Respect My Privacy: No Photos Please!

With everyone owning smartphones nowadays it is impossible for one not to take photos of everything whenever they feel like it. They feel the need of using the power of the camera in their phones to tell the whole world about literally anything, but they have forgotten the danger of showing everything: how it may harm someone that you don't even know; and how you may summon harm towards yourselves. 

I totally agree that taking photos means creating memories - but does the one that the photo is being taken want to be that part of the memory? See - if the agreement is not mutual, it is not the right thing to do. Okay, let me put it in simpler ways:

Level one:

You are walking down the street and you noticed someone taking snapshots of you. How do you feel?

Adding the intensity (Level two):

You are a 20-year-old young lady buying something in a grocery shop. When you are about to pay, you noticed the 50-year-old shop owner uncle taking your photo. How do you feel?

Level three: 

Someone close to you got into an accident. His/ her photos with broken nose/ bruises and wounds were all over social media sites. How do you feel?

Level four: 

You got into an accident and passed out. Of course the sight won't be pleasant. You woke up and found your pictures all over the net. How do you feel?

I bet that other than level one, I believe your anger and frustrations will only increase level by level. I don't think anyone in the sane mind would like the incidents I mentioned above to happen to them. You don't want such thing to happen to yourself; yet why do you keep on taking others' photos without permission? Have you thought about the consequences? 

See - the news will at least blur the faces of victim, and if permission is not given, they will not show the interviewee's face on screen or paper, not even the name. But here you are acting the "civilian hero reporter" and feel the urge to spread the news to others. Yes - you can inform that there has been an accident - but there is no need to take the photos of the poor victims, you are only adding insult to injury! You need not be a busybody - the authorities will inform the victims' family, and they would appreciate that you didn't take those poor photos! Who would want his/her misfortune to go viral?

Puls, it is not fun making fun of others if the other person doesn't find it funny. It is sad.

Keep your camera for selfies and sceneries, and if you find something interesting you want to share, think twice if it would hurt others. 

Manipulative.

These days I just could not find time to organise my thoughts. It's now one week till the end of semester and I still have 5 projects to deal with. No, I'm not here to complain about the work load. I'm here to complain about my group member(s).

From first year till now, I am the leader in almost every assignment or group work. Even if I am not the "official" leader, I am the one taking the initiative to work it out. I am lucky to have a partner in crime - she can understand what I mean and produce the work with quality. She is a good one, but still, she is a follower. The other two members - one with a sudden bursts of indifference, and sometimes will find fault in my ideas (she is still bearable because her work is okay); one lacking in professionalism and quality of her work, plus the tendency to go wayyyy past deadline that I have set. It's tiring like hell - to have these people dragging me when I have 6 subjects to take this semester, not to mention individual assignments as well. I asked for ideas but it usually end up with me suggesting, and end up me structuring, me conducting, me dividing the jobs, me checking, me proofreading, me printing, not to mention that the others only have to do their assigned parts while I have to do my assigned part (which usually carries the most weightage) and the "leader" job that I must do.

Picture this:

I am in the midst of doing another assignment when one of my members ask:"Hey have you divide the parts that we have to do for this course?" Or "Hey have you checked the part I submitted? Anything to correct?" 

Hey dear sister, I have things to do and why should I be the one dividing parts? Can't you tell me which part you want to do, or you are confident in doing?  I need time to work on my part as well, and here you come asking me if I have checked your part or not? Have you ever consider that I have to split my time up to check four parts of assignment and you only have to do one? Can't you be more sensible and offer help?  Or at least give me some space and shut the fuck up? I ain't need any one to order me around if I am the leader!

And when I ask you to do corrections, DON'T GIVE ME THAT BITCH FACE! If you are not concerned about the marks that you will receive, or the quality of the work that you are submitting in, I DO! And don't go around giving me excuses or praising me that I SHOULD DO MORE JOB BECAUSE I AM COMPETENT AND SMART AND SOOOOOOO RELIABLE AND YOU ARE NOT! GODDAMN HELL YOU ALSO GOT DEAN LIST AWARD AND YOU RESULTS ARE NOT THAT WORSE THAN ME! 

And when I set the deadline at 10 pm means 10 pm! WHY IS THERE NEVER A TIME THAT YOU ARE PUNCTUAL?! Don't tell me that you are sorry! I have had enough! 

