Maybe, Maybe Not

These days I have reverted back to the traditional style of writing diary on paper, so I bet I won't be coming here that frequent as I used to be. A lot had happened the past few months. It cannot be said that there wasn't any happy moment, but overall I can't see the kind of happiness that I hope for. I am trying to save my crumbling world while others are trying to destroy it. I want to blame myself for being not selfish enough to care for myself and only myself. Sometimes I am really envious of those selfish jerks cause they seem to be happier than me. 

Once a teacher told me that with my kind of personality, it will be hard for me to mingle in this world. I totally admit it, but what's the point of telling me that? Are you telling me to change, and become like everyone else? Or are you telling me to be myself, and no matter what happens, continue to be? I can't figure it out. My mind is always full of useless thoughts and it makes me want to hate myself. And when I try to find someone to share, they regard me as a person full of negativity. People always criticise, but they do not tell me what I SHOULD do. Or should I just forget who am I and try to live like everyone else? 

I know, even when I speak myself at this platform, there still exists many of you who snicker after reading what I have said. I am not asking anyone else to help, nor to understand me; I am just saying what I wanted to say, and trying to find comfort within myself. And if that is not permittable, then please excuse me. Maybe I should disappear than being an eyesore. 

So with this much negativity within me, I am thinking that maybe I should quit blogging. Or maybe not. 

I am still thinking. 

  

Please support!

Hey peeps!

This story of mine is a simple yet true event on a child who suffers from autism.
If you would like more people to be aware of autism and be more considerate towards them, give me some support!

Please click into the link, read my story, and vote! I would appreciate if you leave your comments for me! If you liked the story, share it to your friends as well😇

Thanks and bless you!
#AutismAwareness

https://notionpress.com/story/read/499/the-child-who-came-from-the-stars

Ahoy Misfortunes!

Yay, it’s the falling-sick season… I don’t know if it’s a curse or something, I always fall sick when it comes to semester break. I’ve been through hell when I am busy studying, and now I am at another different level of hell which torments my physical condition and challenges my emotional intelligence. Hey, just give me a break. 

Last semester break I suffered from a flu that lasted for almost three months, and now here comes more good news: I have to go to school to provide “free labour” because of our dear USM policy, and I suffer from gastritis. All these actions of burning time and burning stomach ain’t helping my burning purse at all! Well I haven’t started my slavery period yet, but I can already imagine how much worse my temper will become. 

(note to myself: Deep breath… I must refrain from using negative words…) 

Last week I went back to Jit Sin (my former From Six School) to settle the ROKS (Rancangan Orientasi Kendiri Sekolah) thingy, and it just turned out GREAT. MY friend and I went to see the principal at 10am, and he insisted of sending us to the afternoon session when we requested for morning one, so okay, we were asked to come back at 1pm to meet the PK Petang, and so we waited. When we arrived at the principal’s office at 1pm, he was nowhere to be seen. And so we waited until 2.30pm, an office staff just came back from lunch and helped us to contact the principal, and he said he’ll come back in half an hour, and so we waited for him until 3pm. Then finally the thing was settled. Phew. But dear principal, how could you ask us to see you at 1pm and you appeared only 2 hours later without leaving a note? Is it time is precious to you but not to us? From 10am to 3pm, we wasted about 5 hours literally doing nothing. What a great school, great... (stuffed my mouth with food to prevent babbling)

And so, since the principal already signed the documents I can’t change to other schools so I think I’ll just stick with my destiny, which will begin this Thursday (lucky number 13!). My mentor turned out to be a nice person, well, based on first impression, so I hope I will really learn something from her so that I can forgive whatever misfortune that has befallen on me. Yup. Looking on the brighter side, most of my mentor classes are Form 1, which means I get a chance to observe and learn how a KSSR classroom is, and that means valuable new experience. For now, let me just keep positive thoughts in mind. 

