would like to use for my research is currently inaccessible and I may not be able to use it for real. Therefore I have to seek for alternatives.
Not given much choice, I only have the PISA test as my alternative, therefore I have to contact the OECD. Great. Let me see if I am getting any replies.

So this is me without progress. This is because if I change my instrument, I have to change the whole dissertation; I have to change my writing, I may need postponement for my graduation.... GOD.
Waiting for email replies is also another frustrating issue. You don't know the other side EXISTS or not.

Hence the frustration.

I still have one week and I have to get back to work. When work starts I doubt that I have time to work on my thesis.....

 Yep, this is me panicking/

Till then/

Rich Dad Poor Dad

Just managed to finish this book in the midst of working through my thesis. Read it in bits and pieces, but overall it is definitely a book worth reading, and one should read it YOUNG. Many of the points in the book mentioned are practical. and are something that we should have acquired since young. This is a book about financial literacy, a book that teaches you steps to take in order not to get broke overnight. PISA has also conducted tests on financial literacy levels for countries across the globe, I will update here once I found the data (read and forgotten lol) 

I definitely couldn't recall much that I have read: my mind contains more info about my dissertation.

Nevertheless there is one section in the book which summarises a few important points:
if you want to be financially-independent, you should develop these 10 powers:

1. The power of spirit: finding a reason greater than reality
2. The power of choice: making daily choices
3. The power of association: choosing friends carefully
4. The power of learning quickly: Mastering a formula and then learning a new one
5. The power of self-discipline: Paying yourself first
6. The power of good advice: Paying your brokers well
7. The power of getting something for nothing: Being the Indian giver
8. The power of focus: Using assets to buy luxuries
9. The power of myth: Choosing heroes to emulate
10. The power of giving: Teach and you shall receive



I got this book from Bookxcess at Gurney Paragon for not more than RM20 (exact price forgotten). Well I bet it is available illegally somewhere online in pdf format since it is a really "old" book. It is available in various languages as well. After reading it, I regretted for avoiding reading this book purposely since I was young as I shunned books that are related with money or business (don't know why). Now I definitely recommend you to start to be financially literate, if not let your children learn early.

Starting now is never late.

Let us see how much of this book that I will put into practice in real life.

There is also a CASHFLOW game on the official site that I have yet to give it a try.
https://www.richdad.com/products/cashflow-classic

Till then/

Good Night

何必拿真心与寂寞去纠缠

 

"Research" Thingy

Pursuing higher education is never easy.

And now I am wondering whether I have made the right decision, spending around ten thousand ringgit and don't know how many hours and effort to continue my masters.

Doing research online is hella frustrating: you dump yourself into an ocean of information and you drown. Surfing is not safe, neither do embarking the journey on a cruise ship. I guess I need some kind of war submarine to sink deeper.

And not to mention with the bulk of "good quality" research papers out there, it is really a torture to get the precise information that you need. Most are lengthy and without much important info, and after what it seems like an eternity because you put in the effort to read it... you don't understand what it is talking about. Hey, maybe I am not much of an academic person after all.

So this is me, currently rushing to catch up all the readings that I should be doing cause I have been busy from work. My mind got so rusty after months of not reading academic journals, but hey, academic journals are meant to be boring, aren't they?

Once my aim is to pursue till doctorate degree... but if you ask me this question now, I may need to ponder upon it for quite some time. Maybe, just maybe, if you ask me after I have gone through my masters degree, I will give you a different answer by then.

I am not in a right mood to give advice to any juniors or friends who would like to consult me to study masters... especially in RESEARCH.

For now, let me do some more research.

Till then/

Back home

Currently back home, trying to enjoy a one-month holiday which apparently doesn’t really feel like a holiday to me. I have work to do, two main projects to accomplish: my portfolio as a new teacher - due next Feb; and my master’s thesis. The sense of urgency came and left - which rendered me stagnant.

I decide to cut this post short and sorry that well, I look like I am posting this for the sake of posting, but I need to get myself busy. Both huge projects are weighing me down, nevertheless, it is more useful to start working rather than ranting.

Bye for now.

