Tarot Reading Part 1

This is going to be huge. 

I never want to speak about my past...As the saying goes, never wash your dirty laundry in the public... but I guess I wouldn't care no more. 

This is my account of reaching out for help through a Tarot reading request to Biddy Tarot. They don't always provide free readings, you shall try your luck. The reading is conducted through email. 

So. 

Continue reading and you will understand why this is huge.  And please bear with my grammar. 

The question I asked: 

I want to know how am I able to get myself of unhealthy manipulative habits, especially when I am in a relationship. I find myself constantly stalking the other person (not even my partner yet) online, and start to gather this expectation in me that he should notice and tend to me whenever he sees me going online. And if he does not reply my messages instantly, I find myself starting to get angry and later, darker thoughts would accumulate. I would start doubting and thinking that he might have other girls to chat with or is doing something else behind my back. Then when I could not contain all these negative thoughts, I lost my temper and ended up hurting his feelings and our relationship. I know what I am doing is wrong but I feel like I keep getting stuck in the cycle. What should I do and how could I get myself out of this viscous cycle?

The Tarot Reader, Rikki (not real name) : 

Hi Lyndsey,  Many thanks for reaching out and sharing so openly about what you are going through presently. It will be very helpful if you can share some more information with me so as to get the most valuable guidance from the Tarot. Here are a few questions you could answer and also let me know whatever else you think is important for me to know so that I can offer you the most helpful guidance.

1.  Are there any experiences from your childhood that are important for me (and also you)  to know to understand the reasons of your current thought and behaviour patterns ?

2. Have you had any past relationships and what has been your experience with them ?

3. How would you rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the highest) in terms of how much you love and honour yourself ?

4. Have you taken any steps in the past to overcome these thought and behaviour patterns/repetitive cycles ?

My replies: 

Thanks for your prompt reply!

Since I have decided not to escape anymore, I will be frank. Please bear with my length story.

1. Are there any experiences from your childhood that are important for me (and also you)  to know to understand the reasons of your current thought and behaviour patterns ?

I was born into a strict Asian family. Both my parents have high expectations on me. They never seemed to be satisfied with my achievements. My Dad, though loving and liked to play with me when I was am infant, started growing distant when I grew up. My Mum is the one I am closer with. My Mum was very strict and demanded obedience and perfection from me. Unfortunately, although I was born bright, apparently I was still not good enough for her. I was also quite a naughty, cheeky, loud and chatty girl. When I did something wrong, my Mum would hit me with a cane and shut me in the toilet. She would also ask me to stop crying and I was not supposed to cry. Worse still, if my Dad caught my wrongdoings, he would hit and spank me with whatever he could reach. I always ended up locking myself in the toilet until my crying subsided and I came out to ask for forgiveness. This situation continues till I went into middle school. My brother was born when I was six. After he grew up, whenever we had a fight, my mum would ask me to let my brother to have his own way as he was younger, and that I should act more matured. I also remembered working hard to get compliments, but all my parents could see were the mistakes I had done. Occasionally I was rewarded with extra pocket money or gifts, but I think deep down, I want their love more than anything else.

In school, I was being bullied by my classmates together with my class teacher. My class teacher disliked me because I was too blunt and too daring to correct the mistakes she did during lessons. But till now, I do not know the reasons why my classmates would not mix with me. I asked some of my classmates who were in the same middle school with me after we graduated from primary school. They told me that they were just following what others were doing.

Hence during my teenage years, I was quite a rebel, the spiteful and blunt one. I would not give a damn to teachers who I deemed not worth my respect. I did not even bother to make friends, but friends came to me naturally, and I was lucky to have a few close ones to confide in. Yet, I rarely talked about my family issues with my friends. They see me as strong, though and daring, as I always challenge my teachers. However, I was clever to not to infuriate my teachers that they told my parents. My parents knew nothing about my naughty acts in school. I kept on bringing back good academic results to show them that is. However, they would not let me to hang out with my friends. They demanded that I put my full attention on my academics. It was only until I was 17, I had my first experience to the cinema. When I was 16, it was the darkest period of my life as I kept on having suicidal thoughts. My brother found my diary, with the page that I wrote that I secretly admired someone, and showed it to my parents. I got grounded and my phone was confiscated after that. No matter how I pleaded or explained, they turned a cold shoulder to me and they wouldn’t listen or reason with me. I thought of running away from home but I had nowhere to go, and was too proud to ask others for help. Hence I thought of dying. But I was too afraid of being in pain, and too proud to let the world know that I was suffering. So everyday I acted as if there was nothing wrong with me, but every night I struggled with my own dark thoughts and nightmares.