I don't understand how can a person not improve a single bit for the three years I have known her. I simply cannot. Every time I see the face I feel like making her vanish into thin air, or gnawing my own eyes out so that I won't be reminded of her existence. Why should I be the one tolerating with her toxic behaviours? I ain't no saint because when I try to tell her to change, she wouldn't listen. I ain't no friend because I did not feel appreciated. What kind of a friend am I to her, if she dares to use her toxic tactics on me? It's better if she is not in my group. At least I wouldn't have extra emotional burden to top up my piling assignments and projects. 

Please make my live easier, can't you? 

Struggling with Life

This phase of life turned out to be hectic and overwhelming. Week after week there are "death threats" to confront and when you thought you could finally take a rest, there are more to come. My life is constantly on the verge of deadline, and strangely enough, I have no willpower to stay alive. Someone once told me I'm born a kickin' badass, but I don't think I live up to that name. I am merely a self-pitying vain coward who complains whenever life gets tough. I become more and more afraid to handle what life gives me. And I even stop what I love doing. I force myself to get out of my room and meet the world, to get a break of the daily routine, to understand others more and to let go of my expectations on them, to adapt a different view and to be happier, but it doesn't seem to work in either way. I used to love singing a lot; now I just don't feel like singing. I deleted all the games I used to like to play. I feel more at ease among strangers than being around with my friends. And it takes me such a long time to get myself settle down and write this down. I don't feel like telling anyone, and I don't feel like doing anything. Most of the time my mind just wanders off. I don't even feel like talking to my parents. I don't even feel like hating the ones I used to hate. Every morning I woke up feeling not ready for the day ahead. Most of the time I doubted that I am feeling what I am supposed to feel. If you searched the net, you get the word "depressed". But I don't even know why I am like this. I don't even know am I supposed to ask for help, or am I supposed to let myself slowly rot inside. These days I laughed so much that I hardly cried. I doubted if my tear glands were blocked or that I forgot how to feel my own feelings. Let's see if life's getting any better, shall we?

That's it. 

Loss of Words -- Apologies for Lack of Updates

I spend much time to go through and reorganise my thoughts over and over again before I finally get the shit out of my head. The most frequent question I constantly ask myself is whether what I write will become one of my fatal points somewhere in the future. Would people use my words against me? Would they have twisted the meanings of my words and frame me for something unimaginable? Forgive me for being such a paranoid, but I did grow up in various constrictions upon my words and actions, so if you could relate, you'd understand. However, never did I expect understanding from anyone. It is always harder to relate to one's emotions without having to stand in his shoes. The worse thing is when people not only misunderstand you, but opt to frame you as the "bad guy".

It is of course a wise thing to accept criticism, but just because you complain and comment on others's actions, it doesn't make you a critic or look more intelligent than others. Most of the time those who comment speak harshly, without logic reasoning nor "common sense". Well if this is too polite, let's just say these people are foolish enough to bullshit around with their brainless thoughts and being loud and noisy as well. They claim themselves as "righteous" and condemn others' actions as if they represent the only justice in the world. 

Therefore I become afraid. Because it is pointless to fight with fools. But to constraint my voice because of the fools out there is unfair. Why shouldn't my voice be heard since it is more righteous that what "they" claim as righteous? If my voice deserved to be diminished because the fools are majority, then is this justice?

Hence my dilemma has resulted in me being hesitant to write anything. I was stuck in the routine of turning on my blog and write and click delete. It is of contradiction when we are advancing with technology, but our views are becoming more and more constricted. People are becoming more sensitive and fragile and defensive, and prompt to attack without reasoning.

Once my lecturer told me to write for the sake of writing, and not to be influenced by any other circumstances. Yet is it SAFE to write in the "freedom" of Malaysian context? That's something serious for us to ponder upon.

For now, let's assume I'm a coward.

Oops I'm So Random

Just Click on This and Listen!

