Suppressing emotions, Repressing memories

There are things you would not want to talk about. You suppressed them, and in the end they become repressed memories in you subconscious mind. But there is never a way to TOTALLY forget them. Because you are made of them. 

I am an introvert. I keep things to myself, dislike crowds, love to be alone and whatever behaviour the psychologists mentioned, I got them all. But I am not born like this. I am an extrovert: talk a lot ,talk loudly, outgoing, adventurous, fun, love to party... I was and still am, but I tend to suppress those emotions of mine. Why? Because of those things that happened on me that I wanted to forget so badly. So I stay in between. A shy extrovert. An talkative introvert. 

There were days where I wanted to kill myself. There were days I felt there was still hope in life. There were days I felt so desperate to get rid of something. There were days I laughed until tears welled up my eyes. I remembered some of them, but still, I repressed most of them. I don't know how to enjoy life. There were days I let my emotions slide, but most of the time they are caged. I am still not strong enough to get hold of myself. Yet I force myself to be.

Yes indeed, I fear the living and fear for the living. Living means struggling, torturing, getting hurt and falling down. But I want to stay alive. So I forget. I force myself to forget those moments, of getting hurt, of falling down. And there they stay in the darkest corners in my soul. So here I am, alive, and afraid.

I am a coward. One day I hope I am brave enough to face my own fears.

浮云，真的自由吗？

文艺青年都喜欢利用大自然，爽不爽就扯个风扯个雨，凑成一堆文字变成一篇作品。也不懂那天我是搞深沉还是无所事事，抬头望一下天，竟悟出了另一番情境。那白云，真的自由吗？我们向往的白云般的自由，是不是真正的自由呢？ 

你看到的，不一定是事实。可否想过，控制着云的，是风？风一吹，云只能毫无抵抗地跟着走；反之如果风不吹，云小姐要怎么挪都移动不了。这，是自由吗？风把云吹散时，万里晴空；风把云聚合起来，借用小学的成语：乌云密布。云，毫无反抗之力。无形的束缚捆绑着，你看不见的事情不代表它没发生。拨开乐观的面具，你不会知道后面等带着你的是什么。

如果人如白云，那么无数的欲望便代表着风。每天奔波忙碌，为的是什么？那就是控制着你的风。什么时候才能摆脱风的束缚呢？我不晓得，只因我也是白云一朵。当风再也不能催使你的时候？难道那时才是真正的，彻彻底底的自由？

不食人间烟火，不看世俗红尘？如果死亡代表着自由，那并不意外。但如果致死才能解脱，活着，就不能享受自由吗？

我知道个好东西，可以让你拥有自由--金钱。钱就是力量啊，当你的钱必人家多，你享受的自由的限度也就比人家大。但是什么时候的我，才能攒够那些能够换取我想要的自由的钱？到那时候，我还有日子享受它们吗？世界如此不公，因为她是母的。人类不都称她为母亲嘛。

所以你问我想要什么的话，我要钱，要势力，要力量。因为这样我才能拥有我要的自由。不然就等死后的世界吧，看看解脱了世俗以后，是不是能拥有自由。

我不想当白云，因为只能跟风。我要当风，让白云都跟着我。

你，还向往当云么？

抢救华文？ 抢救华文！

金 樽 清 酒 斗 十 千 ， 　玉 盤 珍 羞 直 萬 錢 。

停 杯 投 箸 不 能 食 ， 　拔 劍 四 顧 心 茫 然 。
欲 渡 黃 河 冰 塞 川 ， 　將 登 太 行 雪 暗 天 。
閑 來 垂 釣 坐 溪 上 ， 　忽 復 乘 舟 夢 日 邊 。
行 路 難 ， 　行 路 難 ，
多 歧 路 ， 　今 安 在 ？
長 風 破 浪 會 有 時 ， 　直 挂 雲 帆 濟 滄 海 。
---李白 《行路难》

华语行路难。

面子书掀起一股 #抢救华文 风潮。偶然看到了就点个赞，分享，然后不了了之。怎么个抢救法？说实话我还真的一点都不明白。一个语言之所以兴起，是因为人类使用它。之所以灭亡，是因为人们不再使用它。马来西亚华语还死不了，也不至于到病危的程度。所以要怎么救，该救或不救，还是以后的事。

面子书上哪位仁兄写了好那么一大段，我隐约还记得的是他说SPM华语不难考。很多人放弃考华语，是怕被华语连累成绩。但其实也就只有优秀生怕被连累，其他人呢？说说华语很难拿优等的事，其实SPM的计分制度就算是跟着巴仙率的嘛，考试局要故意刁难也只能让它乱来，我们能去追究吗？ 最后一大群人还是以同样的理由不考华语，然后呢？ 没啦！

韩国人是中华民族，日本人也是。至今，华语都还在他们的学习范围内。书得读，考试得考，人家还不是活的好好的。我们也可以啊。再说华语不是大势吗，怎么说也只能算是个优势，怎么把它当成劣势了呢？

好好好，说了那么一大堆，没证据人家怎么能信服你。小妮子SPM 华语 A+ ，还多事拿了中国文学自修， A-。当然你可以说我那一届考卷比较容易啦，我比较幸运啦 等等等等，借口要找的话还是找得到的。现在的我还后悔当初没选择华语系呢。算了算了。

有位仁兄在帖子下留言：先抢救马来西亚，在抢救华语吧! 这话倒是说的没错。小妮子还是一个问题，怎么个抢救法？ 我们能有什么力量呢。

大家，尽力就好。至少别袖手旁观隔岸观火，城门失火必殃及池鱼。什么？你不是鱼？那就好。

你今天用华语了吗？你尽本分了吗？如果没有，那你没资格说抢救华语。请用行动证明。

Polluted Mind on the Grind?!

