Currently back home, trying to enjoy a one-month holiday which apparently doesn’t really feel like a holiday to me. I have work to do, two main projects to accomplish: my portfolio as a new teacher - due next Feb; and my master’s thesis. The sense of urgency came and left - which rendered me stagnant.
I decide to cut this post short and sorry that well, I look like I am posting this for the sake of posting, but I need to get myself busy. Both huge projects are weighing me down, nevertheless, it is more useful to start working rather than ranting.
I've not been honest to myself for quite some time... because I have stopped writing, and stop writing on this blog means I have refrained myself from facing own thoughts and emotions, and deter myself from forming my thoughts into words.
These days I have lost the courage to look at life in the eye.
So, shall we muster up some courage?
-
We claimed that we don't feel, because we felt too much.
The fear that embedded deep within us, the fear of rejection, the fear of being let down, have resulted us to put up an indifferent act, although we care so much.
For example, being alone.
I am so used to being alone for quite some time, until I went to USM and study. And that's the time I had to start my hostel life. Staying in hostel was nothing special, except that you will be having a room mate. So for the four years in my uni life, I had this one special room mate, who got stuck as my room mate for four whole degree years.
So this is me, getting used to living with someone for four years and after that, both she and I continued studying masters in USM. This time although we didn't stay together, I was still sharing my room with another room mate from China. So I wasn't completely alone then. However, the connection between my room mate and I just did not establish close relationship at all. After six months, I was posted to PCGHS as a teacher, and due to the travel distance, I moved to somewhere near. I rented a room, with two housemates. One of them is my colleague, and I bet there is nothing good with colleague leaving under the same roof, isn't it? Another housemate of mine, I know nothing about her except her face... so that's it.
These two housemates don't make the place I rent feel anything like home to me.
Hence the loneliness.
One strange thing about me. The reason I chose teacher as my profession, is because I can't live without human interaction. I am the kinda bitch who requires attention, well, in appropriate doses. That's why being a teacher suits me. The classroom is a stage, and my students are my audience, albeit being forced to watch my performance. I gain energy from human interaction, healthy ones of course. The other side of the coin, is what is termed as "toxic relationship". Toxic in a way that it makes you crazy,confused and doubt yourself, corroding you day by day.
I think it's time I come clear to myself. I am in a toxic one.
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I don't know how to put this story in words, but as I wanted to put this relationship to an end, I wanted to at least tell what I would do starting from now. One of my friends told me: it takes 21 days to build a habit, so it takes 21 days to quit as well. This guy I know, this toxic what-so-ever friendship that has been dragging for months, I have to end it, and yesterday was DAY ONE. I will be slowly cutting off ties with him as to make it less painful, for me.
What I have done (day 1):
- deleted his admin position
- did not send a single message to him
- did not pick up his phone call until he called twice
- hanged up his call as soon as business was finished
What I have done (Day 2)
- kept on dissing him during the whole phone conversation
- ehhh so far like this.
By the way it's school holiday soon, and I won't be picking up his call at all. That's it, let's hope this end soon.
Enough of escaping from loneliness.
Enough of ignoring voice of the heart.
I guess I should keep on writing, and I should not stop writing, no matter what happened.
Whatever my thoughts are, no matter how dark and terrible they turn out to be, I need a channel to release them, and I guess this is the place.
I decided to quit writing and keep everything to myself - which was apparently not a healthy thing to do - speaking about emotional health that is.
I don't know what happened to the world - but I encounter more and more "sick" people as days passed by. I want to heal them, and I hurt myself.
There were days when I hated myself so much, that I feared for my soul. There were days that I found myself wanting to do harm to someone. I was barely clinging on the edge of my sanity.
For now, I am still not sure if I have collected pieces of my sanity back......
These days I have reverted back to the traditional style of writing diary on paper, so I bet I won't be coming here that frequent as I used to be. A lot had happened the past few months. It cannot be said that there wasn't any happy moment, but overall I can't see the kind of happiness that I hope for. I am trying to save my crumbling world while others are trying to destroy it. I want to blame myself for being not selfish enough to care for myself and only myself. Sometimes I am really envious of those selfish jerks cause they seem to be happier than me.
