Loss of Words -- Apologies for Lack of Updates

I spend much time to go through and reorganise my thoughts over and over again before I finally get the shit out of my head. The most frequent question I constantly ask myself is whether what I write will become one of my fatal points somewhere in the future. Would people use my words against me? Would they have twisted the meanings of my words and frame me for something unimaginable? Forgive me for being such a paranoid, but I did grow up in various constrictions upon my words and actions, so if you could relate, you'd understand. However, never did I expect understanding from anyone. It is always harder to relate to one's emotions without having to stand in his shoes. The worse thing is when people not only misunderstand you, but opt to frame you as the "bad guy".

It is of course a wise thing to accept criticism, but just because you complain and comment on others's actions, it doesn't make you a critic or look more intelligent than others. Most of the time those who comment speak harshly, without logic reasoning nor "common sense". Well if this is too polite, let's just say these people are foolish enough to bullshit around with their brainless thoughts and being loud and noisy as well. They claim themselves as "righteous" and condemn others' actions as if they represent the only justice in the world. 

Therefore I become afraid. Because it is pointless to fight with fools. But to constraint my voice because of the fools out there is unfair. Why shouldn't my voice be heard since it is more righteous that what "they" claim as righteous? If my voice deserved to be diminished because the fools are majority, then is this justice?

Hence my dilemma has resulted in me being hesitant to write anything. I was stuck in the routine of turning on my blog and write and click delete. It is of contradiction when we are advancing with technology, but our views are becoming more and more constricted. People are becoming more sensitive and fragile and defensive, and prompt to attack without reasoning.

Once my lecturer told me to write for the sake of writing, and not to be influenced by any other circumstances. Yet is it SAFE to write in the "freedom" of Malaysian context? That's something serious for us to ponder upon.

For now, let's assume I'm a coward.

Oops I'm So Random

Just Click on This and Listen!

