To My Beloved 2020

 #爱你2020

这个2020年，可能对大家来说很可怕，也很不安，可是要知道，转变的背后就是重生。

2020是我的重生之年。

从一路的焦躁不安空虚无助，向外寻求关注而不可得的那个我，到如今可以以温柔的心看世界，我真的很感谢，这些在2020启发我的人事物。

2020年，让我看清我自己的黑暗面，接触身心灵，以自己的黑暗共处。成为那一道光，爱自己，以前这些我会鄙视的观念，也是把我从深渊里拉出来的力量。

2020年，我也学会了跟不适合的人告别。有些人，真的不必强求，尤其是从来不肯为了"我们"而改变自己的人。 学会设立健康的底线，拒绝"垃圾"思维的人类。 学会把精力放在自己和珍惜自己的人身上，拒绝"以爱之名"。

2020年，我也学会了什么叫做"自信"。 自信就是，清楚的知道自己存在的价值。 我找到了我的价值，也坚信我是无可取代的存在。

2020年，感谢那些一直支持我的朋友们，谢谢你们不厌其烦地看我摔跤又爬起，一遍又一遍。谢谢你们一直都在❤

也要感谢我在网络上偶然联系上的塔罗牌师Anjali，如果不是她，我不会是今天的我。

2020是个重生之年，也是个感恩之年。

感恩我接触了瑜伽之后，多年的心悸背痛也不再上门，作息也更加规律，也变得开朗了起来。

这一切，如果不是一场疫情，如果不是MCO,如果没有那些单独被关在房间的日子，我不会倾听我内心的声音。

感恩2020年让我看到，困境崛起，浴火凤凰。

#我爱2020

To all the decisions I have made in 2020

 This might be the most shocking decision I have made in 2020. 

I quit my Masters studies. 

As much as I think that I am an "excellent" student, apparently I could not bring myself to "excellence" in the field which I have little to no interest in. 

My passion lies in sharing knowledge, to help people and see the growth in them, and that's why the teaching profession suits me. Yet, when I applied for my Masters, what I had in mind was resentment and revenge, plus a deep hollow need to prove myself to the world. 

I must say 2020 is definitely a year full of huge transformations. I came to realise that I never needed to prove myself to anybody by pursuing higher education. It does not align with my purpose. I have zero motivation when it comes to writing my thesis. I have neither the curiosity a learner has to possess, nor the passion in delivering what I have learnt in my Masters to my students. Since then, days became more of a burden, rather than joy. To escape from myself, I resorted to binge eating and my weight spiked a full 20 kilos. I was not happy, but I did not know that this Masters study was the main cause then. 

After months of deep contemplation and numerous futile attempts to continue writing my thesis, I came to a point where I came clean to myself. I was stuck. I could not bring myself in front of my laptop and write. I resented each and every word I had put into my Masters thesis. I feared of the judgments from people around me. I feared that my parents would be deeply disappointed. I feared that my lectures and juniors or even friends would look down on me. And of course, I would have risked all the money I had put into this studies - which was a huge RM 42000. 

Nevertheless, I decided to quit. When I voiced my thoughts to my friends and family, it was surprising, as well as liberating. All of them supported my decision, even my Mum who was quite stubborn at times. She supported me and asked me to let go. Even as I am writing this down, I am in tears as I am touched by how people around me are supportive. 

And so today, 30th of December 2020, I finally muster up my courage and file in my withdrawal. 

I cried. I don't know why, but maybe they are just tears of relief. Or maybe, I am thankful to myself for letting myself go. 

And this is to you too. To all the decisions you have made in your life, bless them and move on. 

No regrets. 

Love and Light, 
Nikita

月 • 雙魚

 

My Mortal Fear

https://lonerwolf.com/biggest-fear-test/

It still hurts a lot. 

As much as I yearn so much for love, I could not bring myself to accept that I am love-worthy. 

Deep down, I have this immense fear that, no matter what promise the other person has made, he is definitely going to abandon me one day. I am bound to be abandoned. 

I wonder when will this deep-rooted fear of mine be healed. 

Since my last break-up, I could not bring myself to watch any romance-related content. A simple scene of couples holding hands and smiling goofily at each other is enough to send shivers down my spine. It reminds me of all those silly and stupid stuff I have always yearn for during my six-month long distance relationship with my Taiwanese boyfriend. The expectations, the only hope which I fed on, vanished in just one day. I never get to see him in person. All the plans we have made together, turned into pure lies and deceit. 

I hated myself for a long time. I could not accept the fact that he did not give me a proper reason for our break-up. I clung onto him and pestered him with threatening messages and petty little acts of stalking him and his friends online. I could not even fly to Taiwan to actually punch him in his face because never did he told me his real address. I could not even cry and mourn for the loss. I lost track of the time when I wanted to force my tears out but I couldn't. And if I am not mistaken, I broke down only four months after the break-up. (He broke up with me right before CNY in 2019, petty guy choosing the fucking timing). It was when I finally realised, no matter how much blackmailing and drama I created, things would never go back the way they used to be.  

Still, after the realisation, I did not give myself time to heal. Immediately I turned to seek for guys available and flirted with them. With that much hurt and hatred for the guy who have left me, I used the attention of other guys to quench the urge for revenge. I lied to myself that I did nothing wrong in the previous relationship and it was all his fault. I blamed him for everything, and refused to think about the past. I decided that the best revenge would be to quickly move on and get someone so that I could show off my new boyfriend to my ex. Well as you can guess, it didn't happen. 

Plus 2019 was a year full of changes. Previously I was staying in USM hostel, doing my masters. Right after CNY, I got posted to PCGHS, which was quite a distance away from USM and I had to prepare for a lot of changes since I did not have my own transport. With that being said, it as quite hectic and I did not have the time to properly sit together and embrace my emotions. I thought it would be nice keeping busy to forget the hurt, but apparently, it was not.

