Still Alive

A lot of stories are meant to remain secret.

Even if there were not secrets, they were not meant to be told to the public. 

And yes, I have many of those stories, remained untold. I want to tell, to have someone to know, to understand, to relate to me, to feel my feelings or at least, to listen to me.

But people judge easily, don't they? I trust my own fears more than anyone else in this world, and therefore I never tell my stories.

It's a burden, bearing all those emotions that could not be revealed, and what more they would not be revealed either. I don't want anybody to sympathise me, and that is why I never tell my stories. And oh my how they grow inside me, threatening to explode every single minute I breathe, every single second my heart beats. I don't know whether I should consider myself lucky or not, as I barely escape the outbursts of my emotions every time it happens. Whatever, I'm not going to tell anyway.

Hey guys, just wanna tell you I'm still alive. Hi. 

Forget

Sometimes you forget how to smile, and how to laugh.

There are times where you are there, watching laughter fills the air, but it just doesn't come to you. As if you are impenetrable, by emotions. So you sat there watching. There are times where it is so noisy around you, but all you can feel is silence. There are times where you are surrounded by throngs of people, but all you can feel is loneliness. You forget, how warmth feels like.

Sometimes you rather you forget everything, you wish there was never a beginning, so that there'll be no story, no sad ending. Sometimes you rather you have no memories, so that those beautiful haunting ones won't come back and pierce your soul. Sometimes you wish there was never you in the first place, so you won't end up like this, like now.

So you learn that forgetting is a good thing, because you forget those fears and injuries. But in the end you forget those happiness and love, and in the end you are no different than a piece of statue. You want to regret, but you feel no guilt; you want to laugh, but you feel no happiness; you want to cry but you feel no pain. 

And you forget how to live.

凋·梦

回忆   飘散于静寂的时空

翻转  辗侧  提醒着幸福的痛彻

平静的潭水   经不起   泪水的煽动

泛起   涟漪   暗潮汹涌

无法预测的   心跳的节奏

或生   或死   或眷恋彩虹

云端的虚拟  勾勒出  似梦非梦

幻   唤   焕   痪 

曾经朝阳   今日残暮 

Relationship Management II

The problem is, when crisis arises, would you be able to withstand the situation?

As if awaiting an impending storm, every heartbeat seems to ache with anticipation. And fear. 

I treat every single human being as a tickling bomb: dangerous. But you know, some of them never exploded; some of them letting out small bursts sometimes; and some of them are awaiting to create chaos. Doomed.

The thing is, when you treat someone like that, you would not be able to trust and believe in them. You would not be able to confide in them, because of the fear of one day they might betray you. You keep distance with them, and you would not be able to feel warmth. You scrutinize each and every action made, and you would not be able to get closer to the person; because the more you see, the scarier a person becomes. 

Everything happens for a reason, and I do not act weird out of no reason. I knew compared to those suffering illness and hunger and poverty my problem is nothing; I knew if I were to lament about it people would see me as good-for-nothing. So I remain silent.

Silence does not end the pain. As tide comes in, waves upon waves crash on, threatening to bring destruction. I know I would bear this emotional turmoil until the day my life ends. It would lessen, but will never subside.

I suck at managing relationships. 

Lucidly Drunk

It has been a month. 

I would rather use the word "occupied" than "busy" to describe my current situation. Yes, occupied. but not that satisfied.

The feeling of losing control over what I wanted in life is unbearable. To see the future as bleak, grey and hazy; little light, no hope, great despair. Others see the world in vivid colours, I see it in shades of grey.

As if a winded machinery, I numbly drag life towards its end. Feet by feet, step by step. And fears amplified by repetitions consume the soul, bit by bit, inches by inches.

I do not fear death, I fear the living. I want the suffer of living to cease, but life is not as you please. No matter how hard the armour, it would still be penetrated by a single attack. What is life if so fragile? I had no answer. I seek, but dare not desire. I weep, but stifle it in silence and darkness. 

Helplessness. How unlucky, but no sympathy deserved. Humans never cared about humans. 

I opened my eyes and saw grey; when I closed my eyes I saw darkness. Nothing really matters me anymore, except for the beating heart. I'm still capable of getting hurt after all. 

Crawling at the edge of two cities, I wish to grasp the lights but wish not to blind my eyes; I wish to embrace my fears but wish not to be consumed; I wish to end the woes but wish not to suffer. In the end I found myself in neither cities but the edge, and yet to reach the end.

It was never the end.

Your problem, not my problem mah!

The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crisis.

地狱里最黑暗的角落, 是那些在道德危机时保持中立的人们的最终归宿。

--Dan Brown 《INFERNO》

The worst thing one could do when forced to choose, is not to choose. You can say you have no comment, but for sure you would have preferences and biases, and of course your own views. You would have your own feelings, when it comes to certain people, things and issues. You have the right to remain silent and do nothing, but soon your conscience and guilt will haunt you. You could have care less, but then it won't benefit you, nor anybody.

Malaysia has yet experienced its fourth spring cleaning. When most Malaysians openly voiced their demands out loud; still a large proportion of them chose to remain silent. Yes, politics play dirty. That's why we want to clean them. The worst thing to do is remain in between-- half-dirty half-clean? There's no such thing. A little bit of dirt is considered dirty. When you choose not to make any decision, the decision is made, because life goes on.

The ones who remain silent are the worst human beings of all. Why? Because they're waiting for you to fight, and they're waiting to support the winner. They don't contribute anything at all, and when advantages come, they want'em all. Where are you when you are most needed? Ignoring and watching aside do not help the situation. It makes things worse. And sorry to say, you are the reason for that. 

Stupidity is not a bad thing, because one can learn to get rid of it. But ignorance is the most dangerous act one could do, because cancers grow when you ignore them. And that is why, you deserve the darkest place in hell.

Selfishness does not equal to individuality. You are just selfish. If the country's problem is not your problem, if you could not care more, then soon you would lose yourself.

选择停留在灰色地带的人们，最终将被黑暗吞没。
Those who chose to stay among the shadows, would eventually be consumed by darkness.

Is it still not your problem?

Wake up, Malaysians.

Suppressing emotions, Repressing memories

There are things you would not want to talk about. You suppressed them, and in the end they become repressed memories in you subconscious mind. But there is never a way to TOTALLY forget them. Because you are made of them. 