Escaping and Denying Reality -- Victimising Oneself

~~~  a courageous person is someone who still feels fear but chooses to act anyway.

For a long time, I had kept myself in a blind spot and never realise what makes people despise me that much... until I looked back and see how much reality I have ignored. And I change, a little at a time, maybe not that much, but enough to let me live a normal life, that is. 

One thing that ponders me is the amount of haters I attract. Even my own close friends attempt to condemn my actions at times. I would willingly admit my wrongdoings if there were any, but it usually turn out to be us having different perspectives regarding certain issues. So there's never "wrong", but the one who demand one should follow the other. And the moment condemning happens, there comes the wrong action. Never would I dare to request ones' action to change, except when it is morally and legislatively wrong. When it comes to truth I am strongly rooted, and this bring me conflicts with my this very friend. 

Even now I am hesitating whether to write this down. The problem lies in attitude -- same as what I've done years before -- escaping and denying reality. One more spice she added into this mix, makes the situation more unbearable, is the act of victimising herself. I'm of course not responsible for her actions, but being an empath and a protective friend, I find it hard not to symphatise with her.  I thought that being a religious person herself, she could seek enlightenment in her own spiritual guidance. But after 3 years of knowing her, guiding her and supporting her, I see no improvement in her behaviour. It irritates me as time passes by, and makes me want to cut a clear line with her. 

This is because being with her has become more and more energy draining. She complains, but makes no conscious effort to deal with the problems. She condemns, but makes no reflection onto her own actions. Anything that she can't excel in, she makes petty excuses and blame it on others. Being with her for three years, all sorts of excuses have been given. For instance, when doing assignments, she always use the typical "Oh I am not good at this" to escape from commitments and responsibilities that everyone should bear as a group member. To make herself feel better, she would praise you for your "intelligence and talents", and repeat the same action again whenever she finds it necessary. Don't you have better problem solving than this? And then there is her own belief of "I have a sickness-susceptible body", where she constantly use to make her "I'm not feeling well" status of the day. I wouldn't know whether she is really sick or not, would I?

Even when it comes to little insignificant things in daily life that does not require the judgement of right nor wrong, she is still able to victimise herself by finding fault on others, and her range of others covers almost every existence within the universe. When you find a certain dish does not appeal to your taste buds, you can just coolly admit that you don't like it,  can't you? Instead she puts the blame on her origin, when the dish is of her own origin! It makes the situation so ridiculous that all of us friends are speechless. Now why would you blame others?  Whenever she speaks to me about her inferiority, she always blame it on the family institution she was brought up with. But not all of us living in complete happiness, do we? I do know family affects the most, but it is of one conscious effort to walk out of the trauma or whatever shadows existed. Yet all I heard from her is blaming and no dealing actions. 

It is heartbreaking -- because she makes no effort, and she ignores my advice when I tried to help. 

I believe the time will come when I give up on her; because she never attempt to save herself anyway. 

For further reading: https://lonerwolf.com/types-energy-vampire/

It Started. It Ended.

Tee was quiet when they first met. He seemed to be a person with stories behind his intent, distant gaze, and the polite curl of his lips when he introduced himself. He avoided eye contact,as if he were too shy, and Chiara thought he was cute. Their fate intertwined that spring, when flowers blossom, as well as love.

He was lonely. Among huge crowd of comrades who work for the same event, he stood out a bit too much. They worked under the same department, and had to take authority on handling the performances. Performances required rehearsals, and meetings, therefore these two individuals spent quite an amount of time with each other. There were always moments of comfortable silence between both, and instance liking gradually turned into something deeper.

She started to become curious, of him, of his underlying stories. Strangely enough, he told her all. She liked his frankness. She could show her weak spots and insecurities in front of him, and she liked it that he understood her struggles. Whenever they had meetings till late night, he would let her lean on his shoulder and rest. He would massage her stiff neck and shoulders, and lent her his jacket. Chiara thought he was nice and warm. So when he proposed, she accepted.

Their relationship had just officially entered the third week when Tee started avoiding meeting Chiara. Whenever she asked him out for lunch, or dinner, he would give excuses. He said he was busy. But Chiara saw his chat head constantly online on Facebook, and thought maybe he was not that busy after all. Nevertheless, she restrained herself from disturbing him.

The situation went on for a week, until Chiara texted him “I love you” before she went to bed. When Tee merely replied her a smiley face, she demanded him the “proper reply”. He refused, and finally asked her out for a talk. Chiara sixth sense was on blue code, but she forced herself to get dress and meet him. 

“Hey,” her voice quivered while she greeted him.

“Hmm,” he answered but avoid her gaze.