So here came my downfall. I met another Taiwanese cute little brother on the singing app and the attraction was instant. At first we talked to each other about everything. Then it took an unhealthy turn when we could not control our needs towards each other. We were both lonely, and broken and needed to be "fixed". Hence our relationship turned toxic with both of us constantly checking on each other, and chatting on the phone for long hours that none of us would hang up. He started getting off-board with all the cheeky and cheesy conversations that one would only say to someone he/she loves. I confronted him many times and after what seemed like endless times of stupidly getting back to this addiction, I severed all ties with him after six months. Oh gawd half a year wasted. 

According to the chronological timeline above, I did not have any time to heal. It is more like I did not give myself anytime to heal. With this little bro being completely dumped out of my life, I felt a huge void, a huge emptiness that fears me. I was so used to someone calling me the moment I left mt job, the moment I had my dinner and the moment right before bed, that all these times I could not help but to feel a constant fear and anxiety. There were moments when I suspected myself of being depressed. But you know what, I still did not learn. Immediately I was on pursuit of guys again, with all the dating apps you can download. 

Yup, so I kept myself busy by chatting with random guys, going on dates and keeping all my fears and emptiness and all the stuff I have to heal wayyy back the back of my brain. Yet, my dates never went well. All these guys I am interested in, eventually lose their sparkle. It was either me getting bored, or the other person suddenly vanished, or I kept on finding that these guys were simultaneously preying on a few "victims" that I gave up on them. You could imagine the length of my block list (maybe I would show you one day, hahahaha). 

On 16th of March 2020, that evening when our dear PM was announcing the first phase of MCO, I was out dating with yet another guy. The "love-at-first-sight" wave hit me the moment he stepped into the cafe. And well erm ah what I wanted to say was, I thought he would be the right guy at first, but after that we were literally locked-up and Covid-19  says "no more dates for you, bitch". And that was when I was forced to face all the self-sabotaging acts that I have done for the past year. This guy, albeit being my mirror, had let me see my fears that had been projected onto him. I was never ready to be in ANY relationship. Yet, I ironically went out to seek one, hoping that getting another relationship would "fix" the broken me.  It did not. 

Thus I started my healing journey series( yea all those blog posts on tarot, yoga and stuff), as I finally sense all the self harm I had done to myself. Erm yep this "love-at-first-sight" cute guy ended up in the dungeon-locked-up list as well, so be rest assured that I would not do myself further harm by trying so hard to love when I am not even ready. So I spent these two months working on little stuffs that needed to be changed, and to really face my inner demons. 

Apparently this part of me (yea the story above) said it wanted to be let to breathe today, and so I granted its wish. 

And yes please excuse me as I have spent an hour writing this, and I spent an hour crying while writing. 

Dang, it hurts being honest. 

Peace out yo. Namaste. 

I cried during Yoga Session (wth)

I cried. 

I fucking CRIED during my Yoga session?!

Let me find my words. 

This is not my first time doing yoga, but this is my first time shedding tears. What's the trigger then? 

Let me just help promote the YouTube Channel I've been following. 

This is not the first time I experience yoga... oh look at me repeating the same thing. I have always love yoga because of all the fluid movements and stretches that feel so good and relaxing. Nevertheless, it has been about two years (or more) that I prefer kickboxing and other quick moving dances as my workout routine that I totally forget about yoga. 

Recently this "yoga" word keeps appearing as I read and watch a lot of videos on spiritual stuff, mind-body-soul connection blah blah blah ( erm erm whatever), so this thought strikes me that I should just try yoga one fine day. 

So today happens to be this "one fine day" and yup, five minutes into the session, I cryyyyyyy. Using a more precise description, a tear rolled down my cheek (forgot whether it was right or left). The "self-hugging" position happened to turn on my tear faucet so everything ran loose~

I was deeply engaged in the session that I laughed and cried throughout. The funny thing was, I never choked. Usually we choked while crying or laughing because we could not find our breath, but never did I choke. It was truly a refreshing experience! 

Oh, going back to the part where I had to set my intention, this thought popped up, "I want to be my truest self". I guess I was able to laugh and cry so heartily because I was so present at the moment, that I forgot every thing in the world that brought me down. 

Now that I finished the session, I felt such freedom that I could not help but to write this down. This is AWESOME. Every cell in my body is singing with joy~

Never felt so alive. 

Namaste. 

p/s: Namaste means: " I bow to the Divine in you." 

My Healing Journey (Part 6)

After much thought, I think it would be okay to just use her real name. It is never wrong to be true, so here you go. This is me replying to her. 

Lyndsey,

How are you doing today ?

Now that a day has gone by after our call, I would love it if you could let me know if the Coaching call was helpful to you and if yes, how did it help you with reference to the Tarot messages you had received earlier. Also, what could have made it better ?

Much love

Anjali

Dear Anjali, 

This would be a very long message again :) I must write it ALL down, because the Universe speaks to me - with intensity and abundance. It showed me that the love I should receive is infinite - and I would be receiving more and more afterwards. I could not express how much gratitude I felt - it was like a dark veil had been lifted and suddenly I could see clearly. Each and every puzzle came together suddenly made sense - and I knew, I was blessed all along. I was never abandoned. It was me - who has refused to listen to all the guides the Universe has sent. It was so overwhelming and at the same time so liberating. I truly believe that I have the power to “release and let go”, just like the spread that you have chosen for me. 

After the call I was so relieved and felt that I was freed - from all the unnecessary weights I had been carrying all along. I realised the importance to see - with a clear mind and soul, and to differentiate between responsibility and guilt. It is important to make wise choices - ones that would make us grow and prosper, ones that would help us and our loved ones to heal. It is also equally important to say no - to set healthy boundaries and stay firm to our own decision. There is no need to feel guilty because we have refused to take what others offer. It is just pure common sense: we know that junk food is unhealthy, so we refuse to take them. No one should blame you for taking care of yourself, and most importantly, I should not be guilt-trapping myself for making choices for my own benefits. 