Things turned for the better when I went to high school. My classmates were very friendly and I found myself shedding down my indifferent mask and turned into the more chatty type. And when I went into university, I stayed quite a distance from home and finally got my own freedom to hang out with my friends. I started to enjoy making friends with people, and started putting own makeup and buying new clothes to pamper myself. Before that, I was very frugal due to my family teachings.

And now that I start working, as the eldest in my family, I carry the burden to support my family finance as my mum could not work due to she has to take care of my second autistic brother who was born in 2003. Sometimes, in my darker self, I think that my parents see my as a tool, rather than a person, because as long as I wire money to them, then I am a good daughter.

I believe that it is my thirst for love that leads me to all these negative behaviours.

2. Have you had any past relationships and what has been your experience with them?

 My past relationships have been short-lived. I had never been into any relationships till I reached my Uni years. It always end up with me being overly possessive and wants to control my partner’s whereabouts. I am also the needy one who needs constant attention and affection from my partner. I demand instant reply and absolute honesty. My first boyfriend broke up with me, saying that he could not love me that much. On the other hand, he said that he could not forget his ex-girlfriend. I felt betrayed and hurt. Our relationship only lasted three weeks.

The second boyfriend I had, was a Taiwanese and I am a Malaysian. I never get to see him in real person. He did love me during the first three months, but after that I started become demanding and he started avoiding me. When I requested to see him in person, he started avoiding me even more, saying that he was busy with his job. That was the time I started stalking all his social media to look for his signs of betrayal. I caught him opening up a new account to log into the singing app that we both played. He did explain to me and I forgave him. After quite some time, he started making up stories that his mother was ill and he would not be contacting me for some time. And one day he popped up a message saying that we should both break up. I confronted him so many times for a reason but he gave me none. For a few months, I was frustrated and filled with hatred. I could not even fly to Taiwan and see him as he never did give me his address.

After breaking up with him, I have never been into any serious relationship till now. The guys whom I met, I felt that I did not truly like them. I just want the admiration and the affection they offered. And when I demand for more, they left on their own.

Till recently I met this guy whom I absolutely do not want to lose. Yet I am in a complete loss of how to act. I am so used to forcing my love on others that I do not know how to love others the way they want. Therefore I seek help. I think it’s about time I stop.

3. How would you rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the highest) in terms of how much you love and honour yourself ?

I still tend to blame and hate myself a lot, especially when things and relationships aren’t going in the way that I want. I would only rate a 3 out of 10.

I find myself binge eating and buying things impulsively. I also tend to shut my inner voice and be a people pleaser in my workplace.I also find myself clinging onto unhealthy relationships that would not bring benefit to me, just to avoid the emptiness in me.

4. Have you taken any steps in the past to overcome these thought and behaviour patterns/repetitive cycles ?

After breaking up with my first boyfriend, I did make some attempts to treat myself better, to read some self-help and psychological books. I also tried to trust others more and confided in my close friends. I have this tight-knit group of friends and they helped me to go through the first breakup.

However, during the second break-up, I was alone. It was impossible for me to confide in my parents. By that time we have graduated from university and separated all over the country. So rather than healing , or find someone to listen me out, I turned to other guys who were available to avoid facing the reality

It is only this year that I gather my courage to clear and cut off ties with those unhealthy relationships. I listen to TED talks, buy myself a couple of self-help books and try to reason the harmful ways I have been treating myself. And then I bumped into videos on tarot reading on Youtube. The readings caught me in tears as it had pointed out all my past traumas. Then I bought myself a tarot deck and attempt to seek ways to heal myself. I am not very sure where I am heading to, but I want to be better. I signed up for the Biddy 5 Day Tarot Reading Make Over Challenge, and this was when I bumped into a post that offers free Tarot reading.

And this is how I met you 🙂

Thanks for your patience to read till the end.

Love, 

Lyndsey

Reply: 

Wow Lyndsey, a big warm virtual hug to you. You are so brave to be so vulnerable to a complete stranger. And it is a sign from the Universe that you are ready for a healing a journey. I shall do a reading for you that will certainly help you to take concrete steps to begin loving yourself first and start living a happy joyful life  (not depending on others to give you love and make you happy)

I am a strong believer that the Universe is speaking to us always …the point is are we listening ?