“What you wanna talk about? Tell me.” She barely contained her nervousness. Her fingers kept fiddling with her t-shirt. “What’s it? Have I done something wrong?”

“Why, I’m here to talk, not to punish you for anything. No, you have not.”

“Then why? Why the sudden ‘we need to talk’ message?” She searched his eyes for explanation, yet he was still avoiding.

“Let’s sit down and talk,” he gestured her to have a seat. It was after midnight and the café was vacant.

“Please, speak. The suspense’s killing me.” She seated herself in front of his boyfriend. He seemed distant and unfamiliar.

“The thing is…” he paused, trying to search for a proper word. “I think I should not have treated you like this. It’s not fair you know.”

“What do you mean by not fair?” She reprimanded. “Explain.”

“You know right, my ex-girlfriend…” 

She waited.

“I keep having the feeling that I should not have treated you as I have treated her. It hurts so much when…”

“Okay, I got it. You mean we shouldn’t DATE, right? That’s what you basically did with your ex.” 

Chiara started to lose patience. She knew too well that Tee was simply beating around the bush.

“No, it’s … you know, how I ended up losing her.” His eyes turned foggy when he gazed into Chiara.

“So what?” she retorted. 

“Please. If you wanna say something, just say it. Listen to your heart and say it. I don’t care how you gonna tell it. Just say it.”

“I … we …I can’t continue our relationship anymore.”

Chiara’s heart skipped a beat.

“What did you just say?” her words came out in a barely audible whisper.

“Let’s break up,” he said. 

“Say it again,” she stared at him in defiance. “Say it again,” she gritted her teeth while the words escaped from her lips with a tinge of menace.

“Let’s break up,” he dared not meet her gaze.

“Say it again,” she challenged him.

“I won’t change my decision,” say her ex-to-be.  

“All this while I listened to you, and now you are dumping me?” Chiara let out a chuckle. 

“Fine.” She got on her heels and spun around to leave.

“It’s late. Let me send you back,” the unfamiliar man offered. 

Clenching her fists, she turned and met his eyes. “I never needed company. I am fine ALONE.”

She left, without looking back.

At first, she thought he looked alone, and wanted to keep him company; and now, she was the lonely one. 

------------------------------- End -------------------------------------

No More -- A Narrative Fiction

“What did you just say?” her words came out in a barely audible whisper.

“Let’s break up,” he said.

“Say it again,” she stared at him in defiance. “Say it again,” she gritted her teeth while the words escaped from her lips with a tinge of menace.

“Let’s break up,” he dared not meet her gaze.

“Fine.” She got on her heels and spun around to leave.

“It’s late. Let me send you back,” the man offered.

Clenching her fists, she turned and met his eyes. “I never needed company. I am fine ALONE.”

She left, without looking back.

That’s her first love, ended with shattered remnants of her broken heart. Chiara had never thought the first choice she made in life, after so much contemplating, ended up as nothing. She never thought affection could be repaid by coldness and indifference. Never did she expect that this would be the end between them. No more. No more of his spiteful comments on her appearance, on how she wears, on how she should behave. No more of his late night moonlit walks around the campus, the deep conversation that only both had, and the intense gaze and electricity that flowed between them. When they first met, it was as if they have found their long-lost halves. There was an instant recognition, as if they have known each other for years. But no more. No more. She had nothing but a hollowness that surrounded her wherever she went. An overwhelming sense of loneliness among bustling crowd. She now knew that all those scenarios in Korean dramas weren’t exaggerated after all. The pain was real.

             Every corner around the campus made her think of him, every footstep she made she was thinking about meeting him. The happiness of others made her felt ridiculed, as if she did not deserve to be happy. No more. His promises rang aloud in her head: Let’s go out for a movie this weekend. There was never a movie. There was never a speck of kiss on her cheek. There was never “I love you” … She should have seen that coming. His acts of affection toward her was simply mean comments to ask her improve her physical appearance. And yet she thought he loved her. How silly.

             She had almost used to missing him: sudden visits of memories when she strolled around the campus; and had almost used to not seeing him around. She had stopped her hopes of meeting him, of having a peek or glimpse of him walking by, or hearing a news or two about him. She had used to his inexistence, with the existence of him in her memories. No more. No more.

           When he suddenly appeared in front of her, she could not respond. Her muscles tensed, and her breath hitched. She dipped her head and clung tightly onto her coat. He passed by her with his group of friends, beaming with chatter and laughter. She stood there dumbfounded, stunned, and only regained her normal composure after minutes. Never. Never did she get a chance to be among his friends, to enjoy the feeling of belonging to his family. Never. And now no more. She felt a dull ache spreading from her chest. It hurts.

            
          After that, she started seeing more and more of him.  She found out that she will meet him every Tuesday at 3 p.m. as his class would continue at the same lecture hall as hers. She would cross path with him if she departed from her hostel to the bus stop at 10.30 a.m. every Thursday. She would bump into him occasionally: when having dinner with friends at the restaurant, when she was on her way to the library, when she was doing her groceries.

           