Escaping and Denying Reality -- Victimising Oneself

~~~  a courageous person is someone who still feels fear but chooses to act anyway.

For a long time, I had kept myself in a blind spot and never realise what makes people despise me that much... until I looked back and see how much reality I have ignored. And I change, a little at a time, maybe not that much, but enough to let me live a normal life, that is. 

One thing that ponders me is the amount of haters I attract. Even my own close friends attempt to condemn my actions at times. I would willingly admit my wrongdoings if there were any, but it usually turn out to be us having different perspectives regarding certain issues. So there's never "wrong", but the one who demand one should follow the other. And the moment condemning happens, there comes the wrong action. Never would I dare to request ones' action to change, except when it is morally and legislatively wrong. When it comes to truth I am strongly rooted, and this bring me conflicts with my this very friend. 

Even now I am hesitating whether to write this down. The problem lies in attitude -- same as what I've done years before -- escaping and denying reality. One more spice she added into this mix, makes the situation more unbearable, is the act of victimising herself. I'm of course not responsible for her actions, but being an empath and a protective friend, I find it hard not to symphatise with her.  I thought that being a religious person herself, she could seek enlightenment in her own spiritual guidance. But after 3 years of knowing her, guiding her and supporting her, I see no improvement in her behaviour. It irritates me as time passes by, and makes me want to cut a clear line with her. 

This is because being with her has become more and more energy draining. She complains, but makes no conscious effort to deal with the problems. She condemns, but makes no reflection onto her own actions. Anything that she can't excel in, she makes petty excuses and blame it on others. Being with her for three years, all sorts of excuses have been given. For instance, when doing assignments, she always use the typical "Oh I am not good at this" to escape from commitments and responsibilities that everyone should bear as a group member. To make herself feel better, she would praise you for your "intelligence and talents", and repeat the same action again whenever she finds it necessary. Don't you have better problem solving than this? And then there is her own belief of "I have a sickness-susceptible body", where she constantly use to make her "I'm not feeling well" status of the day. I wouldn't know whether she is really sick or not, would I?

Even when it comes to little insignificant things in daily life that does not require the judgement of right nor wrong, she is still able to victimise herself by finding fault on others, and her range of others covers almost every existence within the universe. When you find a certain dish does not appeal to your taste buds, you can just coolly admit that you don't like it,  can't you? Instead she puts the blame on her origin, when the dish is of her own origin! It makes the situation so ridiculous that all of us friends are speechless. Now why would you blame others?  Whenever she speaks to me about her inferiority, she always blame it on the family institution she was brought up with. But not all of us living in complete happiness, do we? I do know family affects the most, but it is of one conscious effort to walk out of the trauma or whatever shadows existed. Yet all I heard from her is blaming and no dealing actions. 

It is heartbreaking -- because she makes no effort, and she ignores my advice when I tried to help. 

I believe the time will come when I give up on her; because she never attempt to save herself anyway. 

For further reading: https://lonerwolf.com/types-energy-vampire/

It Started. It Ended.

Tee was quiet when they first met. He seemed to be a person with stories behind his intent, distant gaze, and the polite curl of his lips when he introduced himself. He avoided eye contact,as if he were too shy, and Chiara thought he was cute. Their fate intertwined that spring, when flowers blossom, as well as love.

He was lonely. Among huge crowd of comrades who work for the same event, he stood out a bit too much. They worked under the same department, and had to take authority on handling the performances. Performances required rehearsals, and meetings, therefore these two individuals spent quite an amount of time with each other. There were always moments of comfortable silence between both, and instance liking gradually turned into something deeper.

She started to become curious, of him, of his underlying stories. Strangely enough, he told her all. She liked his frankness. She could show her weak spots and insecurities in front of him, and she liked it that he understood her struggles. Whenever they had meetings till late night, he would let her lean on his shoulder and rest. He would massage her stiff neck and shoulders, and lent her his jacket. Chiara thought he was nice and warm. So when he proposed, she accepted.

Their relationship had just officially entered the third week when Tee started avoiding meeting Chiara. Whenever she asked him out for lunch, or dinner, he would give excuses. He said he was busy. But Chiara saw his chat head constantly online on Facebook, and thought maybe he was not that busy after all. Nevertheless, she restrained herself from disturbing him.

The situation went on for a week, until Chiara texted him “I love you” before she went to bed. When Tee merely replied her a smiley face, she demanded him the “proper reply”. He refused, and finally asked her out for a talk. Chiara sixth sense was on blue code, but she forced herself to get dress and meet him. 