All our good and bad experiences are there for a purpose and I can very clearly see that you are ready to receive what the Universe has to say to you.

Hang in there ! Your reading will be with you in the next few days !

Much love,
Rikki 

So you will be asked to wait about 3 to 5 days for the readings.

I think this post is already heavy enough, so I will include the readings in Part 2.

Till then/ 

Realisation

I think I start to understand the reasons that my relationships are short-lived.

It’s been more than a week...my sleeping patterns are getting more random and weirder. Now here am I, wide awake, together with all my hollowness. Most of the time I woke up staring at the ceiling until   I fell asleep again. The longest stretch of sleep did not exceed five hours... My body must have the reason to jerk me awake, but I definitely do not know why this is happening to me.

So with that emotional outburst and the constant need of attention, I think I successfully made myself lose my glamour. Maybe, maybe it is best to keep away from me. I always end up forcing too much of me on the other person. Of course they leave. I think this time, it would just be the same.

God, please don’t let me be like this anymore. You showed me my flaws and my misdoings, but you showed it in such a harsh way that someone had to leave. Why must it always like that? Is there anything I could even do to stop myself?

For the fear of losing my soul and the ones I truly cherished, maybe I should consider going into hiding once again. As I do not know when my inner demons will lash out and hurt people, maybe, and even maybe, before they are tamed, I should not reach out.

And may one day when all these self-loathing and guilt-trapping drama end, then I shall be forgiven. Before that happens, I shall be stuck in this never ending loop of hurting myself and the ones I love.

All these struggles.

#The Fear of Abandonment 

I see myself in Little Women

Hey, brave yourself for my first post in 2020. 

Initially I wanted to watch "Parasite", but with a sudden butt into my friends' 'date', the three of us end up watching "Little Women". 

The movie is absolutely BEAUTIFUL. I have never encountered a movie so beautiful that I can't stop but sigh.  I have to admit that as the first half of the story is quite boring... you know, just some daily stuff that girls those days go through, but as the story unfolds, I find myself drenched in tears. Being not exactly a lady (coz I don't carry tissues with me), my friend has to provide me with the needed tear-absorbing-piece of paper. 

I admit that I am a sentimental cry-baby. Yet, the dam-breaking point is when the main character, Jo, said she wanted to be loved because she was tired of being lonely. That's when I sobbed until I shuddered in the attempt to hold back my "wail" (well maybe, it's a silent 'wail'). I think it is time to be true to myself. I keep on  putting myself into unhealthy relationships cause I don't wanna be lonely anymore. I have a too-much-thought-producing mind which has the tendency to go uncontrol when I am alone. And that fears me a lot. I know what exactly fear can do to people, and I dread what it can do to me. 

The act of constantly seeking for connection online is one thing. I couldn't help but stalk. And after my emotional sudden outburst, I couldn't help but hate myself. The need to be needed is far too much for me to handle. At the same time, I feel like I am trying to run away from my household responsibilities. I think it's the guilt that I feel that manifests into the nightmares that I have every night. 

I know I can give you my sweetest smiles but remain bitter on the inside. That is the reason that I am never with peace with my own self. 

After all these years of hating others, I realise that it is self-hatred. And I don't know if I have the courage to love myself, without yearning for others to love me. 

Will my story end with the women getting married at the end? I doubt. 

Last Post in 2019

2019 started harsh on me. One of the reasons I refrained from writing on the blog is that I broke up with my ex right before the very festive Chinese New Year. For almost the first half of 2019 I was a crazy bitch thirsty for revenge, hoping my ex to suffer in hell.

In February work called, taking up most of the time, so I thought I was okay due to less time thinking about him. There were days when I suddenly broke down and there were days I was so happy that I thought I was completely healed.

Working in school does not heal loneliness. While the number of people I talk to everyday is more than a hundred, I do not feel "belonged". F* the constant need of belonging. Maybe it's my fault for not opening up, but I rather not.

2019 has been filled with school, exam, work, my study, occasional pangs of loneliness, and lots of tears. Self-hatred is the main theme. Rather than seeing the worth in myself, I find myself constantly seek my worth in people's actions and compliments.
People also left one by one, not in terms of death. Some due to commitments, some for work and some... due to misdoings. I find myself sometimes putting the blame on me, and although I know it is not because of me, I still could not help it.