I am an introvert. I keep things to myself, dislike crowds, love to be alone and whatever behaviour the psychologists mentioned, I got them all. But I am not born like this. I am an extrovert: talk a lot ,talk loudly, outgoing, adventurous, fun, love to party... I was and still am, but I tend to suppress those emotions of mine. Why? Because of those things that happened on me that I wanted to forget so badly. So I stay in between. A shy extrovert. An talkative introvert. 

There were days where I wanted to kill myself. There were days I felt there was still hope in life. There were days I felt so desperate to get rid of something. There were days I laughed until tears welled up my eyes. I remembered some of them, but still, I repressed most of them. I don't know how to enjoy life. There were days I let my emotions slide, but most of the time they are caged. I am still not strong enough to get hold of myself. Yet I force myself to be.

Yes indeed, I fear the living and fear for the living. Living means struggling, torturing, getting hurt and falling down. But I want to stay alive. So I forget. I force myself to forget those moments, of getting hurt, of falling down. And there they stay in the darkest corners in my soul. So here I am, alive, and afraid.

I am a coward. One day I hope I am brave enough to face my own fears.

浮云，真的自由吗？

文艺青年都喜欢利用大自然，爽不爽就扯个风扯个雨，凑成一堆文字变成一篇作品。也不懂那天我是搞深沉还是无所事事，抬头望一下天，竟悟出了另一番情境。那白云，真的自由吗？我们向往的白云般的自由，是不是真正的自由呢？ 

你看到的，不一定是事实。可否想过，控制着云的，是风？风一吹，云只能毫无抵抗地跟着走；反之如果风不吹，云小姐要怎么挪都移动不了。这，是自由吗？风把云吹散时，万里晴空；风把云聚合起来，借用小学的成语：乌云密布。云，毫无反抗之力。无形的束缚捆绑着，你看不见的事情不代表它没发生。拨开乐观的面具，你不会知道后面等带着你的是什么。

如果人如白云，那么无数的欲望便代表着风。每天奔波忙碌，为的是什么？那就是控制着你的风。什么时候才能摆脱风的束缚呢？我不晓得，只因我也是白云一朵。当风再也不能催使你的时候？难道那时才是真正的，彻彻底底的自由？

不食人间烟火，不看世俗红尘？如果死亡代表着自由，那并不意外。但如果致死才能解脱，活着，就不能享受自由吗？

我知道个好东西，可以让你拥有自由--金钱。钱就是力量啊，当你的钱必人家多，你享受的自由的限度也就比人家大。但是什么时候的我，才能攒够那些能够换取我想要的自由的钱？到那时候，我还有日子享受它们吗？世界如此不公，因为她是母的。人类不都称她为母亲嘛。

所以你问我想要什么的话，我要钱，要势力，要力量。因为这样我才能拥有我要的自由。不然就等死后的世界吧，看看解脱了世俗以后，是不是能拥有自由。

我不想当白云，因为只能跟风。我要当风，让白云都跟着我。

你，还向往当云么？

抢救华文？ 抢救华文！

金 樽 清 酒 斗 十 千 ， 　玉 盤 珍 羞 直 萬 錢 。

停 杯 投 箸 不 能 食 ， 　拔 劍 四 顧 心 茫 然 。
欲 渡 黃 河 冰 塞 川 ， 　將 登 太 行 雪 暗 天 。
閑 來 垂 釣 坐 溪 上 ， 　忽 復 乘 舟 夢 日 邊 。
行 路 難 ， 　行 路 難 ，
多 歧 路 ， 　今 安 在 ？
長 風 破 浪 會 有 時 ， 　直 挂 雲 帆 濟 滄 海 。
---李白 《行路难》

华语行路难。

面子书掀起一股 #抢救华文 风潮。偶然看到了就点个赞，分享，然后不了了之。怎么个抢救法？说实话我还真的一点都不明白。一个语言之所以兴起，是因为人类使用它。之所以灭亡，是因为人们不再使用它。马来西亚华语还死不了，也不至于到病危的程度。所以要怎么救，该救或不救，还是以后的事。

面子书上哪位仁兄写了好那么一大段，我隐约还记得的是他说SPM华语不难考。很多人放弃考华语，是怕被华语连累成绩。但其实也就只有优秀生怕被连累，其他人呢？说说华语很难拿优等的事，其实SPM的计分制度就算是跟着巴仙率的嘛，考试局要故意刁难也只能让它乱来，我们能去追究吗？ 最后一大群人还是以同样的理由不考华语，然后呢？ 没啦！

韩国人是中华民族，日本人也是。至今，华语都还在他们的学习范围内。书得读，考试得考，人家还不是活的好好的。我们也可以啊。再说华语不是大势吗，怎么说也只能算是个优势，怎么把它当成劣势了呢？

好好好，说了那么一大堆，没证据人家怎么能信服你。小妮子SPM 华语 A+ ，还多事拿了中国文学自修， A-。当然你可以说我那一届考卷比较容易啦，我比较幸运啦 等等等等，借口要找的话还是找得到的。现在的我还后悔当初没选择华语系呢。算了算了。

有位仁兄在帖子下留言：先抢救马来西亚，在抢救华语吧! 这话倒是说的没错。小妮子还是一个问题，怎么个抢救法？ 我们能有什么力量呢。

大家，尽力就好。至少别袖手旁观隔岸观火，城门失火必殃及池鱼。什么？你不是鱼？那就好。

你今天用华语了吗？你尽本分了吗？如果没有，那你没资格说抢救华语。请用行动证明。

Polluted Mind on the Grind?!

It is way much a challenge for an adult like me NOT to include any adult content in my own writing. Of course sexual content would be inappropriate and the easiest to exclude; what about violence, crime, the darker sides of human beings and stuff like that? Is it because the books I had been reading all the while had been polluting my mind? Haha, sounds like I am giving excuses.

I am never picky when it comes to food, the same applies to reading. Literally, if it wasn't that bad, I consumed it whole. Don't waste your food!

Looks like I have gotten the wrong ingredients to prepare my food. Glancing at my collection of books: crime, mystery, fantasy, horror... Okay I got it. I never prepare myself to write 'clean' stuff since the very beginning. You reap what you sow.

Let's keep our fingers crossed that I would be able to get my work done before due date, and that my work would not pollute the younger generation's minds?

Hey if you guys have any good books in mind please recommend me so. One thing, I am not into romance but see if you can get me into it!

It's time to get back to the grind! See you guys soon!