I made it a point to completely shut out the guy whom I have mentioned to you. Little did I know, maybe he was meant to be one of the teachers in my life. After I explained to him my views to him, he replied with equal sincerity. His message made me realise that I have always been applying the same concept and destructive behaviour in my interpersonal relationships. I have always been a people pleaser - in the hope of getting the same attention that I was giving out. But just as you have said during our call, I would not receive love if I keep on emitting “hurting” signals. He made me realise that there is no absolute way to a situation. There are lots of perspectives and ways to solve a problem, and I should not force my thoughts and principles on others. I am glad that I did not shut him out because his words gave me such insights to my past behaviours. Now I see how inflexible I was in dealing with my life. How conservative and closed-minded was I. I am so glad that I am able to see my mistakes. And now it is exactly the time to change, to heal. And maybe I should keep him in my life, as in the beginning, he served as a “trigger”, a key to my healing journey; and now, he gives me insights that I have never realised before. I am also able to realise that I should not limit my relationship with him as lovers, who knows maybe he will turn out to be one of my best friends in life? The Universe is always full of surprises. :)

Yesterday I received my rainbow obsidian pendant. When I ordered it online, it was pure impulse - and also I knew I needed to get myself grounded. Did some research that obsidian is supposed to act as a “mirror”, to let us see our darkest self and inner demons. And now looking back, it is the Universe’s way of guiding me towards my own healing. Miracles happened! After meditating with my obsidian for about half an hour, in which what I did was just holding onto the pendant, closing my eyes and doing nothing. I watched as my thoughts passed by, and then I resumed my work as usual. Out of the blue, thoughts started rushing in to the extent that I could not contain. I began to see - that everything that has ever happened to me - were the mirrors to my own behaviours. It was like a heavy blockage had been lifted, and there was sudden revelation. So I kept on jotting down these thoughts, these new perspectives, these little pieces of miracles that came towards me. 

I think that “mirror” is the keyword. The most destructive thing that I had done to myself, was that I used sadness to heal my own sadness, and ended up hating myself. I would like to write more on the little details I have found, but I think it would be better to focus on the tarot readings specifically in the following section. 

I began to make connections - of the past and the present, of the outer world and the inner world,of others and myself. Everything flowed through me naturally, that I found it unbelievable. Years ago I thought that the law of attraction and self-affirmations were all bullshit; now I know, if only I have learnt to listen and accept, things would change. 

 Looking back the day I received your tarot readings, which was on the 4th April - till now, only 12 days have passed, yet, so much changes have happened within me. Not to mention, it has only been two days since our call, and the Universe has shown me so many miracles. I believe that now I have gone through the phases of reversed Chariot and Four of Cups. I have come forward to receive the Ace of Pentacles the Universe offers. This is my new beginning ( page of pentacles ), and as I am embarking on this journey, so many miracles have performed in front of my very eyes. I am able to see my past, understand my behaviours and also replace old concepts with fresh insights; and the most surprising part is that I am able to forgive. Yesterday night, while trying to fall asleep, I had this sudden urge to thank those people who have helped me and accompanied me in life, and also to forgive my past relationships. So, I got to my phone and started sending messages. I thanked those who supported me, and they replied with words of reassurance and encouragement.  I sent messages to my ex boyfriend, saying that I forgave him and I don’t hate him anymore. I gave my blessing to him and wish that he would find his own happiness in life. He replied that he’s happy to hear from me and wish for my happiness too. At that very moment, all the hatred and pain dissolve, and I feel so peaceful. So this is the power of forgiveness, I thought to myself. I plan to send more messages out, especially to the people I love, to thank them for being there for me, giving me advice and support. I believe that it is never too late to show gratitude. 

As for the Four of Wands, which depicts stability, harmony and balance, I believe the steps I am taking now are the foundation. I realise that this is a process and only with persistence and work, plus patience, things will manifest towards my dreams. I am also feeling secure and more at ease with myself now. As for the High Priestess, I believe that I have to listen to my higher self in order to seek my life purpose. It is still quite vague, but I have always had this feeling that I want love and peace for everybody, and I want people to feel empowered and love. I want no more suffering for human beings. Maybe this is what leads me to my current profession, which is a teacher. I have always wanted the best for my students, and I constantly nudge them to seek their life purposes. Along the way, I have also come to better terms with myself. I believe that the way I treat my students is the way that my inner self wishes to be treated. So from now on, I will be gentler, more compassionate and patient while listening to my heart’s desires. 

Last but not least, the Lovers card which has brought me tears when I first received the readings, now brings a sense of peace and calm. At first I cried looking at it because I thought I would never be able to achieve it; and now that the Universe has shown me guidance, I believe that I deserve true love. 

I really loved the cup metaphor and the light switches. Now I am able to see things more objectively, taking a step backward and analyse the contents of my cup before making accusations of others’ behaviours. The light switches I have done for these two days have helped me tremendously, giving me possibilities and ideas to help heal myself and my relationship with others. Thank you so much, Anjali, for appearing in my life in such wonderful timing, and for speaking in a language that is so full of gentleness and wisdom. It’s been a long time that I've ever felt so alive, and so happy to be alive. 

Anjali, you are a beautiful soul. Your kindness and sincerity are enough. Years ago I would not even dare to dream of such a person showing up in my life. Thank you, thank you and thank you. 

I am also looking up more on Louise Hay. She is another wonderful soul indeed. 

I am Love. 

Love, 

Lyndsey

My Healing Journey (Tarot Reading Part 5)

Finished my Zoom meeting with the inspiring Tarot Reader whom I have mentioned to you... Oh my it was tiring crying for 45 minutes non-stop. I think I've reached the peak rainy season of my life (or just of the year?).  Nevertheless, crying is not the main issue here. 

Have you ever meet a person who speaks magic? I think I have just met one. Anybody could say these words: "you are strong enough", "you are powerful", "you are doing more than enough"; but when these words were uttered from her lips, they were transformed into strength, power and love. I have never feel so liberated and dazzled by the light she has shone on me. Yes, it's hard to believe, but she SHINES. She shines her own radiant and speaks her own truth, but strangely it sounds like prophecy to me. 