And this goddamn December is full of unhealthy relationships. My ex decided to pop up and send me a "how do you do" which I replied with "F*off",and I met some people who were really, really a piece of art.

Lastly, let's hope for better days to come.

Lemme end this right now/

Just Some Updates

Days in Ipoh have been overwhelmed by two major emotions: frustration and laziness. Well when I am in good mood I read in bits and pieces and constructed what I need for my thesis in my mind; when I am lazy I played mobile games like hell; when I am frustrated.... I played mobile games like HELL. Hahaha well that's it. 

Not much events happening though, except that it's near Christmas and New Year, so everyone is busying shopping for new clothes. I simply have no motivation to shop. The thing is, finding clothes that are available on the market that are suitable to be worn to SCHOOL is pure difficult. The designs and cuttings with the intention to expose women's desirable body parts are not deem to be fit for my workplace. So that makes me some old aunties wearing the few same suits to school. Nevermind, who to attract anyway? My colleagues are mostly married aunties and my students are GURLSSS.

Should this be counted as laziness? As days pass by I am lazier, where goes my motivation~

As my writing style is mostly based on dissing people, so let me write longer next time if I have any dissing to do. So far not yet. I am sure when school reopens I will have a hell lot to complain.

Till then/ 

Muaks/

One week till work recommences..

I don't know what to say.

I don't know it would turn out like this. It turns out that one of the instruments that I would like to use for my research is currently inaccessible and I may not be able to use it for real. Therefore I have to seek for alternatives.
Not given much choice, I only have the PISA test as my alternative, therefore I have to contact the OECD. Great. Let me see if I am getting any replies.

So this is me without progress. This is because if I change my instrument, I have to change the whole dissertation; I have to change my writing, I may need postponement for my graduation.... GOD.
Waiting for email replies is also another frustrating issue. You don't know the other side EXISTS or not.

Hence the frustration.

I still have one week and I have to get back to work. When work starts I doubt that I have time to work on my thesis.....

 Yep, this is me panicking/

Till then/

Rich Dad Poor Dad

Just managed to finish this book in the midst of working through my thesis. Read it in bits and pieces, but overall it is definitely a book worth reading, and one should read it YOUNG. Many of the points in the book mentioned are practical. and are something that we should have acquired since young. This is a book about financial literacy, a book that teaches you steps to take in order not to get broke overnight. PISA has also conducted tests on financial literacy levels for countries across the globe, I will update here once I found the data (read and forgotten lol) 

I definitely couldn't recall much that I have read: my mind contains more info about my dissertation.

Nevertheless there is one section in the book which summarises a few important points:
if you want to be financially-independent, you should develop these 10 powers:

1. The power of spirit: finding a reason greater than reality
2. The power of choice: making daily choices
3. The power of association: choosing friends carefully
4. The power of learning quickly: Mastering a formula and then learning a new one
5. The power of self-discipline: Paying yourself first
6. The power of good advice: Paying your brokers well
7. The power of getting something for nothing: Being the Indian giver
8. The power of focus: Using assets to buy luxuries
9. The power of myth: Choosing heroes to emulate
10. The power of giving: Teach and you shall receive



I got this book from Bookxcess at Gurney Paragon for not more than RM20 (exact price forgotten). Well I bet it is available illegally somewhere online in pdf format since it is a really "old" book. It is available in various languages as well. After reading it, I regretted for avoiding reading this book purposely since I was young as I shunned books that are related with money or business (don't know why). Now I definitely recommend you to start to be financially literate, if not let your children learn early.

Starting now is never late.

Let us see how much of this book that I will put into practice in real life.

There is also a CASHFLOW game on the official site that I have yet to give it a try.
https://www.richdad.com/products/cashflow-classic

Till then/

Good Night

何必拿真心与寂寞去纠缠

 

"Research" Thingy

Pursuing higher education is never easy.

And now I am wondering whether I have made the right decision, spending around ten thousand ringgit and don't know how many hours and effort to continue my masters.

Doing research online is hella frustrating: you dump yourself into an ocean of information and you drown. Surfing is not safe, neither do embarking the journey on a cruise ship. I guess I need some kind of war submarine to sink deeper.

And not to mention with the bulk of "good quality" research papers out there, it is really a torture to get the precise information that you need. Most are lengthy and without much important info, and after what it seems like an eternity because you put in the effort to read it... you don't understand what it is talking about. Hey, maybe I am not much of an academic person after all.