My Own Style of Relationship Management

Going through my previous posts just to find myself an outgoing person. I admit I am, most of the time? Yet when I engage in deep conversations, people often get surprised by my views. They get even more surprised when they realise that I am a deeply-sensitive observant person. Hahaha, surprise is my element. 

I don't trust people easily. And when I trust people, I don't trust them completely. I am aware of people abusing others' trusts, so I always make sure the information I give won't be use against me. And if I ever told you a 'secret', don't be foolish, that is not considered 'secret'. Because I never revealed my secrets to anyone. Just because you don't know, doesn't mean that it's a secret. Secrets are never meant to be revealed.

And because of the nature of lacking trust in people, I indulge in much time observing them. I don't judge people based on first impressions, but taking time up to three months to come to a small conclusion on which level of relationship I should carry out with them. Errm, I have my own scale, based on how much trust I would give you and how much true self I would show you. 

I am sensitive, therefore I don't trust people easily. The reason I lack trust in human being is simple: they abuse my trust. Once bitten twice shy. The consequence is I invented my own style of relationship management. Consider me weird.

I have told some of my friends before, and well, they are quite shocked that I actually "calculate" relationships. I believe some of you are quite shocked as well, and that means you are normal. If you were as abnormal as me, you would understand: this is just crisis management. I just don't want to get myself hurt. Don't you see it?

There's difference when it comes to "special relationship". The moment I realised I had a considerable amount of liking towards someone, I would hold onto my heart and analyse the situation. Most of the time I give up and friend-zone him. In the end they don't even know I had feelings towards them before. Well, I quit if I don't want to get hurt. 

It daunted on me when and how I would trust a person enough to let him into my life. My own insecurities often gnaw on my soul that it hurts, but I don't know how to get rid of them. For now I think the safest way would be to stick to my style!

Don't worry , I won't harm people. I just don't trust them.

《是你吗》歌词

Verse1
快乐  耀眼得刺眼
像  太阳般遥不可及
我的世界里 只有雨季
滴滴  答答  滴滴
是踢踏舞的旋律
拼凑不出  欢乐的节奏
散发着的  是浓浓的愁绪

Verse2
叹息  混合着咖啡的香气
飘散在思念  的季节里
回忆弹奏着缅怀  过去
原地打转  走不出去

Chorus
是谁   敲   响了沉睡的钟
唤   醒了落叶纷飞的梦
是谁  砸  碎了一地彩虹
扯   裂了刚愈合的伤口
是谁  击  落了翱翔的海鸥
坠   溺  在滔滔海浪中
是谁 是谁 是谁


Bridge
是你吗   我已无法呼吸
是你吗   我没有头绪
是你吗   残留着的气息
是你吗   还是我自己

Keeping fit

Been exercising really diligently first time in my life, funny though. I was slim but now I am overweight, so it's time I get myself back into shape. My journey of growing fat surprisingly took shorter time than I imagined. I started sports since I was in primary 3, and I stopped when I was in form 5. I was not good in athletics, so I played ball! So far I represented school in netball, handball and basketball, and the time I indulged the most was in handball. I had no diet or weight managing problems of course, because I practised a lot, and eventually I was trim and lean. Not to mention when it was gaming season, I usually practised 4-5 hours a day. I didn't realise my potential of weigh gaining until I stopped participating the activities. I gained 10 kilos when I was in form 5 preparing for my SPM, and before getting into USM I gained another 5 kilos.

I never cared about my weight since I never need to, but judging at all the weight I had gained I began to give it some serious thought. I had not only been gaining weight, I had lost the muscles and shape I owned for granted for so many years. The transition of my lifestyle from highly-active to sedentary had had its effects on me. What makes the situation worse is that I am a VERY lazy person, and I wouldn't even budge an inch if it is not necessary. Some more I hated sports that I have to do ALONE, that means all those jogging and hitting the gym does not suit me, All in all I have excuses for not exercising, and all those excuses contributed to my weight. haha.

I had forced myself to wake up earlier in the morning and did aerobics. I don't know if it worked or not since I have just started for a month, and been excusing myself for quite a couple of days because of the muscle pains. But seeing others succeed in it makes me want to try too, and it is certainly better than not doing anything. My muscles ache a lot and protest a lot, but I must persist. Just hope that I could get rid of my flabby fats here and there. 

I have set myself to work out at least three times a week. Rules are made to be broken, but I hope that I would not break this one. I have broken a lot of rules I set for myself. I don't have the courage to show you guys any evidence of my progress of fighting against my own weight, but if I got good news I would tell you. If only.

Let's hope for the best,hehe. 

马来西亚的华语 , 世界的汉语

我的收藏品们，当然还有我弟的。

我不懂自己有没有资格说我是爱华语的，但至少我欣赏并喜欢着它的美。家里有那么一位，也跟我一样，被这书香气给渲染并且乐于让它缠着不放。人，无论怎么努力忘记，根还是在的。

马来西亚水准的汉语，会让真正修读它的人为之惭愧。说实话，我也深感羞愧。现在，它在我的生命里已沦落成只剩下一个用处。除了平日用来沟通以外，我已经很久没将它捧在手心里品阅它的美。曾几何时，欣赏它成为一种奢侈。大学的日子除了忙还是忙，忙得我将很多重要的事情都抛弃了。现在，还捡得回来吗？

很喜欢以前那段日子，书写如行云流水的我，闲来无事，提笔也成章。如今，用华语写作竟让我无所适从，阵阵歉意涌上心头。如果身为华人子弟的我，不以身作则的话，那么如果某一天华语被埋没了，怪谁呢。

最近我家老弟买了本什么《第八届全国中学生作品文学创作比赛得奖作品集》，不看还好，一看竟差点气绝。里头有篇小说竟然串改前几届的作品。这也能得奖？！ 出版商每一届都是一样的，难道真的没注意到吗？这怎么对得起读者，对得起其他参赛者呢？

且不说抄袭事件，我想现在的中学生们脑袋被荼毒的程度也算深的了。从第一届到第八届，堪称“一届不如一届”。 故事情节除了越来越像狗血韩剧意外，该有的文学水准也滑落了许多，让我一度怀疑自己是不是因老了口味变得挑剔，直到我翻出前几届的作品才发现不是我的问题。感叹。

老弟的华语老师的水准也令我甘拜下风。好些天前我忍不住写在我的面子书涂鸦墙上，以显示我对她的“佩服”。 

唉，难道真的是我笨？世上最低水准的“暗喻”修辞手法被批成“用词不当”，我家老弟含冤哪！

这样的老师，会培育出怎样的下一代？！好一个“用词不当”！

可怜的华语，我们能够捍卫的还有什么？

On the journey...