The goddamn stomach! I think it’s my own doing of pouring coffee into my empty stomach every morning that results in my suffering. GREAT. Now not only I have to quit coffee, there’s a whole lot of food that I cannot put into my tummy. I can’t fall asleep at nights because of the stomach, and I sleep a lot during the day because of the medication I take. I am hungry but my stomach puts on the no-entry sign. It’s torturing! What can I say is that I totally deserve it. 

I hope my tummy will stop acting up when I go to school. I planned to find some part-time job to fill in the morning as the ROKS thingy isn’t promising me any income, and you know how poor uni students have to work in order to survive, yeah? But because of me falling sick I have wasted my time on sleeping and didn’t manage to secure any job yet. (sigh…) And of course because I am not the hard-working type, so I have a hard time persuading myself to get the lazy ass up and search for a job. 

So, let me conclude, in the end I deserve EVERY misfortune that has befallen on me. Good job. 

写作

一直以来写作都是很突发性的事情，灵感来了不敲门直驱而入，我随手便抓了支笔在纸张任何一处空白上开始洋洋洒洒。灵感这东西有时如电光火石，刹那即逝，回头已不见芳踪；有时却如缠绵情愫，绵绵不绝，回甘入心间；这便是我纪念生活点滴的方式。 随着岁月，我书写的文字以填补扉页上空白的方式，在我无意间翻阅书本时，一一跳跃出来 。Write for own pleasure 是我一贯固执的坚持，然而如今我才发觉，是我低估了自己笔下文字的值。They deserve their credits, they deserve their very own screen time, no matter how short it is. 在我人生的戏剧里，他们不应该被禁锢，不应该被限制成我自己的娱乐品。 是我太自私了，让他们无法有出彩的那一刻。是我让世俗红尘为他们披上层层沉沉的灰，让他们疲惫得喘不过气来，随即等待他们的是没落，穷途。 

看着弟弟这位傲慢, 且平日目中无人的中学生对文字的执着与尊敬,让我深感羞愧。 我的弟弟每当写作时都有一套对待他所谓的写作用品的方式 。他把每一样文具都视为神一般的存在，将它们一一摆放在default的位置: 摊开白纸摆在正中央，泡上一杯白咖啡，开始提笔写作。若没有这套“仪式”，他便觉得不安 ，无法将灵感发挥得极致。他的心中一直有着一位写作之神，心有可畏。 我一直不明白为何弟弟每当写作时便如武侠小说里头的大侠般闭门修炼，足不出户也不进食，后来才发现原来写作这回事，并不能轻怠，必须至高的尊敬来信奉写作之神，才能望有朝一日被眷顾。这，是他的theory, 是belief, 也是principle.

是时候检讨自己对写作的态度了。或许没错，写作是一门信仰，只有最虔诚的信徒才能抵达救赎的另一端彼岸。 而我终日漂浮，在写作这路途上不见天日，本就是我应受的惩罚。

Reminisce

Sleepless night.

It's been a long time since graduation that we have a long, engaging conversation, nearly 5 hours. The details of the conversation is still ringing by my ears, so clear, so defeaning and annoyingly sweet ~ it makes me reluctant to fall asleep. 

It's very surprising- that the only friends that I am currrently keeping in touch with are the ones I have known for the shortest period of time. I did not keep in touch with my primary schoolmates, bad memories they gave me (that's a very long story); I only have 1 to 2 close friends during my secondary school days, and although I don't want to admit it, I feel like we are slowly drifting apart. The current Form 6 gang is the ONLY people who will gather together during holiday breaks. Never in my life (which is full of difficult friendships) that I would I would imagine me having the opportunity to hang out with a large group of people, yet did not feel that I am being alienated. This is the first time- and sincerely hope it will continue till we grow old.

I never thought that I am seriously enjoying the conversation: I am glad that I made the effort to get out of my lazy zone and get out of my house to meet them. The recent updates of my friends on how they are doing, and a few sprinkles of school-time memories make me feel young again. I am glad that I made the decision to study my Form 6 in Jit Sin, although I still didn't quite like the school environment. Overall, I am nothing but glad.