Let's sum up the main lessons and steps she has taught me: 

1. If your cup is filled with tea, you will never be able to give coffee. If you have so much love and hatred in your heart, how are you going to love others? 

So, fill your cup with love, and you will be able to give love, and attract love. 

2. When I asked her "why is that sometimes kindness are not repaid by kindness?", and she replies:

The Universe sees our acts of kindness and and has them all recorded in our "Bank account". You will be repaid, it is just that it may not come from the same person that you have given, but eventually, you will be repaid in different forms. 

3. When I told her that I feel so empty inside, she replies:

The beauty about being empty, is that you do not have to remove the contents of your cup anymore. You are now being able to contain, to hold, all the love that is ready for you. 

4. If there is a painful memory that comes back and haunts you, write it down on a piece of paper and burn it. Flush it down the toilet bowl and watch as it disappears.Then, take another piece of paper and write down one thing you love in life to replace the memory.

5. Mediate. Everyday. Close your eyes and merely pay attention on your breathing. Don't mind the thoughts, let them come and go. Eventually you will find calm and peace. 

6. Keep a gratitude journal. Write down simple things in life that make you happy. 

She tells me that meditation and gratitude journal are like light switches, they help to turn on the light - which is the Divine Truth.

I have always been skeptical about these practices, but the intense sincerity that I felt from her is so comforting and reassuring. I think I am on the right path. 

This may be one of the greatest gifts the Universe has ever given to me. Years ago, when I was at my darkest times, I shut myself up and I thought the Universe has abandoned me; but now, I reach out for help, I am heard, and I am healed. 

This was the card I picked. It is Louise Hay's "I Can Do It" self-affirmation deck. Well, after this I am going to check out her books. 

Peace. 

Tarot Reading Part 4 (Reflection)

My Tarot Reader has offered me a complimentary tarot reading, which would be a Zoom conference (oh my heart), and since I really want to thank her in person, I have agreed. But before that, there is a homework that she has assigned, which is to reflect on the steps that I am planning to take based on the advice that has come through from the tarot reading, and how would I like her to support me along the way. 

Episodes I have encountered since March: 

1. Detecting "weird" signals sent by the "potential guy", as if he is hiding something from me, or purposefully avoiding interactions. 

2. Having panic attacks when there is lack of response from the people I want to hear - and becoming straight off demanding by confronting him to tell the truth. 

3. Having sudden bursts of energy and enthusiasm in self-improvement, but only to fall into periods of self-doubt and self-loathing, and sudden lost of interest in everything I used to love.

- I was very into tarot reading and has kept a tarot reading journal since 10th of March, enrolled in Biddy's 5-Day Makeover Challenge ( 27th - 31st March) 

But has stopped reading own cards since 1st of April due to disturbed sleep patterns, constant feelings of drained energy and irritations

- working out to keep fit, started since February, but sudden lost of motivation around 16th of March 

- reading self-help books - on relationship and emotional management, but started to  doubt whether they were useful at all. 

- taking the initiative to reach out and contact old friends

- taking the initiative to go out and date new guys I know from dating apps. 

4. Difficulty to focus on work and task for a sustained period of time - distracted by social media 

5. Disturbed sleep patterns since 24th of March till now. - woke up in the middle of the night ; not more than five hours of sleep per day

6. Phone screen cracked twice - 1st incident on 24th of February; the next on 28th of March  

Steps I have taken since the Tarot Reading:

1. Breaking off ties with past unhealthy relationships and analyse the reasons I should - I made a list of the attitudes and behaviours of the other person- those of indifference and those of "artificial" warmth

- Always seems to be cheerful whenever picking up my phone

- Rarely takes the initiative to contact me - but will do so (out of boredom) 

- Never seems to care about what I was going through, but when being told, would make comments like "Take care" , "you deserve some rest", etc. 

- ignores me if I reaches out to him through other modes of social media (for example we chatted through whatsapp, then he would ignore my messenger or instagram dms)

- Replies but never initiates a new topic of conversation

- when I voice my needs, he starts being defensive but still maintains a seemingly friendly conversation anyway

2. Deleting my Singing app (which I have been very addicted to, because I enjoyed all the attention); deleted all dating apps - knowing that I will only attract unhealthy relationships if I do not learn how to love myself first 

3. Organised my albums and got rid of all photos and gifts they made for me - of my past relationships - while in the process of going through all the stuffs, I realise that I have been deeply loved although the relationships did not end well. This makes me reflect on the current interaction I have with this new guy I have met recently- and I have came to a painful conclusion just yesterday night, that he is emotionally unavailable and will not give me the love I wish for. 

4. Starting to read up more information on crystals - in the hope that they could promote my healing

Improvements I wish to have and hope that you could help to shed some light on: 

1. To find strength and focus to be more effective in work and life - procrastination and easily distracted - sometimes hesitation due to fear of challenges 

2. To be more grounded and trust myself more - which I find this very difficult - although my intuition keeps on yelling at me, I still hesitate a lot. 

3. To find practical ways to forgive my family - I am still not sure how to show my love towards them 

4. To find the real purpose in life and listen to my heart - I know my strengths and weaknesses, but do not know where in the world I would fit in

5. To be patient - I  have the tendency to explode and be very mean when things would not go my way  

Okay, so. I think there would still be a Part 5 since I haven't done the Zoom Meeting with her. 
I would like to write more but... I haven't showered and I have to prepare for the meeting so~ Kthxbye. 

Tarot Reading Part 3 (Feedback)

The moment I received the above readings, I cried my eyes and heart out. It felt so heart-wrenching as I went through the results of my own Tarot reading again and again. It was like I was finally understood after all this while of silent sufferings. Yet, I have never tried to seek help from anybody. You know, being proud and the fear of being look down upon had refrained me from reaching out. Nevertheless, there is no way that I will heal if I keep wallowing within my shadows. All in all, I am glad that at I have tried, in whichever way that was available to me. So ahem... let me just get straight to my views and thoughts on the result I received. As Biddy Tarot has also requested that I fill in a feedback form, so I would just follow the layout of the feedback form and let you guys see here. 

