Why have I chosen this path

Because I don't want to die.

As easy as that. 

I have been suicidal. Once, when I was sixteen. 

And recently it has come back to haunt me, in a more threatening, more menacing way that I could ever imagine. 

At the age of 26, never in my life I have ever thought I would kill myself. Let me rephrase that. Never in my life I have ever thought that these suicidal thoughts would come back and visit me. 

Yet they came, like old friends, chanting whispers of death into my ears, blowing wisps of cold air into my soul. I am not happy and neither am I sad. I am not here nor there. All I have is a huge black hole, a vacuum that sucks everything into emptiness. 

All this while I experience emotional numbness - all my emotions are fake. They looked real thanks to the actress in me. As much as I seek true connection with the outside world, I never feel "belonged". As much as I wish to grab hold of "something",all I find is "nothing". 

As much as I feel that I am slowly dying inside, I don't want my death to pain the people I love. 

Have you watched the movie "Joker"? What do you think about him? What have he done wrong? All he wanted was to be happy. But never did he feel happy. Is it because he deserved it?  

Ever since I "officially" got rid off the suicidal 16-year-old me, I felt so proud of myself for surviving and winning the war. Little did I know, I never look into the core of the matter and solve it. All I did was completely burying it somewhere and forgot about it. After 10 years, this demon that I have buried, has grown into a huge tree, threatening my existence. 

The reason I embark on this journey is pure simple. I don't want to hurt the people I love. Plus, there is much more good and beauty in this world that I have yet to explore. As much as I hate being alive, because of all the pain I have to go through, I know that the only way to enjoy the wonders life has to give, is to stay alive. 

Breathe. 

And stay alive. 

And find ways to stay alive. 

Peace yo~ 

if you are struggling as I am, visit this site to see if it can help : https://lonerwolf.com/start-here/