I have this sudden feeling of nostalgia- I am missing those days when we were in Form 6. I regretted not showing more of my true self to my friends; and suddenly realised that one and a half year is simply too short. Yet, we are still able to tune into conversation harmoniously after all these years, and a sudden wave of emotions hit me. I don't know what it is: maybe because I am touched. 

And suddenly I am afraid of losing them. 

Millennial Love @nigahiga

What a modern day love song would sound like in the language of Millennials...

@Spotify: http://spoti.fi/2s5J4xA

@iTunes: http://bit.ly/MillennialLove

Why, this turned out to be a nice song!

#ML

G-DRAGON - '무제(無題) (Untitled, 2014)'

G-DRAGON - '무제(無題) (Untitled, 2014)' 

Two of my favourite artists dropped songs on the same day! How blessed my soul is <3 

English Translation; 

I know that it's difficult and hard

To come back to me

I know that you're scared

Of getting hurt again

Even on the day you left

I made you cry with my cruel words

I turned my back on you and I regret it, I'm sorry

Please just once

If I can just see you

I'm okay with losing everything I have

I'll meet you, even if it's in a dream

And we can love again

Just as we are

It might be easier to just die

Than to earn your forgiveness

I sing this song, but I don't know

If my truthfulness will get through to you

"I want you to be happy"

I couldn't even tell that simple lie

I just pray that you'll come back, I'm sorry

Please just once

If I can just see you

I'm okay with losing everything I have

I'll meet you, even if it's in a dream

And we can love again

Just as we are

You think it's over, that it's our last time

But I can't accept those thoughts

I can't let go cuz' you never know

My love for you, your love for me

We'll never find a love the same again

Nobody knows

We always know

Please just once

If I can just see you

I'm okay with losing everything I have

I'll meet you, even if it's in a dream

And we can love again

As we are

Right now, this moment is passing

If you can forget everything

Our memories, the times we were happy

No, I'll meet you again in the next life

We'll love each other once again

Just as we did before 

4 o'clock by RM & V (BTS)

Such a beautiful song.

네시 (4 O'CLOCK) (2017)

Produced by RM, V

Arranged by SHAUN

Recording Engineer:
RM @ Mon Studio
Slow Rabbit @ Carrot Express

Mix Engineer:
고현정 @ Koko Sound Studio (Assisted by 김경환)

English Translation: 

One day,

I wrote a long, long letter to the moon

It would not be brighter than you 

But I lighted a small candle

At a dusky park

A nameless bird that sings 

Where are you 

Oh you

Why are you crying

You and I are the only ones here

Me and you

Oh you

Following into the deep night

The sound of you singing

Brings the red morning

A step, and another step

The dawn passes

And when that moon falls asleep

The blue shade that stayed with me disappears

Even today, I live moderately

I walk in pace, moderately wearing down 

The sun suffocates me

And the world strips me naked

I can't help it, there's no other way

I collect myself that's shattered beneath the moonlight

I call you moonchild

We are the children of the moon

I breathe the cold night air

Yes we're livin and dyin

at the same time

But you can open your eyes for now

Just like that any movie, like the line (from the movie)

The entire world is blue inside the moonlight

At a dusky park

A nameless bird that sings 

Where are you 

Oh you

Why are you crying

You and I are the only ones here

Me and you

Oh you

Following into the deep night

The sound of you singing

Brings the red morning

A step, and another step

The dawn passes

And when that moon falls asleep

The blue shade that stayed with me disappears

Following into the deep night

The sound of you singing

Brings the red morning

A step, and another step

The dawn passes

And when that moon falls asleep

The blue shade that stayed with me

Respect My Privacy: No Photos Please!

With everyone owning smartphones nowadays it is impossible for one not to take photos of everything whenever they feel like it. They feel the need of using the power of the camera in their phones to tell the whole world about literally anything, but they have forgotten the danger of showing everything: how it may harm someone that you don't even know; and how you may summon harm towards yourselves. 