Escapism

I've not been honest to myself for quite some time... because I have stopped writing, and stop writing on this blog means I have refrained myself from facing own thoughts and emotions, and deter myself from forming my thoughts into words. 

These days I have lost the courage to look at life in the eye. 

  

So, shall we muster up some courage? 

- 

We claimed that we don't feel, because we felt too much. 

The fear that embedded deep within us, the fear of rejection, the fear of being let down, have resulted us to put up an indifferent act, although we care so much. 

For example, being alone. 

I am so used to being alone for quite some time, until I went to USM and study. And that's the time I had to start my hostel life. Staying in hostel was nothing special, except that you will be having a room mate. So for the four years in my uni life, I had this one special room mate, who got stuck as my room mate for four whole degree years. 

So this is me, getting used to living with someone for four years and after that, both she and I continued studying masters in USM. This time although we didn't stay together, I was still sharing my room with another room mate from China. So I wasn't completely alone then. However, the connection between my room mate and I just did not establish close relationship at all. After six months, I was posted to PCGHS as a teacher, and due to the travel distance, I moved to somewhere near. I rented a room, with two housemates. One of them is my colleague, and I bet there is nothing good with colleague leaving under the same roof, isn't it? Another housemate of mine, I know nothing about her except her face... so that's it. 

These two housemates don't make the place I rent feel anything like home to me. 

Hence the loneliness. 

One strange thing about me. The reason I chose teacher as my profession, is because I can't live without human interaction. I am the kinda bitch who requires attention, well, in appropriate doses. That's why being a teacher suits me. The classroom is a stage, and my students are my audience, albeit being forced to watch my performance. I gain energy from human interaction, healthy ones of course. The other side of the coin, is what is termed as "toxic relationship". Toxic in a way that it makes you crazy,confused and doubt yourself, corroding you day by day. 

I think it's time I come clear to myself. I am in a toxic one.

-

I don't know how to put this story in words, but as I wanted to put this relationship to an end, I wanted to at least tell what I would do starting from now. One of my friends told me: it takes 21 days to build a habit, so it takes 21 days to quit as well. This guy I know, this toxic what-so-ever friendship that has been dragging for months, I have to end it, and yesterday was DAY ONE. I will be slowly cutting off ties with him as to make it less painful, for me.

What I have done (day 1):

- deleted his admin position
- did not send a single message to him
- did not pick up his phone call until he called twice
- hanged up his call as soon as business was finished

What I have done (Day 2)
- kept on dissing him during the whole phone conversation


- ehhh so far like this.


By the way it's school holiday soon, and I won't be picking up his call at all. That's it, let's hope this end soon.

Enough of escaping from loneliness.
Enough of ignoring voice of the heart.

Hi

Hi, I'm back.

I guess I should keep on writing, and I should not stop writing, no matter what happened.

Whatever my thoughts are, no matter how dark and terrible they turn out to be, I need a channel to release them, and I guess this is the place.

I decided to quit writing and keep everything to myself - which was apparently not a healthy thing to do - speaking about emotional health that is.

I don't know what happened to the world - but I encounter more and more "sick" people as days passed by. I want to heal them, and I hurt myself.

There were days when I hated myself so much, that I feared for my soul. There were days that I found myself wanting to do harm to someone. I was barely clinging on the edge of my sanity.

For now, I am still not sure if I have collected pieces of my sanity back......

Lemme just stop here /

Maybe, Maybe Not

These days I have reverted back to the traditional style of writing diary on paper, so I bet I won't be coming here that frequent as I used to be. A lot had happened the past few months. It cannot be said that there wasn't any happy moment, but overall I can't see the kind of happiness that I hope for. I am trying to save my crumbling world while others are trying to destroy it. I want to blame myself for being not selfish enough to care for myself and only myself. Sometimes I am really envious of those selfish jerks cause they seem to be happier than me. 