Once a teacher told me that with my kind of personality, it will be hard for me to mingle in this world. I totally admit it, but what's the point of telling me that? Are you telling me to change, and become like everyone else? Or are you telling me to be myself, and no matter what happens, continue to be? I can't figure it out. My mind is always full of useless thoughts and it makes me want to hate myself. And when I try to find someone to share, they regard me as a person full of negativity. People always criticise, but they do not tell me what I SHOULD do. Or should I just forget who am I and try to live like everyone else?
I know, even when I speak myself at this platform, there still exists many of you who snicker after reading what I have said. I am not asking anyone else to help, nor to understand me; I am just saying what I wanted to say, and trying to find comfort within myself. And if that is not permittable, then please excuse me. Maybe I should disappear than being an eyesore.
So with this much negativity within me, I am thinking that maybe I should quit blogging. Or maybe not.
This story of mine is a simple yet true event on a child who suffers from autism.
If you would like more people to be aware of autism and be more considerate towards them, give me some support!
Please click into the link, read my story, and vote! I would appreciate if you leave your comments for me! If you liked the story, share it to your friends as well😇
Yay, it’s the falling-sick season… I don’t know if it’s a curse or something, I always fall sick when it comes to semester break. I’ve been through hell when I am busy studying, and now I am at another different level of hell which torments my physical condition and challenges my emotional intelligence. Hey, just give me a break.
Last semester break I suffered from a flu that lasted for almost three months, and now here comes more good news: I have to go to school to provide “free labour” because of our dear USM policy, and I suffer from gastritis. All these actions of burning time and burning stomach ain’t helping my burning purse at all! Well I haven’t started my slavery period yet, but I can already imagine how much worse my temper will become.
(note to myself: Deep breath… I must refrain from using negative words…)
Last week I went back to Jit Sin (my former From Six School) to settle the ROKS (Rancangan Orientasi Kendiri Sekolah) thingy, and it just turned out GREAT. MY friend and I went to see the principal at 10am, and he insisted of sending us to the afternoon session when we requested for morning one, so okay, we were asked to come back at 1pm to meet the PK Petang, and so we waited. When we arrived at the principal’s office at 1pm, he was nowhere to be seen. And so we waited until 2.30pm, an office staff just came back from lunch and helped us to contact the principal, and he said he’ll come back in half an hour, and so we waited for him until 3pm. Then finally the thing was settled. Phew. But dear principal, how could you ask us to see you at 1pm and you appeared only 2 hours later without leaving a note? Is it time is precious to you but not to us? From 10am to 3pm, we wasted about 5 hours literally doing nothing. What a great school, great... (stuffed my mouth with food to prevent babbling)
And so, since the principal already signed the documents I can’t change to other schools so I think I’ll just stick with my destiny, which will begin this Thursday (lucky number 13!). My mentor turned out to be a nice person, well, based on first impression, so I hope I will really learn something from her so that I can forgive whatever misfortune that has befallen on me. Yup. Looking on the brighter side, most of my mentor classes are Form 1, which means I get a chance to observe and learn how a KSSR classroom is, and that means valuable new experience. For now, let me just keep positive thoughts in mind.
The goddamn stomach! I think it’s my own doing of pouring coffee into my empty stomach every morning that results in my suffering. GREAT. Now not only I have to quit coffee, there’s a whole lot of food that I cannot put into my tummy. I can’t fall asleep at nights because of the stomach, and I sleep a lot during the day because of the medication I take. I am hungry but my stomach puts on the no-entry sign. It’s torturing! What can I say is that I totally deserve it.
I hope my tummy will stop acting up when I go to school. I planned to find some part-time job to fill in the morning as the ROKS thingy isn’t promising me any income, and you know how poor uni students have to work in order to survive, yeah? But because of me falling sick I have wasted my time on sleeping and didn’t manage to secure any job yet. (sigh…) And of course because I am not the hard-working type, so I have a hard time persuading myself to get the lazy ass up and search for a job.
So, let me conclude, in the end I deserve EVERY misfortune that has befallen on me. Good job.