        Then she was used to his existence as a stranger, and the existence of the constant shatter of something within her every time he appeared. She was used to the sudden deprivation of air out of her lungs, and the sudden blindness of her eyes by his laughter. No more. No more.

            
         There was no more between them; the only thing that’s left was the pang of agony, accompanied by insomnia, nightmares and lack of breath.

In her diary, on a page full of scribbles, she scratched something on a tiny space among the words. No more.

------------------------------ End ---------------------------------------

Relationship Management ... Again

There were quite a few times that I took down what I had posted on my blog. I still remember what I had written, but I no longer want to remember them, nor to bring them back as topic of conversation. But what happens recently is tiring me out. And no matter how much I probe into the matter, trying to seek a solution to it, it does not help.  

Being around people is all about relationship. This is also probably a post that I would take it down suddenly. The matter, concerns my friends. These two have been on a cold war since last Thursday. I tried to make them reconcile, but the problem is, there is no one willing to be the one who apologise first. Is pride that expensive until you can't bring yourself to say sorry in front of your friend? The matter is very small and the reasons both parties have given are childish. Can't you two just  settle it between you and not drag all of us into it?

See why I'd probably take this down? I bet my friends are reading this. Worse still there are haters reading this, wishing that my friends would never reconcile and our relationship would become from worse to worst. It's too mind bugging, to be constantly at each others' presence but to act hostile towards each other. I want to act like there's nothing wrong, but I am better to know that ignorance makes illness worse.

Now, what should I do? Can't you girls forgive each other already? 

Because when it comes to one point that one of us give up the friendship, there won't be a valid relationship anymore. Do you want that to happen? Please, it doesn't matter who is the right one. It matters who is the keeper of the relationship. 

It's your friendship. Keep it.

1st Penang Bridge Marathon in Life

Finisher of 10km Penang Bridge Marathon
27/11/2016

Oh, how I despise running! 

Being dragged into this by my friends, I didn't have a tiny bit of regret. I am surprised by myself that I managed to finish the route. 

Yup, you won't know your limits until you challenge it. 

Suddenly I have this crazy thought that I should participate in the full marathon next year. Am I being too optimistic and overly-confident? 

Now, shall I add a few specks of side story here?

I met the people that I don't want to meet along the route, and ahem... it's not pleasant but somehow I could still bear with it. But imagine you meeting the worse person you could meet in your life whom you have already throw away and try to get over with it. Funny, as if it were a curse. As if he was trying to realise the promise he'd made before that. What does the universe imply by showing him to me here and there? The chances of meeting him is even higher than those times when we were in good terms. 

Then I met these ladies who ignored me despite us being colleagues for an event. Is it because I wrote harsh truths in my post-mortem report? Is it why they hate me so much that they can't bring themselves to say a simple "hi" to me? Fine. If that's so, let's forget we knew each other.

It's sad to accept that people who used to know each other can turn into strangers anytime. What make them don't want to recognise each other? Hate? Shame? Pride?  Or sentimental issues? 

Whatever it is, they have signed the contract of being strangers in my life, and I will treat them so.

There's nothing to lose anyway. Save me energy for greeting as well. 

Far, Far Away

One day, if you did not see me anywhere

I must have gone, far, far away

One day, if you neither see me here nor there

I must have gone, far, far away

Far from the pain

Far from the agony

Far from the hustle and bustle of city

Far from the constant need of money

Far from the nagging feel of responsibility

Far from household chores

Far from traffic jams

Far from thinking whether mustard or cheese should go with ham

Far from bossy bosses

Far from complicated affairs

Far from deadlines driving me mad

But I’ll be also

Far, far away

From the people I love

From the moments I cherish

From the cool breeze to the raindrops beating

From the inviting sunrise to the breath-taking dusk

From the green hills and mountains to the deep blue sea

From the place called home    that you’ve made for me

One fine day, if you did not see me

I must have gone somewhere

Far, far away

**inspired by AGUSTD- So Far Away

Drowned

I stayed adrift   

 But they thought I was still moving

(forward, forward they say)

I stayed awake

So they thought I was okay

(But I haven’t slept for days)

I waved at them,

And they waved me back

With smiles on their faces

(What good manners they have, they should’ve saved me instead)

I opened my mouth but only muffled words came out

The cold waters gushed and choked

Deep down my throat

(So I keep my lips shut, that’s the only thing could be done)

I wondered why they can’t see me

Submerged in water, deep blue sea

(Help, help, I can’t breathe)

The salty liquid’s invading

My lungs, my limbs, my intestines

(A bloated body, that’s me)

Ah, finally.

Ada’s War Cries

My Mam is one Wicked Witch,
Oh, how I wish she could switch!
Deep down in her cold-hearted soul, with stories untold,
She hates me skin-deep, especially my skyward toes!
She smacked and yanked and banged me against the wall,
With no mercy, not even when her child falls.
Go to hell you devil! That’s what her eyes flickered;