Once a teacher told me that with my kind of personality, it will be hard for me to mingle in this world. I totally admit it, but what's the point of telling me that? Are you telling me to change, and become like everyone else? Or are you telling me to be myself, and no matter what happens, continue to be? I can't figure it out. My mind is always full of useless thoughts and it makes me want to hate myself. And when I try to find someone to share, they regard me as a person full of negativity. People always criticise, but they do not tell me what I SHOULD do. Or should I just forget who am I and try to live like everyone else? 

I know, even when I speak myself at this platform, there still exists many of you who snicker after reading what I have said. I am not asking anyone else to help, nor to understand me; I am just saying what I wanted to say, and trying to find comfort within myself. And if that is not permittable, then please excuse me. Maybe I should disappear than being an eyesore. 

So with this much negativity within me, I am thinking that maybe I should quit blogging. Or maybe not. 

I am still thinking. 

  

Please support!

Hey peeps!

This story of mine is a simple yet true event on a child who suffers from autism.
If you would like more people to be aware of autism and be more considerate towards them, give me some support!

Please click into the link, read my story, and vote! I would appreciate if you leave your comments for me! If you liked the story, share it to your friends as well😇

Thanks and bless you!
#AutismAwareness

https://notionpress.com/story/read/499/the-child-who-came-from-the-stars

Ahoy Misfortunes!

Yay, it’s the falling-sick season… I don’t know if it’s a curse or something, I always fall sick when it comes to semester break. I’ve been through hell when I am busy studying, and now I am at another different level of hell which torments my physical condition and challenges my emotional intelligence. Hey, just give me a break. 

Last semester break I suffered from a flu that lasted for almost three months, and now here comes more good news: I have to go to school to provide “free labour” because of our dear USM policy, and I suffer from gastritis. All these actions of burning time and burning stomach ain’t helping my burning purse at all! Well I haven’t started my slavery period yet, but I can already imagine how much worse my temper will become. 

(note to myself: Deep breath… I must refrain from using negative words…) 

Last week I went back to Jit Sin (my former From Six School) to settle the ROKS (Rancangan Orientasi Kendiri Sekolah) thingy, and it just turned out GREAT. MY friend and I went to see the principal at 10am, and he insisted of sending us to the afternoon session when we requested for morning one, so okay, we were asked to come back at 1pm to meet the PK Petang, and so we waited. When we arrived at the principal’s office at 1pm, he was nowhere to be seen. And so we waited until 2.30pm, an office staff just came back from lunch and helped us to contact the principal, and he said he’ll come back in half an hour, and so we waited for him until 3pm. Then finally the thing was settled. Phew. But dear principal, how could you ask us to see you at 1pm and you appeared only 2 hours later without leaving a note? Is it time is precious to you but not to us? From 10am to 3pm, we wasted about 5 hours literally doing nothing. What a great school, great... (stuffed my mouth with food to prevent babbling)

And so, since the principal already signed the documents I can’t change to other schools so I think I’ll just stick with my destiny, which will begin this Thursday (lucky number 13!). My mentor turned out to be a nice person, well, based on first impression, so I hope I will really learn something from her so that I can forgive whatever misfortune that has befallen on me. Yup. Looking on the brighter side, most of my mentor classes are Form 1, which means I get a chance to observe and learn how a KSSR classroom is, and that means valuable new experience. For now, let me just keep positive thoughts in mind. 

The goddamn stomach! I think it’s my own doing of pouring coffee into my empty stomach every morning that results in my suffering. GREAT. Now not only I have to quit coffee, there’s a whole lot of food that I cannot put into my tummy. I can’t fall asleep at nights because of the stomach, and I sleep a lot during the day because of the medication I take. I am hungry but my stomach puts on the no-entry sign. It’s torturing! What can I say is that I totally deserve it. 

I hope my tummy will stop acting up when I go to school. I planned to find some part-time job to fill in the morning as the ROKS thingy isn’t promising me any income, and you know how poor uni students have to work in order to survive, yeah? But because of me falling sick I have wasted my time on sleeping and didn’t manage to secure any job yet. (sigh…) And of course because I am not the hard-working type, so I have a hard time persuading myself to get the lazy ass up and search for a job. 

So, let me conclude, in the end I deserve EVERY misfortune that has befallen on me. Good job.