I've complained before I hated jobs that require me to sit in front of the computer for the whole day. But for the past few days I have been sitting in front of my laptop with fingers flying over my keyboard and just like every mother in this world, hoping her new-born child to be as perfect as he/she could be. Haha don't get me wrong, the children I am anticipating would no doubt be the novel and short stories I have mentioned in the previous blog. 

But there is always but. My brain seems to get stuck in damn thick sticky gooey jam and all those words came out jumbled like the wool meddled by cat. See, you got me? I don't even know what I am writing. All I did was a sudden insane typing and sudden halt. sudden typing,  long pauses and buffering. What the... I am going mad on myself!

Oh.. maybe I should have regretted. So far all my work are in pieces. and I don't even know what will happen next. Let's find out of where this journey will lead me, shall we? Off we go!

Aha!.. Ryan Higa is in Singapore and I could hardly control myself to stay in house. My fingers almost clicked on the purchase button of that damn plane ticket to Singapore and I had to drag them back before they did anything stupid. Oh how I wish to be there.... I wanted to see him.................

But then my rationality kicked in that I should not spend extra money! and also I should not able to enjoy seeing him if I were there because I really don't like the idea of being in huge crowds. But I still wanted to go there! Oh dammit! I think I need some medicine to get rid of this madness.

Gotta go! Bye!

Painting fun!

Haven't paint for years... since Form 3 I think... How many years is it? A long 6 years! I have absolutely no talent in art, sucks at crafts but love to play with colours. My first project was done when I was two or three, a wall graffiti on my grandma's house's wall, which make my parents and my grandparents mad, but too bad I didn't take a picture of it. And since then my mum sent me to art classes, but to her and my disappointment my drawing still sucks. Nevertheless there is still one thing that I learnt: playing with colours! 

My brother also went to drawing classes as my mum insisted on us learning visual arts. He turned out to be the opposite: he does well at sketching but sucks when it comes to painting or colouring. And now his school asks him to send in a piece of painting for competition.... and seeing him painting makes me want to paint too. So I did this!

This is my first time trying to paint after six years of fooling around so please don't criticise my work....lalalalalala~

Challenge accepted!

It's semester break for most of the universities and most of my friends are currently working. I think I am the odd one out since what I do is to stay home and..... hey! I am not fooling around! Well, for the first two weeks I think I was, but certainly not now. Not to mention I am on the journey of becoming a "nerd", or what I called self-enrichment, which is basically dump myself into piles of books. 

This is a teenage-novel writing competition. Just when I saw this, I was pretty much into it at first thought, so I started doing some research. Yet, the requirements for this competition seems quite difficult for me to achieve: it should not include paranormal, violence or pretty much anything that is considered negative. Ermmm... I am a person with lots of dark thoughts and those certainly can't be of any use if I were to start this novel. Huh... and no romance some more. 

Two days later, another "mission" popped out. I am to write some short stories (English ones) to send to our lecturer to view and edit and gain a chance to publish them. But but but... all my ideas and languages are a total jumble and I don't know which to start first! English or Chinese? Novel or short stories? What about the ideas? Genre? Chaos.

What makes situation worse is that I have not written fiction for a long time, I think I stopped after SPM, which make it...4 years. Oh goodness! Since then I have been writing for the sake of assignment and exams that are not "creative" after all. I do manage to write a few poems, but poems do not need as much details and length as novels! 

Well, let's see if I can get one of these missions accomplished. Both challenges accepted and I promise to send in my work. For now, let me get lazy first XD 

Bye! 

Going backwards?!

Been disappearing from my blogging for about a couple of weeks now, and sorry to say there was no reason behind the whole disappearing act of mine. I am well-known for my laziness. 

So far finished my finals and got back home. The first thing I did was not watching dramas, not sleeping, not fooling around, but threw myself into my own big pile of novels. I also found myself reading old novels and organising them as well. The funny thing was, I even went through my high school essays and amused by them. How could I write so well back then? I mean, why can't I write as well as how I wrote in high school? Why am I going backwards?

Because I am so ashamed that I went backwards instead of improving, I started my own journey of self-educating. I started doing stuff that I used to do in high school: jotting down noting, having my own vocabulary notebook, reading articles and essays, revising grammar and stuff like that. Been doing that for both languages: Chinese and English. It is shocking to me that I had already forgotten most of the stuff I learnt. And because of that, I am putting extra effort to recall them and secure them in my mind.

One thing I don't like about university is its education. So far I have gone through a year of study, but when I wanted to conclude and reflect on what I had learnt, I couldn't find much compared to high school. Seriously, I am in the opinion that studying in university makes me a worse person. Despite growing old, I don't think I become wise. Let me list down what I had learnt in first semester:

1. WUS 101 CORE ENTREPRENEURSHIP    

2. PGA 101 LEARNER AND LEARNING NEEDS 

3. PGA 102 ADOLESCENTS' INTRAPERSONAL AND INTERPERSONAL DEVELOPMENT

4. HXE 112 READING AND WRITING ABOUT LITERATURE 

5. QMT 112 COMPUTER SOFTWARE APPLICATIONS

6. PET 224 COMMUNICATING IN SPEECH AND WRITING IN TESOL    

7. LKM 400 BAHASA MALAYSIA IV   

First, I don't even have entrepreneurship skills after going through that damn course. Second, I memorised the theories and passed my exams for both PGA 101 and PGA 102 courses. For the literature thing... it was made too rushing and rather than spending time to enjoy it, I had to do more memorising work to cope with exams. QMT 112 appeared to be the most enjoyable course, because to my surprise we didn't fully utilise the computer software we have, not even Microsoft Word. PET 224 was enjoyable because all I had to do was to prepare speeches and present them to the lecturer., but my writing hardly improved. The last one, Malay language. I don't know what happen to USM's Malay language but it certainly differs from what I had learnt in high school, despite referring to Dewan Bahasa dan Pustaka, I still get things "wrong". I don't know why and my lecturer did not tell me why. so don't ask me.

It is clearly seen that I have not learnt much, didn't I? I couldn't see myself benefited as a learner nor as an educator. A big NO.