1. To what extent did the reader answer your question? Please share your comments. 

- Completely. 

I have always have this feelings that my parents themselves carry their own childhood wounds and may be they could not let go of their past as well. So when they bring up their own children, they have the tendency to project their parents'  behaviours onto their children. The reader has also chosen the "release and let go" spread which could aptly reflect my current situation and explore the issues raised. As the cards predicted a huge life transition phase, it is true since I am experiencing all kinds of uncomfortable changes, including lifestyle, diet, emotions and the way I handle things.  

The reversed Chariot and four of cups show the struggles I am currently stuck and lack of confidence to move forward. 

2. To what extent did the reading give you the information & insight you need to take action or move forward?Please share your comments. 

- Completely. 

The readings had pointed a few steps I could take as initiatives towards my healing progress. First, by connecting to my ancestor spirit and forgiving the past in order to move on to the future.  Also, I have to learn to pay attention to the help and love the Universe is offering me. Maybe in the past I am too closed off to notice these signs. I have to open up myself and give trust that the Universe is always there with me, and the hardships that I went through must serve a purpose. Just like the Ace of Pentacles, I have been given a whole new start, a brand new opportunity to manifest my goals, which leads to a happy and stable home. The prospect cards are also very encouraging and empowering, as they hinted new beginnings and true love. I have never thought of myself deserving love, but the Universe says otherwise. 

The reading is wrapped up by an additional "Love" card, which was the ultimate hit to my soul. Maybe I have been neglecting my inner child too much that I forgot the truth - "I myself am Love". 

3.Given your experience, how likely is it that you would recommend your assigned Tarot Reader to a friend?

- Would absolutely recommend. 

4. What did you most appreciate or value about the reading?

I appreciate that she took time to read and understand my situation. She has also asked a few follow up questions, in order to get the readings more attuned to my energy. The way she interpreted the readings made me feel like an old friend of hers. I truly appreciate all her efforts. I am constantly encourage with kind words and compassion. This made me feel empowered and were truly valued. If there is a chance, I really want to thank her in person. 

5. If you had one tip for your Tarot Reader to help him/her improve, what would it be?

 I am all but glad. To me, she has provided her best service. 

6. On a scale of 1-5, how many stars would you rate this reading overall?

5 -The reading gave me a lot of insight into my situation, was extremely helpful to me and provided a lot of value!

So... that's it. Although I still have a lot more to say, but my eyes are tired from crying and I could not bring myself to go through my feelings again as I am afraid that I would dehydrate. I am still learning...

#breathe

Till then, peace. 

文字食堂

雨。

一直很喜歡老弟的文字，原因當然不是因為姐姐寵溺。
他總是能夠輕輕地、淡淡地 ，像不經意掠過的微風，卻意味深長地吻了你的臉頰一口。
許久之後回神發現，心口像是狠狠地被撞擊了一下。


可能是羨慕吧。怎麼能如此平淡地述說悲傷；怎麼能如此優雅地闡述遺忘。 這樣的文筆絕對不是我這種憤世嫉俗的暴躁青年筆下的產物。 這麼多年，我除了尖酸刻薄，就是辛辣嗆鼻。

今天看見老弟和他友人聯辦的臉書頁《文字食堂》，老姐我這顆被覆冰石化的心，仿佛因被鋪上了一層薄薄的棉絮而柔軟開來。

我尤其喜歡冰淇淋大叔口中的文字食堂：

“店裡沒有什麽很花裡胡哨的東西，兩個頹廢的文藝青年，兩隻貪吃而不請自來的橘貓，一些花和一些陽光。

妳若喜歡，妳的內心會告訴妳道路，指引妳過來。本店歡迎任何人，無論抽煙酗酒都可以，斷片者將暫時被收納在後廚房，由店主親自照顧。

人生已經很難，於是文字食堂不需要一直的正能量的勵志雞湯，给那些在忙碌的日子中擱淺的人，在瑣碎的日子裡掙扎的人，在紅塵與燈紅酒綠之中，我們也可以很好。”

若你也和我一樣，想在著渾濁喧囂的生活裡尋找一個歇息的小站，歡迎你也來這裡。

順便附上我老弟想當年的得獎作品，還有後浪坊上刊登的作品。 

噓，我沒有在打廣告。

Tarot Reading Part 2

The Readings I received:

Dear Lyndsey,

Many thanks for reaching out and I am happy to do this reading for you. I want to start with commending you for being so brave in sharing about your life so openly. It is certainly a sign that you are ready to own it all up and let it go ! I have stated above everything you shared with me in order to retain your energy completely in the reading. As I begin your reading, I am inspired to draw a card from the “Keepers of the Light” Oracle Deck by Kyle Gray. This is a deck consisting of ascended masters, spiritual deities and higher beings from many world traditions who are here to help all of those who call upon them for help. These beings dedicate themselves to the peace, healing and nurturing of the world. Let us see which of these masters is here to support you on your life journey and what messages he/she has for you.

White Eagle

Ancestor Spirit

Connect to your lineage. A family wound or pattern can be healed now.

Right out of the gate, there is a very powerful message coming through from you. I have attached a copy of the text from the book that comes along with this deck. What this card is saying to me is that healing from past wounds is possible now. Just becoming aware that the behaviour of your parents towards you was a family pattern and wound that may have been running in your family through generations. They did what they did to you, because they did not know any better. Call upon your grandparents or anyone who has transitioned to the other side to help you with this healing. The key to healing is forgiveness. Forgiveness is not about condoning the actions of others, but it is all about not letting them weigh heavily on your present. Remember it is not the snake bite that kills a person, but it is the venom that circulates through the body that results in the death. The past is over and done, let the venom from those experiences not spoil your present and future. When you are able to forgive your parents for what they did to you during your childhood, you will be free from the prison that you are stuck in currently. You will be able to detach yourself from the wounds you have endured.

The spread I have chosen for you is called the “release and let go” spread since your main reason for this reading is to be able to get out of the manipulative behaviour patterns within yourself that you have become aware are the reason for you not being able to have meaningful relationships in your life.