I totally agree that taking photos means creating memories - but does the one that the photo is being taken want to be that part of the memory? See - if the agreement is not mutual, it is not the right thing to do. Okay, let me put it in simpler ways:

Level one:

You are walking down the street and you noticed someone taking snapshots of you. How do you feel?

Adding the intensity (Level two):

You are a 20-year-old young lady buying something in a grocery shop. When you are about to pay, you noticed the 50-year-old shop owner uncle taking your photo. How do you feel?

Level three: 

Someone close to you got into an accident. His/ her photos with broken nose/ bruises and wounds were all over social media sites. How do you feel?

Level four: 

You got into an accident and passed out. Of course the sight won't be pleasant. You woke up and found your pictures all over the net. How do you feel?

I bet that other than level one, I believe your anger and frustrations will only increase level by level. I don't think anyone in the sane mind would like the incidents I mentioned above to happen to them. You don't want such thing to happen to yourself; yet why do you keep on taking others' photos without permission? Have you thought about the consequences? 

See - the news will at least blur the faces of victim, and if permission is not given, they will not show the interviewee's face on screen or paper, not even the name. But here you are acting the "civilian hero reporter" and feel the urge to spread the news to others. Yes - you can inform that there has been an accident - but there is no need to take the photos of the poor victims, you are only adding insult to injury! You need not be a busybody - the authorities will inform the victims' family, and they would appreciate that you didn't take those poor photos! Who would want his/her misfortune to go viral?

Puls, it is not fun making fun of others if the other person doesn't find it funny. It is sad.

Keep your camera for selfies and sceneries, and if you find something interesting you want to share, think twice if it would hurt others. 

Manipulative.

These days I just could not find time to organise my thoughts. It's now one week till the end of semester and I still have 5 projects to deal with. No, I'm not here to complain about the work load. I'm here to complain about my group member(s).

From first year till now, I am the leader in almost every assignment or group work. Even if I am not the "official" leader, I am the one taking the initiative to work it out. I am lucky to have a partner in crime - she can understand what I mean and produce the work with quality. She is a good one, but still, she is a follower. The other two members - one with a sudden bursts of indifference, and sometimes will find fault in my ideas (she is still bearable because her work is okay); one lacking in professionalism and quality of her work, plus the tendency to go wayyyy past deadline that I have set. It's tiring like hell - to have these people dragging me when I have 6 subjects to take this semester, not to mention individual assignments as well. I asked for ideas but it usually end up with me suggesting, and end up me structuring, me conducting, me dividing the jobs, me checking, me proofreading, me printing, not to mention that the others only have to do their assigned parts while I have to do my assigned part (which usually carries the most weightage) and the "leader" job that I must do.

Picture this:

I am in the midst of doing another assignment when one of my members ask:"Hey have you divide the parts that we have to do for this course?" Or "Hey have you checked the part I submitted? Anything to correct?" 

Hey dear sister, I have things to do and why should I be the one dividing parts? Can't you tell me which part you want to do, or you are confident in doing?  I need time to work on my part as well, and here you come asking me if I have checked your part or not? Have you ever consider that I have to split my time up to check four parts of assignment and you only have to do one? Can't you be more sensible and offer help?  Or at least give me some space and shut the fuck up? I ain't need any one to order me around if I am the leader!

And when I ask you to do corrections, DON'T GIVE ME THAT BITCH FACE! If you are not concerned about the marks that you will receive, or the quality of the work that you are submitting in, I DO! And don't go around giving me excuses or praising me that I SHOULD DO MORE JOB BECAUSE I AM COMPETENT AND SMART AND SOOOOOOO RELIABLE AND YOU ARE NOT! GODDAMN HELL YOU ALSO GOT DEAN LIST AWARD AND YOU RESULTS ARE NOT THAT WORSE THAN ME! 

And when I set the deadline at 10 pm means 10 pm! WHY IS THERE NEVER A TIME THAT YOU ARE PUNCTUAL?! Don't tell me that you are sorry! I have had enough! 