My second semester was so hectic that I wouldn't want ti mention it, but let's just see what I had studied. 

1. PET 101   EFFECTIVE READING SKILLS FOR TESOL
2. PET 102   ORAL SKILLS FOR TESOL

3. PET 103   EFFECTIVE WRITING FOR TESOL

4. PGA 103  TEACHER, SCHOOL AND SOCIETY

5. HEA 101  INTRODUCTION TO ENGLISH LANGUAGE

6. SHE 101   ETHNIC RELATIONS

First one, no comment. Second one, you saw the crazy stuffs I posted and this was the course that made me crazy enough to remain insane. Third one, I loved it because of the lovely lecturer. Fourth one, as a teacher, you should be capable of doing EVERYTHING.  Fifth one, I don't understand what the stupid introduction was doing here, and I don't understand what and why I was studying this crap.

Last one, it is not about maintaining good relationships but the opposite. Good job done. 

So what have I done other than growing old? Going backwards! Not only the skills I cherished went backwards (writing for instance), I think my mentality had also deteriorated because of the faulty and misleading teaching that somehow made me feel uncomfortable while digesting them... I had to endure the pain of holding them in my brain and then threw them all out after exam. How torturing.

If I were to find fault, I think I would end up in trouble. Malaysia is NOT the place that appreciates criticism, regarding it is positive or not. So I might as well not abuse my freedom of speech and keep my thoughts to myself.

In the meantime, I am on a constant battle with myself on the route of self-improvement and self-enrichment. So wish me good luck!  

Back in Action!

Hi guys and girls, sorry I have been MIA from this blog for quite a while. My dear friend named "inspiration"won't visit me so there is nothing to write. And maybe because of the two weeks break without a paper... it  made me idle for a while too. But then I wouldn't want to simply post anything here, I am afraid I might get disappointed by my own writing. By the way, I probably should start writing now, since my next paper needs me to write, I might as well do some practice here, right?

I have lots of thoughts, tons of them, on trending issues. but you would not find me writing on them. Well, at least not now. Because I know when I wrote that down, I am going to get myself in trouble, a deep shit one, probably. So I spent quite an amount of time to stop myself from doing that, and for my sake I will continue that effort. I am not going to become the terrorist.

Recently addicted to Korean dramas and now watching a psychopath serial killer one (TV series: Gap dong). Here you go. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gap-dong

Yup, you got my point. The handsome young man is actually the psycho, and watching him acting send shivers down my spine. And what a good timing, because I came across it when I was diving the net and found it and start watching it instead of studying for my finals. Applause for my boldness. (*Sigh) So far went through 12 episodes of the drama and things got creepier. Curiosity killed the cat... but let's just hope I am not the cat. I could not STOP!

The same thing also happens when I abuse my health. It's final you know, and if I want to study I have to keep myself awake, and if I want to stay awake I would drink coffee, so eventually I overdosed myself with caffeine. The reversal effects were so much on me that not only I could not stay awake, I could not sleep well as well. I felt like I am neither conscious nor dead. Thw whole world seemed to be falling apart and combining the pieces at the same time, Huh, caffeine is a drug anyway. So this is how a drug addict feel huh?

Well, I think the solution is to get some sleep then. I'm off now, bye!

Unpopular Opinion: Optimistic VS Pessimistic

It's nearly final and everyone involved (or so I think) started to study or complain, but most of us do both. But there are certain human beings who keep on saying:"I can do it! You can do it! Fighting! All the best!", and another group of human beings who say:"Oh my God, I'm dead. Somebody save me!" So that brings me to the unpopular opinion of today: Optimistic vs Pessimistic.

I am never in favour of both types of people. Nah, they are just annoying. Well for your information, I am neither both. Optimists view things over confidently that they do not even see the danger coming. When things happen, all they say is "everything's gonna be okay", but in fact you can see that it is totally not okay at all. Sometimes optimists go way too optimistic that to certain extent, people feel that they are just merely finding excuses.The same thing goes to pessimists. They give a lot of reasons they feel insecure about, to the extend that people feel they are giving excuses not to do anything. No doubt, if you have friends full of positive energy, they will give you heart attack; and friends with thoughts so negative will give you migraine. I would not want both.

Sincerely speaking, everything needs to be in equilibrium. Most people are a bit of both, depend on the situation. Nevertheless, I am in the opinion that we should be realistic. See things in the most logical way. Face the situation, analyse it and solve it. Why bother so much fuss on what might happen next? Focus on "NOW" and within no time, you will know what to do next. Rather than words of motivation or complaints, think of the consequences if you didn't start working now. Then you will get to work, as simple as that. 

So be a realist, get to work and save yourself. For those having finals, save your grades. Good luck!

Distracting myself...

It's study week and apparently I have not spend a single hour on my study YET. Been distracting myself with different stuff and entertainment. Tried to find the motivation for my study but to no avail. Fall in love with this oppa's songs so I keep on listening over and over again. How wonderful if I could sing and pass my finals. Okay, I think I should stop day dreaming, but for now, let me immerse in these songs first~

from Kim Sung Kyu album "27"

Disturbed...

There are moments in life where you could not even voice out your feelings, and now I'm experiencing these moments. Nothing really went wrong, but there was the feeling "but".Been having disturbed sleep for a week now, and can't find any problems related to it, so there is no solution. Keep waking up in the middle of the night and startled myself. I wonder what my doubts are, and I could not even tell me. It's study week now and I am not in study mode nor study mood. And I am not even in writing mood even though now I am writing this. I know you can feel it. Sorry guys.

All I hope is that my normal self would come back and visit me soon. 

懒得

是不是因为时光变迁，是不是因为一切太过于理所当然，日子过着过着，做什么都提不起劲了。朋友相约，懒得出门；房间一塌糊涂，懒得打扫；甚至连一顿饭，都懒得去食堂吃。

然后连当初的感动，也懒得回忆。

梦魇般的现实总是笼罩着我，如影随形，甩不走抛不开。有人说，梦境反映着现实。我看到的，究竟是梦还是现实？你离开后的世界，竟如盘古未开天般，浑浊不堪。相隔着层层浓雾，我无力去追寻你的踪迹。无奈，从而放弃。从此，未离开。

我单纯地以为，只要我守在原地，你就会回来找我。日子久了我明白，再多的期待也只是徒然。你不可能回来，你拼了命逃走的，怎么可能回来。但是但是，我在迷宫里找不到出口。现在，我连出去也懒得。

是你说的，爱，可是我不明白。你留下的那个黑洞，那个把一切都吞噬的黑洞，跟爱有什么关系 ？一天一点，把所有感情都吸走的黑洞，如今还在那里。可是我不明白，为何它吸不走这般空虚？为何它带不走眼角的泪滴？

今夜，我仰望着星空，看见的是你那早已破碎了的承诺。它，还是那么的刻骨铭心。我明白，你忘了。可是你没让我忘了，所以它还在。还在那里提醒我，什么时候才要履行。当初，就不该相信。相信什么沧海桑田，什么天荒地老。现在，我连相信都懒得。

看到幸福的情侣们，我连祝福都懒得。看到微笑的人们，我连回应都懒得。看到友善的人们，我连加入他们都懒得。

我懒得再受伤了，你懂吗？

Fakers beware!