As I look at the cards, Lyndsey I can say one thing for certain, that this is a very positive reading and the Universe is here to support you on this healing journey. You have already made a start by firstly becoming aware of your own self and then by investing time in working towards getting over the unhealthy patterns. Your decision, in your own words “decided not to escape anymore” is being heard by the Tarot and it has some great messages to support you on this journey.

Out of the seven card drawn, three are Major Arcana cards which tells me that this is a big life transition phase for you. Continuing to work on the healing path is going to shift your life in the positive direction.

Card 1: What you are feeling right now : Chariot (Reversed)

You are currently feeling under the influence of your past and not able to move towards living a happy life. However, note that the Chariot is a very powerful card and denotes forward motion and progress. You are internally ready to make changes in your life. This is evident from the fact that you are already aware of your thought and behaviour patterns and have turned to self-help books, Ted talks and the Tarot in order to be able to get guidance and direction. The card appearing in reverse is only an indication that you are not yet at a place where you are able to embrace the changes taking place within you while you interacting with others. You may be lacking confidence to fully embrace the new you which is slowly and gradually emerging. If you notice, there is a person sitting on the Chariot, which is you and the chariot is being pulled by two sphinxes - one is white and the other is black. This denotes the constant struggle that you are going through with respect to the pain of the past and the hope of the future. When you start letting go of your past by forgiving those who hurt you, you will be able to focus better on moving towards a bright future. This card is all about choosing your own route by letting go of clutter, bad habits and even people.

Card 2: Why am I feeling it so strong : Four of Cups (reversed)

Very clearly you are feeling stuck because you are upset about how life has treated you until now and also how you are showing up in the romantic relationships you have had until now. Not having received love as a child, is resulting in you not able to give and receive love in a healthy manner. The memories of your childhood when you were not accepted for who you were, could not express yourself freely and all that you have shared above, is still haunting you. Notice the body language of the person in the card. She is feeling rejected, unhappy and completely closed off. Because of that you are not able to notice that there is a hand of the divine which is offering you love and healing energy. The closed off energy coming through from this card is what is making you feel stuck and not being able to move in a positive direction (also represented by the reversed Chariot).

Card 3: How can I release this feeling : Ace of Pentacles

Aces are all about new beginnings. Becoming open to make a new start and trusting that the Divine is offering you an opportunity to do so, is going to be very important to release the negative feelings. If you notice, in this card the hand of the Divine has become even bigger and is offering you a new start. Once you embrace it, you will be able to walk on a path which will lead you towards new possibilities. The card depicts a pathway and also a doorway which both denote new starts in new direction. Know that the Tarot is saying to you that the path of self-development and self-awareness that you are on, is going to lead you to a bright future. There is a very beautiful story emerging … once you let go of the past, embrace divine help and guidance, you will be able to turn the Chariot upright and move towards the doorway which leads to the next card which denotes celebration.

Card 4: What is the feeling transforming into : Four of wands

Fours are about stability and wands are about passions. Your story is going to unfold into you being able to connect with people from a place of joy and trust. This card also denotes a happy home and it is saying to me is this healing journey is going to transform into hope for the future. You will be able to make strong connections which are likely to result in you being able to create a happy home and stable family life in the future. The healing journey is going to result in your feelings transforming into those of harmony and balance.

Card 5: How can I rise above : High Priestess

The High Priestess is a Major Arcana card is the sister and alter ego of the motherly and very caring Empress. This card is urging you to ask yourself what you really want from your life. Other than wanting a romantic partner and helping your family, make time for yourself and connect with the inner self and your private dreams. Once you embrace the energy of the High Priestess and truly start honouring yourself and your dreams, you will be able to rise above the energies that are pulling you down currently. Note that there is a crescent moon at her feet which denotes that you have access to your intuition. The fact that you have embraced the Tarot tells me that you have already taken this step and becoming open to receiving guidance from your higher self. Your connection with yourself is what is going to help you the most. You do not need another person to lift you up- you can do that for yourself.

CARD 6: What is my new beginning : Page of Pentacles

Your new beginning is embracing the gift of healing that the Divine has offered you in the Ace of pentacles cards. Pages are young people who are at the start of a new journey. You too are very young and have your entire life ahead of you. The card is depicting you holding the pentacle offered by the Divine in your hand. The greenery and the little flower buds ready to bloom as all signs that you are about to embark on a very positive new start.

CARD 7: What have I learned : The Lovers

This is once again a Major Arcana Card. Through this process of self-discovery, you are learning about what you truly value in life, what you need to let go off and that your intuition and the Divine are always there to guide you. This card stands for making choices such that you are aligned with what you value the most in life. Once you are able to do that, you will manifest love and harmony in your life. The imagery in this card is saying to me that once you embrace the powerful being that is within you and start showing up in the world as a confident young woman, you will be able to attract true love into your life. The

angel on this card is Raphael which helps with the healing process. This energy is going to be a total contrast from what you have learnt in your childhood or at present how you are looking for your romantic partners to complete you. The biggest lesson you will be learning is that “you are enough”.

I have drawn an additional card from “The Wild Offering” Oracle Deck by Tosha Silver.

Love

It’s not about finding Love.

You are Love Itself.

Help me, Lord, to send so much compassion and caring to the inner Child that

I always remember, “I myself am Love”

A very powerful healing message has come through to wrap up this reading. You will be able to let go of all the unhealthy patterns and repetitive cycles through the process of forgiveness, self-acceptance, becoming aware of the Divine presence in your life, trusting your own intuition and making wise choices going forward. Let the past not define your present and future. Spiritual practices, mainly prayer, meditation and journaling will help you embrace the healing message that has come through from this reading. You are on the right path and are fully supported.

Lyndsey, I thoroughly enjoyed reading for you and hope that you found it useful too.

I wish you all the very best for the future.

Much Love,

Rikki

If you are fascinated by Tarot yet, stay tuned for Part 3. 

Tarot Reading Part 1

This is going to be huge. 