“Hey,” her voice quivered while she greeted him.

“Hmm,” he answered but avoid her gaze.

“What you wanna talk about? Tell me.” She barely contained her nervousness. Her fingers kept fiddling with her t-shirt. “What’s it? Have I done something wrong?”

“Why, I’m here to talk, not to punish you for anything. No, you have not.”

“Then why? Why the sudden ‘we need to talk’ message?” She searched his eyes for explanation, yet he was still avoiding.

“Let’s sit down and talk,” he gestured her to have a seat. It was after midnight and the café was vacant.

“Please, speak. The suspense’s killing me.” She seated herself in front of his boyfriend. He seemed distant and unfamiliar.

“The thing is…” he paused, trying to search for a proper word. “I think I should not have treated you like this. It’s not fair you know.”

“What do you mean by not fair?” She reprimanded. “Explain.”

“You know right, my ex-girlfriend…” 

She waited.

“I keep having the feeling that I should not have treated you as I have treated her. It hurts so much when…”

“Okay, I got it. You mean we shouldn’t DATE, right? That’s what you basically did with your ex.” 

Chiara started to lose patience. She knew too well that Tee was simply beating around the bush.

“No, it’s … you know, how I ended up losing her.” His eyes turned foggy when he gazed into Chiara.

“So what?” she retorted. 

“Please. If you wanna say something, just say it. Listen to your heart and say it. I don’t care how you gonna tell it. Just say it.”

“I … we …I can’t continue our relationship anymore.”

Chiara’s heart skipped a beat.

“What did you just say?” her words came out in a barely audible whisper.

“Let’s break up,” he said. 

“Say it again,” she stared at him in defiance. “Say it again,” she gritted her teeth while the words escaped from her lips with a tinge of menace.

“Let’s break up,” he dared not meet her gaze.

“Say it again,” she challenged him.

“I won’t change my decision,” say her ex-to-be.  

“All this while I listened to you, and now you are dumping me?” Chiara let out a chuckle. 

“Fine.” She got on her heels and spun around to leave.

“It’s late. Let me send you back,” the unfamiliar man offered. 

Clenching her fists, she turned and met his eyes. “I never needed company. I am fine ALONE.”

She left, without looking back.

At first, she thought he looked alone, and wanted to keep him company; and now, she was the lonely one. 

------------------------------- End -------------------------------------

No More -- A Narrative Fiction

“What did you just say?” her words came out in a barely audible whisper.

“Let’s break up,” he said.

“Say it again,” she stared at him in defiance. “Say it again,” she gritted her teeth while the words escaped from her lips with a tinge of menace.

“Let’s break up,” he dared not meet her gaze.

“Fine.” She got on her heels and spun around to leave.

“It’s late. Let me send you back,” the man offered.

Clenching her fists, she turned and met his eyes. “I never needed company. I am fine ALONE.”

She left, without looking back.

That’s her first love, ended with shattered remnants of her broken heart. Chiara had never thought the first choice she made in life, after so much contemplating, ended up as nothing. She never thought affection could be repaid by coldness and indifference. Never did she expect that this would be the end between them. No more. No more of his spiteful comments on her appearance, on how she wears, on how she should behave. No more of his late night moonlit walks around the campus, the deep conversation that only both had, and the intense gaze and electricity that flowed between them. When they first met, it was as if they have found their long-lost halves. There was an instant recognition, as if they have known each other for years. But no more. No more. She had nothing but a hollowness that surrounded her wherever she went. An overwhelming sense of loneliness among bustling crowd. She now knew that all those scenarios in Korean dramas weren’t exaggerated after all. The pain was real.

             Every corner around the campus made her think of him, every footstep she made she was thinking about meeting him. The happiness of others made her felt ridiculed, as if she did not deserve to be happy. No more. His promises rang aloud in her head: Let’s go out for a movie this weekend. There was never a movie. There was never a speck of kiss on her cheek. There was never “I love you” … She should have seen that coming. His acts of affection toward her was simply mean comments to ask her improve her physical appearance. And yet she thought he loved her. How silly.

             She had almost used to missing him: sudden visits of memories when she strolled around the campus; and had almost used to not seeing him around. She had stopped her hopes of meeting him, of having a peek or glimpse of him walking by, or hearing a news or two about him. She had used to his inexistence, with the existence of him in her memories. No more. No more.

           When he suddenly appeared in front of her, she could not respond. Her muscles tensed, and her breath hitched. She dipped her head and clung tightly onto her coat. He passed by her with his group of friends, beaming with chatter and laughter. She stood there dumbfounded, stunned, and only regained her normal composure after minutes. Never. Never did she get a chance to be among his friends, to enjoy the feeling of belonging to his family. Never. And now no more. She felt a dull ache spreading from her chest. It hurts.

            
          After that, she started seeing more and more of him.  She found out that she will meet him every Tuesday at 3 p.m. as his class would continue at the same lecture hall as hers. She would cross path with him if she departed from her hostel to the bus stop at 10.30 a.m. every Thursday. She would bump into him occasionally: when having dinner with friends at the restaurant, when she was on her way to the library, when she was doing her groceries.

           