To all my friends who somehow have bad days because of certain human beings:

Recently I have seen quite a lot of my friends holding grudges with certain human beings, got frustrated and mad, posting Facebook statuses and Tweets scolding those people and so on. All I can do is to sympathise them and wish them good luck. If you have been following me for a while, you would know that I was a victim too. If you don't know what I mean, just scroll through my previous posts.

For one thing, I have been with fakers, and they pretty much know that I won't buy them. But, they still fake everywhere. Take note on the word "THEY", that means more than one of them. It is okay if they continue to fake but do not affect my life, but what they do is way over that even I could not bear it. Because these fakers are not good enough in acting, they sometimes reveal their true, darker selves. And the truth hurts. Not me of course, but some friends of mine. They could not accept the fact that the people who have been so nice all the while turn out to be pretentious human beings. When it breaks your trust, it is already too late. The injured ones won't believe easily again. 

That makes me wonder, should I warn the others? Yet, is it appropriate? What if people don't trust me? What if people hate me? What if they labelled me as fakers instead? Should I care less? Or should I brave myself to protect the ones I love?

I don't have the answer. I am so weak. I don't have the courage. I just wait until everything is too late. I am so useless. Sometimes I really hate myself for not being able to take action.

What would you do if you were me? I can fake but I got tired at times. These fakers never seem to get tired. They never seem to care about others' feelings as long as they get what they want. But people like them, because they know who to fake to, what to fake on.

Fakers gonna fake.

But I am not gonna shake that off.

Fakers beware! 

It's about time for you to reveal your true self. It's about time...

Until we meet again...

Hey guys, sorry for trolling and sorry for fooling around... now I am back in action! (*applause!)

As I said I have been busying, and now the business is still not over yet, I still have reports to rush and what not, but definitely have more time compared to the last two weeks, not to mention I have a test on next Tuesday. So wish me good luck!

Just finished Annual Grand Meeting on St John Ambulance and yep, I have no comments on that part. What I want to say is on the farewell ceremony. It is indeed touching. What's more the ceremony reminded me of those days when I was in Youth Cadet (KRS). I am at a loss of words but touched. I miss those days.

Photo taken when I was in Form 4 (16-year-old), and now I am 21. Oh look how skinny I was those days! Haha, I dare you to point me out, I bet you don't know which one is me. But then I really missed this big family of mine and we worked together through ups and downs and lefts and rights. I wanted to go back those days so badly. We cried our hearts out on the farewell party.

Back to the USM St John team, I have no idea why they have such deep relationships, well practically because I wasn't really close to them, but I was all the while glad because it is memorable for one to experience the feeling of belonging at least once in life. I believe that is what makes us reluctant to leave each other.

Life is cruel because it tears you apart when you wanted to be together. Yet life is sweet because it lets the right person appear in your life at the right time. Until we meet again, we shall always miss each other. We made promises but never seem to realise it because we hardly meet each other again. And knowing that fact makes me cry, even harder.

I think that is why I never let myself all in in a relationship though. Because I am too afraid to face the truth, the fact that one day when we separate, it is going to break me. But if you were lucky enough to have my heart, and we separated, I hope when I see you again, you will give me a smile, because that alone is more than enough.

To all who love me, I love you.

When I see you again.

Until we meet again.

Love.

p/s: I am in the middle row, fifth one from your left.

Lazy. Busy. Sleepy.

Sorry guys for disappearing from my blog... I've been through a lazy, busy and sleepy week and that's it. And because I was too busy, I became sleepy, and that made me lazy. That's why all my creative processes were temporarily "shut down", as all I did was to get as much sleep as possible whenever I could. For now, I find myself lazy enough not to think...

(Ten hours later...)


Zzzz...


ZzZZZzzzzz....







You are trolled!

Tribute to Grandpa -- 4th Anniversary

There he was, lying, eyes half-opened
His soul, wandering between light and darkness
I saw his eyes sparkled, smiling at me
But all of a sudden
He went into deep sleep

Nothing but a body of dampness
Not bounded to hell, would it be heaven?
I said, wake up, wake up, oh please open you eyes
You won't even budge, no, this isn't time!
The coldness of your flesh shivers my spine
I could do nothing, but cry

Why, why, why did you go?
You promised never leave me alone
You promised me sweets, toys, bedtime stories and all
You promised to see me grow up, to see me grow old

There is nothing left except dreams and memories
That come and haunt me every night, I couldn't sleep!
Remind me of those days, of me and you,
Of jokes and laughter, of every summer

May your soul rest in peace, my dear grandfather
May everything end well, just like fairytales
Happily ever after.

(Poem to be recited on Public Humiliation!)

Busy

Hey guys, sorry for making you guys waiting. I know it's been a week now, and I have been busying and will continue to busy for weeks, I suppose. So I just stop by to say hello, and also tell you guys how busy I am.

Mission accomplished on 5th of May: Expo SHE 101(Ethnic Relations) and Writing Journal handed in. While on Wednesday we were supposed to recite our poems on Public Humiliation class but we got a good scold and we were told to redo it next week, so next week it is. Thursday ended up shopping suitable costumes for drama on next Friday. Today is Friday and so far we practised our drama and I have to attend St John's camp tonight...till Sunday night. Not to mention I have an interview tomorrow. Next Monday Tuesday Wednesday will be occupied with lectures and practices and rehearsal drama plus the poem recitation. Drama performance on next Friday. Ta--da.

So I guess I should get some sleep first before I would not even have the time to sleep. Bye.

If only...