So this is me, currently rushing to catch up all the readings that I should be doing cause I have been busy from work. My mind got so rusty after months of not reading academic journals, but hey, academic journals are meant to be boring, aren't they?

Once my aim is to pursue till doctorate degree... but if you ask me this question now, I may need to ponder upon it for quite some time. Maybe, just maybe, if you ask me after I have gone through my masters degree, I will give you a different answer by then.

I am not in a right mood to give advice to any juniors or friends who would like to consult me to study masters... especially in RESEARCH.

For now, let me do some more research.

Till then/

Back home

Currently back home, trying to enjoy a one-month holiday which apparently doesn’t really feel like a holiday to me. I have work to do, two main projects to accomplish: my portfolio as a new teacher - due next Feb; and my master’s thesis. The sense of urgency came and left - which rendered me stagnant.

I decide to cut this post short and sorry that well, I look like I am posting this for the sake of posting, but I need to get myself busy. Both huge projects are weighing me down, nevertheless, it is more useful to start working rather than ranting.

Bye for now.

Escapism

I've not been honest to myself for quite some time... because I have stopped writing, and stop writing on this blog means I have refrained myself from facing own thoughts and emotions, and deter myself from forming my thoughts into words. 

These days I have lost the courage to look at life in the eye. 

  

So, shall we muster up some courage? 

- 

We claimed that we don't feel, because we felt too much. 

The fear that embedded deep within us, the fear of rejection, the fear of being let down, have resulted us to put up an indifferent act, although we care so much. 

For example, being alone. 

I am so used to being alone for quite some time, until I went to USM and study. And that's the time I had to start my hostel life. Staying in hostel was nothing special, except that you will be having a room mate. So for the four years in my uni life, I had this one special room mate, who got stuck as my room mate for four whole degree years. 

So this is me, getting used to living with someone for four years and after that, both she and I continued studying masters in USM. This time although we didn't stay together, I was still sharing my room with another room mate from China. So I wasn't completely alone then. However, the connection between my room mate and I just did not establish close relationship at all. After six months, I was posted to PCGHS as a teacher, and due to the travel distance, I moved to somewhere near. I rented a room, with two housemates. One of them is my colleague, and I bet there is nothing good with colleague leaving under the same roof, isn't it? Another housemate of mine, I know nothing about her except her face... so that's it. 

These two housemates don't make the place I rent feel anything like home to me. 

Hence the loneliness. 

One strange thing about me. The reason I chose teacher as my profession, is because I can't live without human interaction. I am the kinda bitch who requires attention, well, in appropriate doses. That's why being a teacher suits me. The classroom is a stage, and my students are my audience, albeit being forced to watch my performance. I gain energy from human interaction, healthy ones of course. The other side of the coin, is what is termed as "toxic relationship". Toxic in a way that it makes you crazy,confused and doubt yourself, corroding you day by day. 

I think it's time I come clear to myself. I am in a toxic one.

-

I don't know how to put this story in words, but as I wanted to put this relationship to an end, I wanted to at least tell what I would do starting from now. One of my friends told me: it takes 21 days to build a habit, so it takes 21 days to quit as well. This guy I know, this toxic what-so-ever friendship that has been dragging for months, I have to end it, and yesterday was DAY ONE. I will be slowly cutting off ties with him as to make it less painful, for me.

What I have done (day 1):

- deleted his admin position
- did not send a single message to him
- did not pick up his phone call until he called twice
- hanged up his call as soon as business was finished

What I have done (Day 2)
- kept on dissing him during the whole phone conversation


- ehhh so far like this.


By the way it's school holiday soon, and I won't be picking up his call at all. That's it, let's hope this end soon.

Enough of escaping from loneliness.
Enough of ignoring voice of the heart.

Hi

Hi, I'm back.

I guess I should keep on writing, and I should not stop writing, no matter what happened.

Whatever my thoughts are, no matter how dark and terrible they turn out to be, I need a channel to release them, and I guess this is the place.

I decided to quit writing and keep everything to myself - which was apparently not a healthy thing to do - speaking about emotional health that is.

I don't know what happened to the world - but I encounter more and more "sick" people as days passed by. I want to heal them, and I hurt myself.

There were days when I hated myself so much, that I feared for my soul. There were days that I found myself wanting to do harm to someone. I was barely clinging on the edge of my sanity.

For now, I am still not sure if I have collected pieces of my sanity back......

Lemme just stop here /