I don't understand how can a person not improve a single bit for the three years I have known her. I simply cannot. Every time I see the face I feel like making her vanish into thin air, or gnawing my own eyes out so that I won't be reminded of her existence. Why should I be the one tolerating with her toxic behaviours? I ain't no saint because when I try to tell her to change, she wouldn't listen. I ain't no friend because I did not feel appreciated. What kind of a friend am I to her, if she dares to use her toxic tactics on me? It's better if she is not in my group. At least I wouldn't have extra emotional burden to top up my piling assignments and projects. 

Please make my live easier, can't you? 

Struggling with Life

This phase of life turned out to be hectic and overwhelming. Week after week there are "death threats" to confront and when you thought you could finally take a rest, there are more to come. My life is constantly on the verge of deadline, and strangely enough, I have no willpower to stay alive. Someone once told me I'm born a kickin' badass, but I don't think I live up to that name. I am merely a self-pitying vain coward who complains whenever life gets tough. I become more and more afraid to handle what life gives me. And I even stop what I love doing. I force myself to get out of my room and meet the world, to get a break of the daily routine, to understand others more and to let go of my expectations on them, to adapt a different view and to be happier, but it doesn't seem to work in either way. I used to love singing a lot; now I just don't feel like singing. I deleted all the games I used to like to play. I feel more at ease among strangers than being around with my friends. And it takes me such a long time to get myself settle down and write this down. I don't feel like telling anyone, and I don't feel like doing anything. Most of the time my mind just wanders off. I don't even feel like talking to my parents. I don't even feel like hating the ones I used to hate. Every morning I woke up feeling not ready for the day ahead. Most of the time I doubted that I am feeling what I am supposed to feel. If you searched the net, you get the word "depressed". But I don't even know why I am like this. I don't even know am I supposed to ask for help, or am I supposed to let myself slowly rot inside. These days I laughed so much that I hardly cried. I doubted if my tear glands were blocked or that I forgot how to feel my own feelings. Let's see if life's getting any better, shall we?

That's it. 

Loss of Words -- Apologies for Lack of Updates

I spend much time to go through and reorganise my thoughts over and over again before I finally get the shit out of my head. The most frequent question I constantly ask myself is whether what I write will become one of my fatal points somewhere in the future. Would people use my words against me? Would they have twisted the meanings of my words and frame me for something unimaginable? Forgive me for being such a paranoid, but I did grow up in various constrictions upon my words and actions, so if you could relate, you'd understand. However, never did I expect understanding from anyone. It is always harder to relate to one's emotions without having to stand in his shoes. The worse thing is when people not only misunderstand you, but opt to frame you as the "bad guy".

It is of course a wise thing to accept criticism, but just because you complain and comment on others's actions, it doesn't make you a critic or look more intelligent than others. Most of the time those who comment speak harshly, without logic reasoning nor "common sense". Well if this is too polite, let's just say these people are foolish enough to bullshit around with their brainless thoughts and being loud and noisy as well. They claim themselves as "righteous" and condemn others' actions as if they represent the only justice in the world. 

Therefore I become afraid. Because it is pointless to fight with fools. But to constraint my voice because of the fools out there is unfair. Why shouldn't my voice be heard since it is more righteous that what "they" claim as righteous? If my voice deserved to be diminished because the fools are majority, then is this justice?

Hence my dilemma has resulted in me being hesitant to write anything. I was stuck in the routine of turning on my blog and write and click delete. It is of contradiction when we are advancing with technology, but our views are becoming more and more constricted. People are becoming more sensitive and fragile and defensive, and prompt to attack without reasoning.

Once my lecturer told me to write for the sake of writing, and not to be influenced by any other circumstances. Yet is it SAFE to write in the "freedom" of Malaysian context? That's something serious for us to ponder upon.

For now, let's assume I'm a coward.

Oops I'm So Random

Just Click on This and Listen!