If only you opened your eyes to see, 

And opened your ears to listen;

Opened your heart to perceive,

And opened your mind to vision;

You would be a better you

Well, my humble prediction.

What is life if, full of care,

No one even bother to show their care?

The world needs you, and you indeed;

For not many, willing to help those in need.

Sometimes I wonder, are those humans?

Because to me, they act like aliens.

God made humans, with hearts to feel;

With pouring conscience, warm and real.

Yet there are humans without these, 

And do anything as they please.

Dear human, please be wise,

For you live because Lord gives you life;

Your life is yours, but it is still His,

For when your soul leaves your body,

You will face Him.

Public Humiliation -- Dramatic Monologue!

Another one! And this time it is something we never expected!

It was an impromptu one. We were given 5 minutes to write the scripts. Just when we were done with the scripts, Dr Kamarul said that we were going to perform the monologue written by others! Frankly speaking, our lecturer is always full of surprises, and I do like that idea! 

So off we went up to the stage, performing. Well I was too busy enjoying the performance that I forgot how to be nervous! That was a plus point to my performance, as keeping a cool head made me think clearer. I was requested to act out the thoughts of a marathon runner. So I acted! My friends comments are positive, so thank God!

Others told me they feel more secure and calm if they are given time to prepare first. But I am the opposite. Don't judge me, I am a spontaneous person and I prefer to act it out on the spot. The outcome not only surprises the audience; it also surprises me. And I love the surprises I bring to myself. I never know I could be capable of doing these stuff before then. Acting by yourself is no easy task because there is no communication happening. Nevertheless it is fun to see one talking to himself/herself. It is just a way of voicing out thoughts. It is a way of self-expression. Self expression is very important because it enables you to show your personality. Again, it is related to teaching. Teaching requires teacher to express himself, and since he would be giving lecture most of the time, the thing is pretty much close to a monologue. 

Thank you Dr Kamarul for the surprises. Thank you for bringing us into a whole new world, and let us explore it. Well, at least no boring lectures!

Next mission: TO BE REVEALED.....

Public Humiliation? Aye or Nay? -- Children's Theatre!

So, for my Public Humiliation course... we actually done a lot of stuff, and children theatre is one of them. But our children's theatre was not the REAL children's theatre as you expect, because we were just organising a one-day English workshop in SK Taman Hi-Tech Kulim. The purpose of the workshop is to encourage the students to speak and use English in their daily lives.The workshop included a puppet theatre session, choral speaking session and also the cup game. I am in charge of the cup game session. Okay then, straight to my point!

First, the students were hardly controllable! It's because they didn't come with remote controls, I suppose...(LOL) Jokes aside, I believe children are restless, but I don't recall that that was how I used to be!  I mean, how could they be so highly-spirited even after a long day? Here comes the problem, because they just could not get their mouths shut, not even when the emcee is speaking. Luckily one of us came up with some tricks, and we got hold of the children. They just needed more patience to guide and deal with after all. We could not blame them because they did not want to pay attention to us, it was our fault for not being fun!

Although they love to have fun, I find that children sometimes are even more responsible than adults. In all the sessions, they showed their eagerness to learn and to perform well. They had the courage to ask and to correct themselves when mistakes were made. They knew their roles and played them cooperatively. It makes me feel ashamed that we adults are less cooperative than them. Some were too shy to approach us, but with a little bit of kindness they managed to get themselves involved and gave their best. I have no words to describe the feeling but touched.

When it came to my cup song session, the students just could not stop playing with the cups given. I had to ask them to put their hands in the air so that they could pay attention on what I was going to say. It was funny but effective. Their eyes shone with eagerness to learn. Somehow, some of them were not able to follow what we said. I found some children looked at us with puzzled eyes. When I approached them, they told me they did not understand the instructions given and did not know what to do. I had to explain to them in simpler English, and also explaining in Malay. As teachers, we must pay extra attention on those who are easily forgotten and shy, not leave them aside and tend to the active ones. This is actually a serious issue, because teachers are not supposed to be biased.

The children were very polite that they came to us and gave their salams before leaving. I recognised some from LELAC camp, and they also greeted me. It is a great pleasure that your students recognise you and appreciate you. The thought of it warms my heart. The reward of being a teacher is the feeling of being appreciated.

This is not the first time I organised or take part in a workshop or camp. But this is the first time I am handling a bunch kids as an adult, and as a teacher. Children are simple with pure hearts. I would love to be with them. Although they could be annoying, most of the time they are adorable. All they need is a little more patience, a little more love, a little more care and lots of communication. To speak to children, you have to use their language. Simple, true and straight forward. I understand why Dr. Kamarul asks us to organise this workshop. Not only we benefit the children, we also learn a lot from them. Being a teacher is not easy. You should guide them, but not lead them. You should care for them, but not do their things for them. You should love them, but remember to share your love equally. Most of all you have to be willing to teach. They know if you are willing or reluctant, and this shows through their attitude towards you.

I feel like I want to be a child again.

Public Humiliation -- Voice Modulation

Everything happens for a purpose.

Everyday is a new discovery.

Voice modulation is the thing where we have to act like animals and do their sounds, plus a story line. My partner and I spent two days on the costumes, basically sitting in our room sewing. So, as we were acting as the rhinoceros, we spent hours searching for the exact shades of grey that could match our clothes. We managed to get the same shades of grey for the shirts and pants, but then the vest was of a different shade... And then I realised why the movie was named "Fifty Shades of Grey". Well, it could be applied literally. hahaha (not funny) To our surprise, the costumes turned out to be quite nice.

After acting the scene and reviewing back what we had acted, I found that I am really no good actor after all. The scene that I had imagined in my mind turned out differently when I acted it out. That makes me realise why professional actors and actresses have to act out the same scene over and over again. My partner and I practised the scene before, and it turned out quite good. But things went different on the day of performance. I would not take stage fright as an excuse, but to me, I believed I was worn out by the same scene that I got bored myself before acting it out.

I am a spontaneous person with spices of humour. Because of the spontaneous quality in me, I tend to get bored easily when I do the same thing over and over again. I prefer a life full of adventure than a routine. I think I should get used to routine then? By the way, since practice makes perfect, I think I should practice more before the performance, and the best thing is to record them into videos so that I can got through them and improve on the weaknesses.