I never want to speak about my past...As the saying goes, never wash your dirty laundry in the public... but I guess I wouldn't care no more. 

This is my account of reaching out for help through a Tarot reading request to Biddy Tarot. They don't always provide free readings, you shall try your luck. The reading is conducted through email. 

So. 

Continue reading and you will understand why this is huge.  And please bear with my grammar. 

The question I asked: 

I want to know how am I able to get myself of unhealthy manipulative habits, especially when I am in a relationship. I find myself constantly stalking the other person (not even my partner yet) online, and start to gather this expectation in me that he should notice and tend to me whenever he sees me going online. And if he does not reply my messages instantly, I find myself starting to get angry and later, darker thoughts would accumulate. I would start doubting and thinking that he might have other girls to chat with or is doing something else behind my back. Then when I could not contain all these negative thoughts, I lost my temper and ended up hurting his feelings and our relationship. I know what I am doing is wrong but I feel like I keep getting stuck in the cycle. What should I do and how could I get myself out of this viscous cycle?

The Tarot Reader, Rikki (not real name) : 

Hi Lyndsey,  Many thanks for reaching out and sharing so openly about what you are going through presently. It will be very helpful if you can share some more information with me so as to get the most valuable guidance from the Tarot. Here are a few questions you could answer and also let me know whatever else you think is important for me to know so that I can offer you the most helpful guidance.

1.  Are there any experiences from your childhood that are important for me (and also you)  to know to understand the reasons of your current thought and behaviour patterns ?

2. Have you had any past relationships and what has been your experience with them ?

3. How would you rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the highest) in terms of how much you love and honour yourself ?

4. Have you taken any steps in the past to overcome these thought and behaviour patterns/repetitive cycles ?

My replies: 

Thanks for your prompt reply!

Since I have decided not to escape anymore, I will be frank. Please bear with my length story.

1. Are there any experiences from your childhood that are important for me (and also you)  to know to understand the reasons of your current thought and behaviour patterns ?

I was born into a strict Asian family. Both my parents have high expectations on me. They never seemed to be satisfied with my achievements. My Dad, though loving and liked to play with me when I was am infant, started growing distant when I grew up. My Mum is the one I am closer with. My Mum was very strict and demanded obedience and perfection from me. Unfortunately, although I was born bright, apparently I was still not good enough for her. I was also quite a naughty, cheeky, loud and chatty girl. When I did something wrong, my Mum would hit me with a cane and shut me in the toilet. She would also ask me to stop crying and I was not supposed to cry. Worse still, if my Dad caught my wrongdoings, he would hit and spank me with whatever he could reach. I always ended up locking myself in the toilet until my crying subsided and I came out to ask for forgiveness. This situation continues till I went into middle school. My brother was born when I was six. After he grew up, whenever we had a fight, my mum would ask me to let my brother to have his own way as he was younger, and that I should act more matured. I also remembered working hard to get compliments, but all my parents could see were the mistakes I had done. Occasionally I was rewarded with extra pocket money or gifts, but I think deep down, I want their love more than anything else.

In school, I was being bullied by my classmates together with my class teacher. My class teacher disliked me because I was too blunt and too daring to correct the mistakes she did during lessons. But till now, I do not know the reasons why my classmates would not mix with me. I asked some of my classmates who were in the same middle school with me after we graduated from primary school. They told me that they were just following what others were doing.

Hence during my teenage years, I was quite a rebel, the spiteful and blunt one. I would not give a damn to teachers who I deemed not worth my respect. I did not even bother to make friends, but friends came to me naturally, and I was lucky to have a few close ones to confide in. Yet, I rarely talked about my family issues with my friends. They see me as strong, though and daring, as I always challenge my teachers. However, I was clever to not to infuriate my teachers that they told my parents. My parents knew nothing about my naughty acts in school. I kept on bringing back good academic results to show them that is. However, they would not let me to hang out with my friends. They demanded that I put my full attention on my academics. It was only until I was 17, I had my first experience to the cinema. When I was 16, it was the darkest period of my life as I kept on having suicidal thoughts. My brother found my diary, with the page that I wrote that I secretly admired someone, and showed it to my parents. I got grounded and my phone was confiscated after that. No matter how I pleaded or explained, they turned a cold shoulder to me and they wouldn’t listen or reason with me. I thought of running away from home but I had nowhere to go, and was too proud to ask others for help. Hence I thought of dying. But I was too afraid of being in pain, and too proud to let the world know that I was suffering. So everyday I acted as if there was nothing wrong with me, but every night I struggled with my own dark thoughts and nightmares.

Things turned for the better when I went to high school. My classmates were very friendly and I found myself shedding down my indifferent mask and turned into the more chatty type. And when I went into university, I stayed quite a distance from home and finally got my own freedom to hang out with my friends. I started to enjoy making friends with people, and started putting own makeup and buying new clothes to pamper myself. Before that, I was very frugal due to my family teachings.

And now that I start working, as the eldest in my family, I carry the burden to support my family finance as my mum could not work due to she has to take care of my second autistic brother who was born in 2003. Sometimes, in my darker self, I think that my parents see my as a tool, rather than a person, because as long as I wire money to them, then I am a good daughter.

I believe that it is my thirst for love that leads me to all these negative behaviours.

2. Have you had any past relationships and what has been your experience with them?

 My past relationships have been short-lived. I had never been into any relationships till I reached my Uni years. It always end up with me being overly possessive and wants to control my partner’s whereabouts. I am also the needy one who needs constant attention and affection from my partner. I demand instant reply and absolute honesty. My first boyfriend broke up with me, saying that he could not love me that much. On the other hand, he said that he could not forget his ex-girlfriend. I felt betrayed and hurt. Our relationship only lasted three weeks.