It is way much a challenge for an adult like me NOT to include any adult content in my own writing. Of course sexual content would be inappropriate and the easiest to exclude; what about violence, crime, the darker sides of human beings and stuff like that? Is it because the books I had been reading all the while had been polluting my mind? Haha, sounds like I am giving excuses.

I am never picky when it comes to food, the same applies to reading. Literally, if it wasn't that bad, I consumed it whole. Don't waste your food!

Looks like I have gotten the wrong ingredients to prepare my food. Glancing at my collection of books: crime, mystery, fantasy, horror... Okay I got it. I never prepare myself to write 'clean' stuff since the very beginning. You reap what you sow.

Let's keep our fingers crossed that I would be able to get my work done before due date, and that my work would not pollute the younger generation's minds?

Hey if you guys have any good books in mind please recommend me so. One thing, I am not into romance but see if you can get me into it!

It's time to get back to the grind! See you guys soon!

My Own Style of Relationship Management

Going through my previous posts just to find myself an outgoing person. I admit I am, most of the time? Yet when I engage in deep conversations, people often get surprised by my views. They get even more surprised when they realise that I am a deeply-sensitive observant person. Hahaha, surprise is my element. 

I don't trust people easily. And when I trust people, I don't trust them completely. I am aware of people abusing others' trusts, so I always make sure the information I give won't be use against me. And if I ever told you a 'secret', don't be foolish, that is not considered 'secret'. Because I never revealed my secrets to anyone. Just because you don't know, doesn't mean that it's a secret. Secrets are never meant to be revealed.

And because of the nature of lacking trust in people, I indulge in much time observing them. I don't judge people based on first impressions, but taking time up to three months to come to a small conclusion on which level of relationship I should carry out with them. Errm, I have my own scale, based on how much trust I would give you and how much true self I would show you. 

I am sensitive, therefore I don't trust people easily. The reason I lack trust in human being is simple: they abuse my trust. Once bitten twice shy. The consequence is I invented my own style of relationship management. Consider me weird.

I have told some of my friends before, and well, they are quite shocked that I actually "calculate" relationships. I believe some of you are quite shocked as well, and that means you are normal. If you were as abnormal as me, you would understand: this is just crisis management. I just don't want to get myself hurt. Don't you see it?

There's difference when it comes to "special relationship". The moment I realised I had a considerable amount of liking towards someone, I would hold onto my heart and analyse the situation. Most of the time I give up and friend-zone him. In the end they don't even know I had feelings towards them before. Well, I quit if I don't want to get hurt. 

It daunted on me when and how I would trust a person enough to let him into my life. My own insecurities often gnaw on my soul that it hurts, but I don't know how to get rid of them. For now I think the safest way would be to stick to my style!

Don't worry , I won't harm people. I just don't trust them.

《是你吗》歌词

Verse1
快乐  耀眼得刺眼
像  太阳般遥不可及
我的世界里 只有雨季
滴滴  答答  滴滴
是踢踏舞的旋律
拼凑不出  欢乐的节奏
散发着的  是浓浓的愁绪

Verse2
叹息  混合着咖啡的香气
飘散在思念  的季节里
回忆弹奏着缅怀  过去
原地打转  走不出去

Chorus
是谁   敲   响了沉睡的钟
唤   醒了落叶纷飞的梦
是谁  砸  碎了一地彩虹
扯   裂了刚愈合的伤口
是谁  击  落了翱翔的海鸥
坠   溺  在滔滔海浪中
是谁 是谁 是谁


Bridge
是你吗   我已无法呼吸
是你吗   我没有头绪
是你吗   残留着的气息
是你吗   还是我自己

Keeping fit

Been exercising really diligently first time in my life, funny though. I was slim but now I am overweight, so it's time I get myself back into shape. My journey of growing fat surprisingly took shorter time than I imagined. I started sports since I was in primary 3, and I stopped when I was in form 5. I was not good in athletics, so I played ball! So far I represented school in netball, handball and basketball, and the time I indulged the most was in handball. I had no diet or weight managing problems of course, because I practised a lot, and eventually I was trim and lean. Not to mention when it was gaming season, I usually practised 4-5 hours a day. I didn't realise my potential of weigh gaining until I stopped participating the activities. I gained 10 kilos when I was in form 5 preparing for my SPM, and before getting into USM I gained another 5 kilos.

I never cared about my weight since I never need to, but judging at all the weight I had gained I began to give it some serious thought. I had not only been gaining weight, I had lost the muscles and shape I owned for granted for so many years. The transition of my lifestyle from highly-active to sedentary had had its effects on me. What makes the situation worse is that I am a VERY lazy person, and I wouldn't even budge an inch if it is not necessary. Some more I hated sports that I have to do ALONE, that means all those jogging and hitting the gym does not suit me, All in all I have excuses for not exercising, and all those excuses contributed to my weight. haha.

I had forced myself to wake up earlier in the morning and did aerobics. I don't know if it worked or not since I have just started for a month, and been excusing myself for quite a couple of days because of the muscle pains. But seeing others succeed in it makes me want to try too, and it is certainly better than not doing anything. My muscles ache a lot and protest a lot, but I must persist. Just hope that I could get rid of my flabby fats here and there. 

I have set myself to work out at least three times a week. Rules are made to be broken, but I hope that I would not break this one. I have broken a lot of rules I set for myself. I don't have the courage to show you guys any evidence of my progress of fighting against my own weight, but if I got good news I would tell you. If only.

Let's hope for the best,hehe.