Voice modulation is not carried out for the sake of acting. Dr Kamarul told us he wanted us to be  "abnormal" teachers, not boring, dull ones. To be a good teacher, you would have to have the ability to grab the students' attention, just like what you do when you are performing. The audience needs to be pay attention to you, and you should be the star under the lime light. Voice projection is also important, in order to convey your messages clearly. The main thing is you should not be the one who is "syiok sendiri" on the stage. Through this activity, I discovered a new facet of me. I learnt that it is easy to be an attention seeker, but it is not easy to be the one who gets the attention. Same happens when you are managing your class, if you could not get the attention, you failed to manage it.

On the way to be a better teacher.

Stop Tickling Furry Unicorns! (STFU!)

Sorry guys, I thought I could get rid of this habit of finding fault in people, but then, I am wrong. These people are so annoying that I wish I can shut their big mouths and give them high fives in their faces.

The thing is, they think there is no problem with them. And that alone, is a HUGE problem. I could not act as if I didn't know anything, and that's why I am here. Ranting on the stupid stuff people do.

First, I would like to talk about my dear course mates. We are facing a lot of coursework at the same time so I would say that it is quite heavy for us to handle. Well, it would be just fine if all of us work together, but there are some who don't want to cooperate. Okay, that's still fine enough. Worse still, there are people who thinks that he or she is the most superior among all of us, and would like to lead us, BUT HE MESSED THINGS UP! F*** YOU! Whoever it is, he or she definitely drew my dark sides out of me.

Second, the fakers a.k.a the back-stabbers. No comment, because I am sick of them.

All of you know, when I am angry or upset, I tend to write them down. So they pretty much contributed a lot, by becoming my facebook statuses. But then, as a matter of fact, sometimes it is just some by-products of my creative thinking and I decided to write them down, and it is not meant to address anyone. BUT THERE ARE THIS KIND OF PEOPLE WHO TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY BECAUSE THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND HIM OR HER! And they think that they are being attacked by me, so they posted statuses to attack me back. No wonder I find the statuses so coherent. Hmm, good job guys.

There is also this "SENIOR CITIZEN" or "SENIOR-CITIZEN-TO-BE" that loves to "EDUCATE" others using his "KNOWLEDGE". Oh come on, we don't need Nazis here. I know you are the best among the best, but don't you know HUMBLE IS A VIRTUE? HOW COULD A PERSON SO PERFECT LIKE YOU NOT KNOW?!

STOP TICKLING FURRY UNICORNS, CAN'T YOU?
Pity those beautiful creatures...

Public Humiliation in Action?!

(*drum roll!)

Hey guys! Remember the " Public Humiliation" thingy I told you guys before? Now, it is back in action! Literally we spent a few weeks not providing public entertainment because we had been having drama classes indoors. Now, the public entertainment will start till the end of semester...
Well I am totally speechless, because the thought of it could send me the shivers.

So last week we spent the morning entertaining the passers-by. Our task was -- " do whatever you want". So with that, I am ashamed to say that me and my partner performed a bitchy quarrel scene that was pretty much humiliating. I am not going to elaborate on what I had done, I am not satisfied with myself. Well maybe I am not good in acting after all.

Next week we will be performing as ANIMALS. Currently working on the costumes, thanks to my rommie which is also my partner, her delicate fingers make work faster. I hope the next performance is ridiculous enough to entertain you guys! Just stay tuned because I am not going to tell you what kind of animals I am performing, hahaha!

For now, keep fighting!

Truth?!

They see me as the hater,

I wonder why would I be?

For all I do is for the latter,

Or whoever needed me.

My words are spikes, sour and bitter;

But they meant as what they should be:

For real words never sounded better,

As what others sweet-talking be. 

I am no back-stabber, 

Nor I meant to be such a nuisance; 

But truth is always uglier

Than what it seems to be.

So come on, stop misunderstanding me,

For I speak only the truth, 

And let the truth be me.

Human?!

When I first started this blog, I haven't really think much. I didn't even have a solid reason. Then, it becomes a habit. A habit that I would like to keep no matter what happens.

Sometimes I wonder, maybe I shouldn't transform my thoughts into words. My words affect, or if not hurt, others deeply. Again I feel that I should reveal the dark side of human nature. To let the blind see and to let the deaf hear. To let the cold-blooded feel and to let the brave fear. Fear of losing the goodness in human.

It is not my purpose to use my words to attack someone. But it is my purpose to attack the vices, the wrong-doings of human. Have you not see? If you can't, let me tell you. If you don't understand, let me explain. All I want is, don't you EVER do the wrong thing AGAIN.

But human are naive. They think they are the only ones intelligent enough to get hold of the world.  They think they are the most superior, the most qualified, the most beautiful, the most and the most until they forget, without the world, they wouldn't even exist. They forget to thank God for everything they have. They forget to look into themselves and reflect. They forget how to be human.

I am afraid one day, there would be no more human left. The ones left are merely creatures in a human body, or worse, devils.

Let human be human, could you?

Blind?!

 I still have a lot of things waiting to be done, a long list. But then, since I promised to blog once a week, blogging is in my to do list too. It has been a hectic week, but then there is no resting after that. Waves upon waves continue hitting me relentlessly. Well then I think I should continue to embrace them by all means. 

I know, most of my blog posts are negative, and it happens to me that I am not a very positive thinker. But, the world's vices need to be exposed so that people blind enough can see and take action to cure them. Again, there are people who are blind enough that they can't see anything. And it is this kind of people I detest. 

One language does not promote unity. Unity comes from the heart, the conscience, the people who are noble enough, selfless enough to accept others. If you wouldn't give up your so-called pride, you are never going to make it to unity. Indeed, this is what Malaysians do. They are so self-contented and have the mind-set that they are always superior than others. And that is why Malaysians NEVER make it. Unity. 

We make fun of ourselves. We bring the humiliation to public and let the world laugh. But why? Why are we not learning to improve? What have we done after that? Why are we blind enough not to see what harm we have done to our nation? 

When people give you advice, or scold you, or criticise you, they want you to improve. They want you to grow up. They want you better. They want you to be brave enough to know what mistake you have done. They want you to be selfless. They want you to get rid of your so-called pride and be human. They want you to bring the world to a better tomorrow. Not that they are racist.

Everything starts small, until they become big. Everything needs care, until they grow up.

You are never superior unless you have the knowledge, the power, and the quality to be a leader.

Not that you can over-shine me. Because I know you won't. You ain't real leader.

You are the one using dark tactics when people are not seeing to get what you want.

But that doesn't work on me. As long as I am alive.