The second boyfriend I had, was a Taiwanese and I am a Malaysian. I never get to see him in real person. He did love me during the first three months, but after that I started become demanding and he started avoiding me. When I requested to see him in person, he started avoiding me even more, saying that he was busy with his job. That was the time I started stalking all his social media to look for his signs of betrayal. I caught him opening up a new account to log into the singing app that we both played. He did explain to me and I forgave him. After quite some time, he started making up stories that his mother was ill and he would not be contacting me for some time. And one day he popped up a message saying that we should both break up. I confronted him so many times for a reason but he gave me none. For a few months, I was frustrated and filled with hatred. I could not even fly to Taiwan and see him as he never did give me his address.

After breaking up with him, I have never been into any serious relationship till now. The guys whom I met, I felt that I did not truly like them. I just want the admiration and the affection they offered. And when I demand for more, they left on their own.

Till recently I met this guy whom I absolutely do not want to lose. Yet I am in a complete loss of how to act. I am so used to forcing my love on others that I do not know how to love others the way they want. Therefore I seek help. I think it’s about time I stop.

3. How would you rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the highest) in terms of how much you love and honour yourself ?

I still tend to blame and hate myself a lot, especially when things and relationships aren’t going in the way that I want. I would only rate a 3 out of 10.

I find myself binge eating and buying things impulsively. I also tend to shut my inner voice and be a people pleaser in my workplace.I also find myself clinging onto unhealthy relationships that would not bring benefit to me, just to avoid the emptiness in me.

4. Have you taken any steps in the past to overcome these thought and behaviour patterns/repetitive cycles ?

After breaking up with my first boyfriend, I did make some attempts to treat myself better, to read some self-help and psychological books. I also tried to trust others more and confided in my close friends. I have this tight-knit group of friends and they helped me to go through the first breakup.

However, during the second break-up, I was alone. It was impossible for me to confide in my parents. By that time we have graduated from university and separated all over the country. So rather than healing , or find someone to listen me out, I turned to other guys who were available to avoid facing the reality

It is only this year that I gather my courage to clear and cut off ties with those unhealthy relationships. I listen to TED talks, buy myself a couple of self-help books and try to reason the harmful ways I have been treating myself. And then I bumped into videos on tarot reading on Youtube. The readings caught me in tears as it had pointed out all my past traumas. Then I bought myself a tarot deck and attempt to seek ways to heal myself. I am not very sure where I am heading to, but I want to be better. I signed up for the Biddy 5 Day Tarot Reading Make Over Challenge, and this was when I bumped into a post that offers free Tarot reading.

And this is how I met you 🙂

Thanks for your patience to read till the end.

Love, 

Lyndsey

Reply: 

Wow Lyndsey, a big warm virtual hug to you. You are so brave to be so vulnerable to a complete stranger. And it is a sign from the Universe that you are ready for a healing a journey. I shall do a reading for you that will certainly help you to take concrete steps to begin loving yourself first and start living a happy joyful life  (not depending on others to give you love and make you happy)

I am a strong believer that the Universe is speaking to us always …the point is are we listening ?

All our good and bad experiences are there for a purpose and I can very clearly see that you are ready to receive what the Universe has to say to you.

Hang in there ! Your reading will be with you in the next few days !

Much love,
Rikki 

So you will be asked to wait about 3 to 5 days for the readings.

I think this post is already heavy enough, so I will include the readings in Part 2.

Till then/ 

Realisation

I think I start to understand the reasons that my relationships are short-lived.

It’s been more than a week...my sleeping patterns are getting more random and weirder. Now here am I, wide awake, together with all my hollowness. Most of the time I woke up staring at the ceiling until   I fell asleep again. The longest stretch of sleep did not exceed five hours... My body must have the reason to jerk me awake, but I definitely do not know why this is happening to me.

So with that emotional outburst and the constant need of attention, I think I successfully made myself lose my glamour. Maybe, maybe it is best to keep away from me. I always end up forcing too much of me on the other person. Of course they leave. I think this time, it would just be the same.

God, please don’t let me be like this anymore. You showed me my flaws and my misdoings, but you showed it in such a harsh way that someone had to leave. Why must it always like that? Is there anything I could even do to stop myself?

For the fear of losing my soul and the ones I truly cherished, maybe I should consider going into hiding once again. As I do not know when my inner demons will lash out and hurt people, maybe, and even maybe, before they are tamed, I should not reach out.

And may one day when all these self-loathing and guilt-trapping drama end, then I shall be forgiven. Before that happens, I shall be stuck in this never ending loop of hurting myself and the ones I love.

All these struggles.

#The Fear of Abandonment 

I see myself in Little Women

Hey, brave yourself for my first post in 2020. 

Initially I wanted to watch "Parasite", but with a sudden butt into my friends' 'date', the three of us end up watching "Little Women". 

The movie is absolutely BEAUTIFUL. I have never encountered a movie so beautiful that I can't stop but sigh.  I have to admit that as the first half of the story is quite boring... you know, just some daily stuff that girls those days go through, but as the story unfolds, I find myself drenched in tears. Being not exactly a lady (coz I don't carry tissues with me), my friend has to provide me with the needed tear-absorbing-piece of paper. 

I admit that I am a sentimental cry-baby. Yet, the dam-breaking point is when the main character, Jo, said she wanted to be loved because she was tired of being lonely. That's when I sobbed until I shuddered in the attempt to hold back my "wail" (well maybe, it's a silent 'wail'). I think it is time to be true to myself. I keep on  putting myself into unhealthy relationships cause I don't wanna be lonely anymore. I have a too-much-thought-producing mind which has the tendency to go uncontrol when I am alone. And that fears me a lot. I know what exactly fear can do to people, and I dread what it can do to me. 

The act of constantly seeking for connection online is one thing. I couldn't help but stalk. And after my emotional sudden outburst, I couldn't help but hate myself. The need to be needed is far too much for me to handle. At the same time, I feel like I am trying to run away from my household responsibilities. I think it's the guilt that I feel that manifests into the nightmares that I have every night. 

I know I can give you my sweetest smiles but remain bitter on the inside. That is the reason that I am never with peace with my own self. 

After all these years of hating others, I realise that it is self-hatred. And I don't know if I have the courage to love myself, without yearning for others to love me. 

Will my story end with the women getting married at the end? I doubt.