一直以来写作都是很突发性的事情，灵感来了不敲门直驱而入，我随手便抓了支笔在纸张任何一处空白上开始洋洋洒洒。灵感这东西有时如电光火石，刹那即逝，回头已不见芳踪；有时却如缠绵情愫，绵绵不绝，回甘入心间；这便是我纪念生活点滴的方式。 随着岁月，我书写的文字以填补扉页上空白的方式，在我无意间翻阅书本时，一一跳跃出来 。Write for own pleasure 是我一贯固执的坚持，然而如今我才发觉，是我低估了自己笔下文字的值。They deserve their credits, they deserve their very own screen time, no matter how short it is. 在我人生的戏剧里，他们不应该被禁锢，不应该被限制成我自己的娱乐品。 是我太自私了，让他们无法有出彩的那一刻。是我让世俗红尘为他们披上层层沉沉的灰，让他们疲惫得喘不过气来，随即等待他们的是没落，穷途。
It's been a long time since graduation that we have a long, engaging conversation, nearly 5 hours. The details of the conversation is still ringing by my ears, so clear, so defeaning and annoyingly sweet ~ it makes me reluctant to fall asleep.
It's very surprising- that the only friends that I am currrently keeping in touch with are the ones I have known for the shortest period of time. I did not keep in touch with my primary schoolmates, bad memories they gave me (that's a very long story); I only have 1 to 2 close friends during my secondary school days, and although I don't want to admit it, I feel like we are slowly drifting apart. The current Form 6 gang is the ONLY people who will gather together during holiday breaks. Never in my life (which is full of difficult friendships) that I would I would imagine me having the opportunity to hang out with a large group of people, yet did not feel that I am being alienated. This is the first time- and sincerely hope it will continue till we grow old.
I never thought that I am seriously enjoying the conversation: I am glad that I made the effort to get out of my lazy zone and get out of my house to meet them. The recent updates of my friends on how they are doing, and a few sprinkles of school-time memories make me feel young again. I am glad that I made the decision to study my Form 6 in Jit Sin, although I still didn't quite like the school environment. Overall, I am nothing but glad.
I have this sudden feeling of nostalgia- I am missing those days when we were in Form 6. I regretted not showing more of my true self to my friends; and suddenly realised that one and a half year is simply too short. Yet, we are still able to tune into conversation harmoniously after all these years, and a sudden wave of emotions hit me. I don't know what it is: maybe because I am touched.
With everyone owning smartphones nowadays it is impossible for one not to take photos of everything whenever they feel like it. They feel the need of using the power of the camera in their phones to tell the whole world about literally anything, but they have forgotten the danger of showing everything: how it may harm someone that you don't even know; and how you may summon harm towards yourselves.
I totally agree that taking photos means creating memories - but does the one that the photo is being taken want to be that part of the memory? See - if the agreement is not mutual, it is not the right thing to do. Okay, let me put it in simpler ways:
Level one:
You are walking down the street and you noticed someone taking snapshots of you. How do you feel?
Adding the intensity (Level two):
You are a 20-year-old young lady buying something in a grocery shop. When you are about to pay, you noticed the 50-year-old shop owner uncle taking your photo. How do you feel?
Level three:
Someone close to you got into an accident. His/ her photos with broken nose/ bruises and wounds were all over social media sites. How do you feel?
Level four:
You got into an accident and passed out. Of course the sight won't be pleasant. You woke up and found your pictures all over the net. How do you feel?
I bet that other than level one, I believe your anger and frustrations will only increase level by level. I don't think anyone in the sane mind would like the incidents I mentioned above to happen to them. You don't want such thing to happen to yourself; yet why do you keep on taking others' photos without permission? Have you thought about the consequences?
See - the news will at least blur the faces of victim, and if permission is not given, they will not show the interviewee's face on screen or paper, not even the name. But here you are acting the "civilian hero reporter" and feel the urge to spread the news to others. Yes - you can inform that there has been an accident - but there is no need to take the photos of the poor victims, you are only adding insult to injury! You need not be a busybody - the authorities will inform the victims' family, and they would appreciate that you didn't take those poor photos! Who would want his/her misfortune to go viral?
Puls, it is not fun making fun of others if the other person doesn't find it funny. It is sad.
Keep your camera for selfies and sceneries, and if you find something interesting you want to share, think twice if it would hurt others.