        Then she was used to his existence as a stranger, and the existence of the constant shatter of something within her every time he appeared. She was used to the sudden deprivation of air out of her lungs, and the sudden blindness of her eyes by his laughter. No more. No more.

            
         There was no more between them; the only thing that’s left was the pang of agony, accompanied by insomnia, nightmares and lack of breath.

In her diary, on a page full of scribbles, she scratched something on a tiny space among the words. No more.

------------------------------ End ---------------------------------------

Relationship Management ... Again

There were quite a few times that I took down what I had posted on my blog. I still remember what I had written, but I no longer want to remember them, nor to bring them back as topic of conversation. But what happens recently is tiring me out. And no matter how much I probe into the matter, trying to seek a solution to it, it does not help.  

Being around people is all about relationship. This is also probably a post that I would take it down suddenly. The matter, concerns my friends. These two have been on a cold war since last Thursday. I tried to make them reconcile, but the problem is, there is no one willing to be the one who apologise first. Is pride that expensive until you can't bring yourself to say sorry in front of your friend? The matter is very small and the reasons both parties have given are childish. Can't you two just  settle it between you and not drag all of us into it?

See why I'd probably take this down? I bet my friends are reading this. Worse still there are haters reading this, wishing that my friends would never reconcile and our relationship would become from worse to worst. It's too mind bugging, to be constantly at each others' presence but to act hostile towards each other. I want to act like there's nothing wrong, but I am better to know that ignorance makes illness worse.

Now, what should I do? Can't you girls forgive each other already? 

Because when it comes to one point that one of us give up the friendship, there won't be a valid relationship anymore. Do you want that to happen? Please, it doesn't matter who is the right one. It matters who is the keeper of the relationship. 

It's your friendship. Keep it.

1st Penang Bridge Marathon in Life

Finisher of 10km Penang Bridge Marathon
27/11/2016

Oh, how I despise running! 

Being dragged into this by my friends, I didn't have a tiny bit of regret. I am surprised by myself that I managed to finish the route. 

Yup, you won't know your limits until you challenge it. 

Suddenly I have this crazy thought that I should participate in the full marathon next year. Am I being too optimistic and overly-confident? 

Now, shall I add a few specks of side story here?

I met the people that I don't want to meet along the route, and ahem... it's not pleasant but somehow I could still bear with it. But imagine you meeting the worse person you could meet in your life whom you have already throw away and try to get over with it. Funny, as if it were a curse. As if he was trying to realise the promise he'd made before that. What does the universe imply by showing him to me here and there? The chances of meeting him is even higher than those times when we were in good terms. 

Then I met these ladies who ignored me despite us being colleagues for an event. Is it because I wrote harsh truths in my post-mortem report? Is it why they hate me so much that they can't bring themselves to say a simple "hi" to me? Fine. If that's so, let's forget we knew each other.

It's sad to accept that people who used to know each other can turn into strangers anytime. What make them don't want to recognise each other? Hate? Shame? Pride?  Or sentimental issues? 

Whatever it is, they have signed the contract of being strangers in my life, and I will treat them so.

There's nothing to lose anyway. Save me energy for greeting as well. 

Far, Far Away

One day, if you did not see me anywhere

I must have gone, far, far away

One day, if you neither see me here nor there

I must have gone, far, far away

Far from the pain

Far from the agony

Far from the hustle and bustle of city

Far from the constant need of money

Far from the nagging feel of responsibility

Far from household chores

Far from traffic jams

Far from thinking whether mustard or cheese should go with ham

Far from bossy bosses

Far from complicated affairs

Far from deadlines driving me mad

But I’ll be also

Far, far away

From the people I love

From the moments I cherish

From the cool breeze to the raindrops beating

From the inviting sunrise to the breath-taking dusk

From the green hills and mountains to the deep blue sea

From the place called home    that you’ve made for me

One fine day, if you did not see me

I must have gone somewhere

Far, far away

**inspired by AGUSTD- So Far Away

Drowned

I stayed adrift   

 But they thought I was still moving

(forward, forward they say)

I stayed awake

So they thought I was okay

(But I haven’t slept for days)

I waved at them,

And they waved me back

With smiles on their faces

(What good manners they have, they should’ve saved me instead)

I opened my mouth but only muffled words came out

The cold waters gushed and choked

Deep down my throat

(So I keep my lips shut, that’s the only thing could be done)

I wondered why they can’t see me

Submerged in water, deep blue sea

(Help, help, I can’t breathe)

The salty liquid’s invading

My lungs, my limbs, my intestines

(A bloated body, that’s me)

Ah, finally.