To make things worse, oh how she snickered!
She never let me walk, she never let me out:
Not with that ugly foot! She yelled,
So I crawled and crawled, confined in that one-room prison,
With a small window as my only freedom.
I don’t really care about space and all,
I want Jamie with me, that’s all!
But how could a little boy spend whole day indoors,
With friends and adventure awaiting him on the moor?
(He deserved to go out, he’s not like me)
So one fine day I tied him up nice and tight,
I wanted him to stay with me, all right!
Everything went wrong as he woke up helpless;
All teary and weary, he cried with his earnest!
You became like Mam! You became a monster!
I realised it too late; I’ve hurt my brother!
(I’m sorry I’m wrong I shouldn’t have hurt you;
It’s not your fault at all, go out and play, won’t you?)
That very night I waged a war with my foot:
I must learn to walk! Whatever the ordeal!
I'd shed more blood than I have shed my tears,
I’ll fight till the end; for I’m born a warrior!

*inspired and based on "The War that Saved My Life" by Kimberly Brubaker Bradley. 

Respect

Been sleep deprived for one whole week and did not have time to recover from it. It hit its highest peak last night, with my mind frozen and my emotion unstable when the event was running. The situation could be saved, if it was not for the ill-management of the committee. Maybe I should not be in an organisation which did not understand the meaning of respect. 

I have been in one during my first year in uni, and I have posted an account of it. Of course I deleted the post due to pressure, and yup I think I made quite the amount of haters out there. Now I find myself in the same boat again, only to realise too late that it is also under the influence of the same particular organisation that I have mentioned formerly. They possess the same hard-rock head and despise criticism.

To say that I participate in events because of the mere marks are simply humiliating. Why couldn't I choose the easy way to gain marks?  I have never thought there existed human beings which disregard others professionalism. Then why did you ask for help and recruit us in the first place?

To look down upon us did not make things go better. If it was not for friendship, I would quit months ago, before it became such a nuisance. Lots of people love to give their orders directly to me, while I have only ONE superior to refer to. Those who claimed them as the "superiors" did not even tell me their identities before "consulting" or "demanding" requests from me. I would say that if it was not for protecting my friends, my temper would straight away high-five in their precious faces. 

The vices lie too deep within the society that I am in no position to correct it nor to improve it. They are stuck and fooled by their so-called "tradition", and there is no one bold and powerful enough to turn it over. For now, let's say that I have safely collected my remaining bits and succeeded escaping the war. Let's hope that next time I'll be lucky and manage to get myself in a society which know how to respect. That way I might preserve the lifetime of my liver.


Let's see how many haters I'd create by posting this. Peace.

Confession to the Blur-but-not-really Genius -- Bi Shan Lim

*Since I started it, let's make it a series... hohoho

I have known Bi Shan for 3 years now. Being an active participant of extra-curricular activities, I find her personalities appealing. Firstly, she is capable of working with any individuals without much effort. She has a good rapport with most of them. She was constantly showered by greetings from others, even we are just on our way to class. Her range of social network is broad, thanks to her active participation in everything she chooses.

              

Although she is busy with her schedule, she has good time management. She never neglects her studies in any sense, her works are well done. Sometimes I wonder how she manages to cope with such little amount of time, but after I observe her working and studying style, I am impressed. She can squeeze out little time between intervals that most of us would just spend it to idle away, she uses it to do her errands. Put it in a way, she uses her time to its fullest. Nevertheless, she also leaves some time for leisure activities. Occasionally, we spend time watching movie, shopping, or having a good meal together.

               

Another trait that I admire her is her ability to stand in front of audience. She is not the attention seeker, or born performer, yet she can gather courage and bring herself in front of a huge crowd if it is necessary. For example, she dares to present in front of the lecture hall of 300 students to help promote an event about AISEC. I find myself reluctant if I were to put in the same situation as hers. Certainly, this is something which I can learn from her.

               

 Furthermore, she is also a person with her own views and stands, and she sticks strictly to them. She is never easily shaken by others, and determine to go with her own principles in life. Her value judgement never quavers no matter how huge the temptation is. She is a strong believer of God and believes that the good must be preserved. Sometimes she acts as my spiritual guidance when I am lost. I am very thankful to her for supporting me in times of despair. She is caring and supportive. I feel very glad to have someone so sincere, yet standing firmly to support me and guide me. She is a friend who I would never want to lose.

All in all, Bi Shan has such out-standing personalities that I believe she would shine bright in her future, no matter what profession she is in. Her supportive character certainly makes her a good teacher, as adolescents will always need guidance and support in their youth. She is the light house for the ones lost amidst deep blue sea. Won’t you befriend such a person?